


That Wasn't Supposed to Fucking Happen!

by anyrei, mugglerock



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Almost Caught, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, And We Are Not Okay, Angst, Astroglide Makes an Appearance, Barebacking, Bathroom Sex, Because That Would Be Canon, Bottom Dean, British Men of Letters, Canon Compliant, Castiel In Love, Castiel Is So Done, Castiel Misses Heaven, Castiel in the Bunker, Castiel is a Good Friend, Castiel is a Tease, Crowley Saves the Motherfucking Day, Cuz It Makes Sense, Cuz That Fucker is Loud, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dean Cries But That's Canon, Dean Has Terrible Hygiene, Dean Has to be Gagged, Dean Made Cas a Mixtape, Dean Sucks, Dean Swears, Dean Winchester is Protective of Castiel, Dean Winchester is Protective of Sam Winchester, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Dean is a dick, Dean is so Subby, Dean's References are Pure Gold, Domestic Fluff, Episode Fix-it, Episode: s12e09 First Blood, Episode: s12e10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets, Episode: s12e11 Regarding Dean, Episode: s12e12 Stuck In The Middle (With You), Episode: s12e13 Family Feud, Episode: s12e14 The Raid, Episode: s12e15 Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell, Episode: s12e16 Ladies Drink Free, Episode: s12e17 The British Invasion, Episode: s12e18 The Memory Remains, Episode: s12e19 The Future, Episode: s12e20 Twigs and Twine and Tasha Banes, Episode: s12e21 There's Something About Mary, Episode: s12e22 Who We Are, Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, Even if No One Else Gets Them, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Filler Chapters, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Fucking SPN Writers Actually Following Through For Once, Gen, Hand Jobs, Holy Rusted Angst Batman!, Humor, I'm Sorry Castiel, If Supernatural was on HBO, In Memoriam of Eileen Leahy, In Memoriam of Mick Davies, Just Because Dean's a Bottom Doesn't Mean He's a Sub, Like a Fucking Sailor, Loud Sex, Love Confessions, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Miscommunication is the Real Villain Here, Mixtape, Multi-chapter/Episode Fix-it, Ongoing Fix-It, Post-Episode: s12e12 Stuck In The Middle (With You), Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, Pour One Out for Crowley, Pour One Out for Eileen, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Reconciliation, Reconciliation Sex, Romance, Sam Is So Done, Sam and Mick are Besties, Sam is a Sweetheart, Sam is the Voice of Reason, Sassy Castiel, Season 12 Spoilers Like Whoa!, Season Fix-It, Season/Series 12, Secret Relationship, Semi-Public Sex, Sexual Prep, Suicidal Castiel, This is What We Don't See on the Show, Top Castiel, Wall Sex, We Loved Mick, We Ship SamLeen, We're Fixing the SPN Writers' Fuckups, Where's the angel?, Which Was Fucking Canon, and not in the good way, dean introspection, sorry readers, sort of infidelity, tags will change, that shit is canon, what we have here is a failure to communicate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-09-20 22:01:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 66,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9517949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock
Summary: What if it all wasn’t just subtext? Individual, subjective interpretation? What if we’re only seeing a fraction of what’s going on with the Winchesters? What would happen if we saw what was actually happening off-camera?Destiel might not technically “exist”, but that’s because the cameras haven’t captured it. Now that the fourth wall has been broken, subtext may become explicit text. Explicit being the operative word here.Season 12 Ongoing Fix It from 12x09 through 12x23.





	1. First Blood

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's back, bitches?!
> 
> So, here’s the deal. What started off as a plan to just write a quick, simple fix-it to 12x09, morphed into this insane, plot heavy device, in which we canonically develop the relationship between Dean and Castiel in the background/behind the scenes of each episode. So, every week prior to the new episode airing, we will be uploading the chapter for the previous week’s episode. Starting with First Blood! Update days will vary, but you will definitely get a new chapter the day before (at the latest) the new episode airs!
> 
> So, at this point? Who fucking knows what will happen. And as usual, the damn characters took over the story. So, barring the writers actually making Destiel canon and fucking up all of our hard work, this fic will be completely canon compliant.
> 
> And in case the title doesn’t give it away, this story has swearing. Pretend this is how Supernatural would be on Netflix or HBO.
> 
>  **Edited to add** : We now have a joint tumblr for our writing. If you find yourselves amused by our antics or simply are just bored, follow us [here](https://the-real-anyrock.tumblr.com/)!

****

 

**Chapter 1: First Blood**

 

Dean had been quiet the majority of the ride back to the bunker. He occasionally glanced over to Cas, seeing that his friend had his head leaning against the window. Cas didn’t acknowledge him, he seemed like he was somewhere else entirely.

 

The words were there, on the tip on his tongue; a quiet mantra on repeat in his head: _Tell him, you need to tell him..._

 

The longer the silence lingered between them, the harder it was becoming to keep his trap shut, but then Mary would cast a look back at him, a sad smile, and all of the wind would get knocked out of his lungs.

 

How had they found themselves here? It had been okay, Dean had made peace with his fate. After almost two months of solitary confinement, coming to terms with his own death had been relatively easy. The deal with Billie was easy. A no brainer. At least if they got out, Sam could keep saving the world. One Winchester was better than no Winchesters.

 

And then everything happened so fast. Their mother, in true Winchester fashion, offered to take their place. Watching, in horror, at having to see his mother die… again. Heart in his throat, terrified to look, but unable to take his eyes off of her. Then the hold Billie had on him ceased as an angel blade was plunged through her chest.

 

Dean’s world started crashing down as he stared at Cas over the body of the reaper he and Sam made a blood pact with. He’d been prepared to say goodbye to everyone, made his peace with his own mortality. But Dean was not prepared to say goodbye to Cas, not even a little bit prepared for that, not on the kind of terms that didn’t require Dean’s own sacrifice anyway. But in that moment, the reality of what was now looming over their heads struck.

 

Castiel had sealed his fate, and once again, sacrificed himself for the Winchesters.

 

He looked over at Cas again, eyes still fixed on the blackened scenery sweeping by them at sixty-five miles per hour. Finally, Dean couldn’t contain it any longer, he let out a shaky exhale as he softly said, “You stupid, son of a bitch.”

 

Cas frowned and slowly turned his head to look at Dean, “What?”

 

“You and I both know you heard what I said,” he spat.

 

Cas rolled his eyes, sounding annoyed but defeated at the same time, “Do we have to do this now?”

 

“When, Cas?” Dean angled himself to face him more fully, “When should we do this? You just ganked a reaper, one who had a blood pact with us, you think that’s gonna go over well, huh? How long do you think we have before they come for you?”

 

Cas just shrugged, “You don't know that. It wasn't me that made the pact. I just killed her. And if another reaper dares to take you, I’ll kill it, too.”

 

“Oh, I see, you’ll just kill every reaper that comes after one of us until, what? They’re all gone? The hell is your brain at, Castiel?” Dean’s hands trembled as he practically yelled, causing Mary and Sam to turn back to them, jumping to Cas’s defense.

 

“Dean, you need to chill,” Sam said in an annoyingly calm tone.

 

Cas glared at Dean, “Do you even know how many people died from vampires and other creatures since you’ve been gone? Innocent people that could have been saved if you had been here. People that I couldn't save. The world needs the Winchesters. I'm not apologizing for saving you because it was the right thing to do.”

 

Dean chuckled mirthlessly, “The world needs the Winchesters? You get that includes you, right? You’re part of this family whether you like it or not, you’re no more disposable than the rest of us!”

 

Cas’s face looked like a mask for a moment before he turned away. His tense jaw and thin lips belied how he really felt, “That’s not true. My end won't have any effect on the world. Yours would. You're the heroes in this story. I should have been gone a long time ago.”

 

His breath was ragged as he exhaled, chest shaking with anger. “Mom, pull over.”

 

“Dean, what? Why?”

 

Dean started rolling up the sleeves of his jumpsuit, “So I can beat the shit out of Cas…”

 

Sam and Mary started contesting his request, loudly, speaking over each other, creating a din of noise and negativity that was causing Dean to feel more and more on edge.

 

“It's okay. I want him to. Pull over,” Cas stated calmly, but determined.

 

“Castiel…” Mary’s tone was hesitant, concerned, totally motherly.

 

“It's okay. Just do it.”

 

As they pulled over to the side of the road, Dean and Cas exited the car without any fanfare. Sam and Mary remained in the car, his brother leaning out, calling out pleas for them to get back in, to grow the hell up, to just go home.

 

Dean tilted his head with a quirked brow as he approached Cas, the angel kept his eyes downcast, staying infuriatingly calm. When the first punch made contact with Cas’s abdomen, the angel made a choked noise as he let himself feel the punch, let himself get pushed back.

 

An uppercut to Cas’s chin caused a satisfying ache in Dean’s knuckles as he heard the crack. Cas clasped his jaw in pain, but made no move to respond, to protect himself. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re just gonna let a _human_ beat the shit out of you?” Dean shoved him back, “Huh?”

 

Cas spit out some blood before he looked up with an empty expression, “Yes. I’ve hurt you enough in my life. I'm done.”

 

“You’re done? You’re fucking _done?”_ Dean cried as he shoved into Cas again. The more the angel allowed Dean to pummel into him, the more irate Dean became. This time his fist collided with Cas’s sternum, causing the angel to emit a sharp gasp of pain. Dean kept coming, “Your death would have no effect?”

 

Dean stepped in and shoved Cas to the ground. Straddling his legs, Dean started slamming his fists into Cas’s abdomen, chest, face, wherever he could reach, “What about me, huh? What about the effect your death would have on _me?”_

 

The tears started then as his punches grew weaker and weaker. His lip trembled as he drew back. “How fucking dare you,” Dean spat.

 

Cas inhaled a shuddered breath, his voice was quiet as tears began to fall from his eyes “You'll get over it.”

 

Dean had never seen Cas cry before. His own tears and anger heating his face, Dean let out a mirthless laugh. He leaned forward and hissed, “No, Cas. I won’t.” Standing up, Dean brushed the dirt off of his jumpsuit and stepped away from Cas. “There’s no normal after that…” he echoed Michelle’s words at the angel before walking back to the car.

 

“Why?” Cas whispered, moving to sit up but still somewhat hunched over on the ground.

 

Dean stopped and turned back to face him, “Why what?”

 

Cas didn’t look up, unmoving, still knelt in the dirt where Dean had left him, “Why would you think you wouldn’t get over my death? You’ve learned to live with so many losses. Why should I be any different?”

 

“Because it’s not the same with you!” Dean’s voice echoed in the quiet of a barren night sky, mocking him, mocking his situation.

 

Cas slowly stood up and walked over to Dean, before he forcefully grabbed his jumpsuit sleeves and pulled him closer, “Why?”

 

Trapped in a steely, blue-eyed gaze, Dean felt a myriad of emotions wash over him; hurt, anger, fear, love. He shook Cas off and stepped away from him, “Doesn’t fuckin’ matter anymore.”

 

“It matters to me!” Cas yelled. “Because if your reason is the same as mine, then you should understand why I did this. How do you think I would feel if you killed yourself in front of me, you fucking asshole?”

 

Dean scoffed, “If not abandoning your fucking family isn’t a good enough reason for you, then why would anything else be?” He shook his head, lip turned up in disgust as he turned his back to Cas and attempted to walk back to the car.

 

Cas held him back forcefully, “I did not leave you.”

 

“You did! You always do! And now, for the ultimate ‘fuck you’, you’re leaving me for good with that mistake!” He was going to yell himself hoarse at this rate, his vocal chords strained from all of the bullshit they’ve had to deal with over the past few hours. Weeks. Years.

 

“I didn’t make the stupid deal with Billie. You did. Did you think I was just going to stand by and watch your mother kill herself? I know that would have destroyed you. Don’t you dare tell me otherwise!”

 

Dean leaned in close, shaking with the fury that was threatening to black out his vision, “I am sick and fucking tired of having to choose between the people I care about. I’m tired, Cas. I’m too damn tired for this.” He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the way his vision was starting to blur from the tears brimming. Dean sighed, shoulders slumping in true defeat, “Doesn’t fucking matter anymore…”

 

Dean was suddenly pulled forward by Cas and enveloped in his arms. Cas pressed his head  against Dean’s shoulder, “It does matter. It has to. Otherwise this has all been for nothing.”

 

Gripping onto the fabric of the oversized trenchcoat, Dean pressed his face into the crook of his friend’s neck, trying to keep his breathing normal. Everything was starting to overwhelm him, he murmured against Cas’s throat, “This is why I couldn’t tell you…”

 

Cas squeezed him tighter, his voice was just above a whisper, “I promise you I will fight, but please give me a reason to. I… I need you.”

 

He was barely keeping it together, those words being echoed back at him, Dean was crumbling more and more by the minute. But he had already made up his mind, he’d already made the decision when he made peace with his own imminent death. Dean didn’t see the point of confessions and declarations when there was an expiration date on his life. Why should this be any different just because the expiration date now belonged to Cas?

 

Dean let out a sigh and drew back. Cupping the side of Cas’s face with his left hand, he shook his head sadly, using what strength he had to give his friend a sad smile. “I can’t. I can’t give you a reason, Cas. I’m sorry.” Dropping his hand, he turned away from the angel again.

This time Cas didn’t hold him back.

 

When Dean reached the back seat, he lingered in front of the door, staring at the back of Cas, who still hadn’t moved from their spot. Sucking his lip into his mouth for a moment, he shook his head in aggravation and barked, “Get your ass in the car so we can go home.”

 

Cas hesitated for a moment before he slowly got back into the car. He didn’t look at Dean. He also hadn’t healed the gash on his eyebrow and lip.

 

Suppressing the urge to close his eyes, Dean exhaled slowly and slammed the door shut after he sat down.

 

Sam turned to face them, “You guys good now?”

 

Dean nodded mutely, unable to make eye contact with his brother.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas laid on his bed in the bunker and stared at the ceiling. He wished he didn’t need to come back here. Not after what Dean had said to him. But he wasn't sure if another reaper like Billie would have taken her place, or possibly planned revenge. It wasn’t typical for reapers to behave like that, but there wasn't anything typical about their situation. They had thrown the book out of the window a few years ago when they prevented the apocalypse. The old rules didn't exist anymore. Everything had been chaos since then.

 

And he was still here, right in the middle of it. He wondered at what point he should have stopped? At what point he should have gone back to Heaven to stay there? Maybe when this was over… when he had found a way to make sure that no harm would come to the Winchesters because of that stupid deal Dean and Sam had made.

 

Cas winced and sat up. He didn’t want to think about Dean. He didn’t want to feel anything anymore. He was slowly dying on the inside and he had no one to blame but himself for staying too long on Earth.

 

He scoffed when he remembered all of his brethren’s warnings; _Emotions are a dangerous distraction. Don't stay too long on Earth or you’ll get compromised._

 

He wondered if there was a possibility to go back to his old life. Where he hadn't felt fear, doubt, loss… heartbreak.

 

For the past few years he had tried to be more human, he had opened himself up so he could learn how it felt… He had been naive. He wanted to experience the good things; love, dreams, and hope, but all he got was pain. Pain that was so profound that he didn’t know how to deal with it. He just wanted it to stop.

 

But maybe that was the answer. If he closed himself up against emotions, maybe he could just concentrate on his mission and learn to be indifferent to the rest again.

 

Cas healed his body before he knelt on the bed and tried to analyze his situation. His grace had shielded him before. He was sure he could shield himself again against his unwanted feelings for Dean. Now that his last hope had been destroyed, there was nothing left for him. There was no need to feel anything anymore. He was broken and he needed to be fixed. He had a few options in mind to get rid of his feelings, but before he took any drastic measures, he tried to let his grace control his heart. A few hours of deep meditation should do the trick.

 

He slid from the bed and slipped out of his trench coat, throwing it over the chair. The bunker was quiet. Cas vaguely looked in the direction of Dean’s room. He felt the need to say the words out loud before he did it, because he wouldn't feel them anymore when he successfully fixed himself.

 

“I love you, Dean.”

 

The words sounded louder in the silence of his room and made him flinch. He exhaled deeply before he sat down on the edge of the bed and let himself sink into a deep meditation.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

The confinement of his bedroom became too much after about an hour. Despite the fact that it was somewhat furnished. Despite the fact that it was twice the size of the cell. Despite the fact that it didn’t lock from the outside. It was too much, too soon after escaping that prison – or whatever the hell that underground, “nonexistent” facility was. Dean picked up his cell phone to check the time. A little past four in the morning. He grabbed his robe and made his way out to the kitchen, but was distracted by the sound of papers rustling.

 

Dean stepped into the library and saw Cas, sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded by scrolls and books, forehead crinkled in concentration as he read over the papers in his hand. He didn’t even appear to hear Dean come in.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Cas didn't look up, just closed one of the books in front of him and opened another, “Research.”

 

He rolled his eyes, not that Cas could see, and sighed, “On?”

 

“Multiple things,” Cas looked up with a frown, “Is there something you need my assistance with?” His voice sounded strange, like it was lacking emotion.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” It was too damn early– or late maybe... to be dealing with Cas’s cryptic bullshit.

 

Cas tilted his head slightly, his frown deepened, “Nothing is wrong with me. But if you don't need me for anything, I would prefer it if you left me alone.”

 

Dean let out a sigh, disregarding his friend’s request as he approached him. Their fight earlier had shifted their relationship and he didn’t feel right leaving it like that, but Dean was still angry. Still terrified of what the aftermath of Cas’s actions would bring. He moved to sit down on the floor in front of Cas, “Can I help you?”

 

Instead of answering directly, Cas handed him two very thick and heavy books, “See if you can find sigils in these that are tied to reapers, cross reference them with the other book. The other book seems to be the only work in this library with Enochian spells that work.”

 

Dean nodded and started flipping through the pages, searching through sigil after sigil for something about reapers. There was something about death, but he wasn’t sure if that would work, so Dean flipped open the other book to confirm it. One of the pages was dog-eared, so he automatically opened that page first. He hadn’t planned on _really_ looking at the page, until something stood out to him. Dean didn’t fully understand Enochian, but it appeared to be some kind of spell to…

 

He leaned forward with the book open on that page, “Cas, what’s this spell for?”

 

Cas looked up at the page for a moment before he went straight back to his own book, “It's a spell to suppress emotions. It’s for angels who are stationed on Earth for too long.”

 

Everything was now starting to make sense, Dean narrowed his eyes at the angel, “Is that what’s wrong with you? You’re an emotionless robot again, aren’t you?” It wasn’t really a question, he knew the answer the moment Cas first answered him.

 

“I was never a robot. I'm just ‘me’ again,” Cas stated calmly, turning a page in his book, not even looking up.

 

Dean stared at him for a moment, a little dumbfounded by coming face to face with an angel he hadn’t seen in a very long time. The angel who only served Heaven. Who followed orders and didn’t question anything. Dean hated it. “Why?”

 

“I'm afraid you have to be more specific, Dean.” Cas turned another page in his book.

 

“Why did you shut off your emotions?” No point in beating around the bush. Maybe robot Cas would be a little more forthcoming, at the very least.

 

“They were dangerous, distracting, and they got in the way of fulfilling my mission.” Cas blinked and looked up, “Since the other emotion wasn’t reciprocated, I thought it was best to get rid of all of them.”

 

That hurt Dean’s head, he pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance and took a deep breath, “You turned your emotions off because they were distracting? So, you’re back to the dick who thought it was an okay idea to wipe out an entire town?”

 

“I got rid of my emotions, not my memory...” Cas explained calmly before he looked down at his book again. “I can work much more efficiently now. The emotions were dangerous, leading to thoughts of ending my own existence. I was broken and I fixed my problem instead.”

 

Cas was thinking of killing himself? He knew emotions were kind of a mindfuck, but to end his life? “What the fuck were you feeling?”

 

Cas looked thoughtful for a moment, “Depression, self-loathing, guilt... heartbreak.” It sounded like he was reading from a grocery shopping list. “This might seem hard to understand for a human, but I think I saved my life with this decision.”

 

Dean regarded him for a moment, trying to make sense of everything he’d just heard. He scoffed a little, “No, humans get that, Cas. I can promise you that much. We just don’t have the option to turn it off…” Honestly, if that was an option for Dean, he’d jump on it in a heartbeat.

 

“On the other hand humans are far better equipped to handle emotions like love and heartbreak. Angels aren't. We’re not meant to love someone like humans do.” He looked back down at his book again and continued reading.

 

A lump formed in his throat, a lump that tasted like bitterness, like jealousy. An emotion Dean had absolutely no time for in that moment. He tried to focus on something – anything else. “What the hell did we miss the last two months? You met someone?” Dean was pretty impressed with how little anger was in his tone. It wasn’t as though Cas belonged to Dean, it wasn’t as though that was even a slight possibility; so where did he get off feeling like a scorned lover?

 

Cas tilted his head again when he looked up, “I met plenty of people when I unsuccessfully tried to solve a case. Why?”

 

Dean rounded on him, “So, you’re tellin’ me, while Sam and me were holed up in that fuckin’ place, you were just tryin’ to get your dick wet?” He felt so fucking angry. Dean had agonized for days, weeks even, about whether he should come clean about how he felt… what he felt for his best friend, to find the guy hadn’t even _tried_ to locate them?

 

“If you’re a referring to me looking for a sexual encounter at that time, then you couldn’t be more wrong. My only wish had been to find you and do your work while you were gone, as I suspect you would have wanted us to do.”

 

Dean waved his hand in dismissal, “Then what’s all this heartbreak shit? You didn’t fall in love with some chick you met while we were holed up?”

 

“No,” Cas frowned before he looked down and grabbed another book, “I was in love with you.”

 

And just like that, the wind was knocked out of Dean. He stared at the angel for, what felt like, hours, but was likely just minutes. Watching in awe as Cas flipped through the pages of a book, as though he didn’t just say he was in love with Dean. “What?” was all he managed to croak out.

 

Cas looked up and squinted his eyes at him, “Is that a rhetorical question?”

 

Suddenly, Dean was back in the tiny cell, trying to not hyperventilate from feeling closed in, trapped. “You’re in love with me?” Dean felt tiny, insignificant, unsure. What the hell was he supposed to do with that information? What the hell was he supposed to do?

 

Cas sighed and put his book down, “No, not anymore. I used a spell to suppress those emotions. They don’t matter anymore.”

 

“Like hell they don’t!” Dean exclaimed before he could stop himself. He knew better than to open this can of worms– hell, he’d made the decision to keep his own emotions to himself when he thought he was going to die. But suddenly the tables were turned and Dean felt even more lost than he had before. Not that that mattered anymore.

 

Cas’s frown deepened, “I don’t understand. You said it didn’t matter, you said you couldn’t. I got the impression you didn't want me. Was I wrong about that assessment?”

 

Dean sighed, he hated how clinical Cas now sounded. How removed and unemotional he was. Closing the book on his lap, Dean moved to stand up. He handed the book to Cas, “Like you said, it doesn’t matter anymore.” He turned from the angel and left the library, fighting back the tears that were threatening to drown him in his own loss, his sorrow.

 

**…. :::: :::: ....**

 

Cas had worked through the night, finding a few promising sigils that were associated with protection against reapers. He would upgrade the bunker’s wardings and teach some basic protection to Sam before he planned to head out to find a reaper. He needed some answers and a direct confrontation was better than waiting with too many unknown factors.

 

He used his grace to burn repelling, warding, and detection sigils into the wooden floor of the library, carefully integrating them into the intricate web of sigils that were already built in.

 

“Morning, Cas. What’re you doing?” Sam greeted him with a curious look.

 

“I'm updating your warning system and warding for reapers. I also may have found a way for you to be undetected by them,” Cas explained as he slowly stood up and regarded his work. It looked perfect. But since he had no way of testing it, there was still a chance it could fail.

 

Sam chuckled, “Thanks, man. Always trying to stay a step ahead, huh?” He moved to sit in one of the chairs and pulled open his laptop.

 

“Yes. I'm very sure the sigils will keep you safe, but I would like to test that theory. I want to catch a reaper and interrogate it. I’ll leave after I show you how to make a hex bag to repel them.”

 

“Leave?” Sam asked, his brow furrowed in confusion, focus no longer on his computer screen.

 

Cas tilted his head, “Yes. I don't want to endanger this location by bringing one here. I’ll test my wardings somewhere else.”

 

Sam sighed and fidgeted with his coffee mug before finally asking, “What happened between you and Dean?”

 

Cas sighed deeply. Why did humans have to be so vague all the time? “You have to be more specific. Are you asking about a particular timeframe?”

 

“You let Dean beat the hell out of you last night. And now you’re warding the place against reapers before you ditch us. I’m asking what happened to bring you to this point?”

 

“If you’re implying my leaving is based on an emotional decision, then let me assure you, it’s not. Dean and I talked a few hours ago and I think he got the answer he was seeking. But me leaving you for a short period of time doesn't have anything to do with it. The truth is, we don't know much about what consequences my actions will have. So I need to go to the source and find answers. I’ll come back when I have them. Since you never showed any disapproval of my leaving before, I'm not sure why this is suddenly a problem.”

 

Sam shrugged, “I can’t stop you, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

 

“Why would you want to stop me? It's in your best interest if I find a reaper to get answers.”

 

The younger man let out a groan, “Cas, man. I’m not _trying_ to stop you. I just want to make sure: You. Are. Okay.” Sam emphasized the last three words.

 

Cas tilted his head and frowned. The younger Winchester’s behavior made no sense. As if he thought repeating himself and pronouncing the words more prominently would somehow help clear up their meaning.

 

So Cas decided to ignore it and instead, pulled one of the books on hex bags out and placed it on the table to show Sam his findings, “This is the page with the recipe. I already checked your supplies. You have enough to make a handful of them.”

 

Sam nodded in acquiescence, “Alright…” He scanned the page before turning back to Cas, “And what do I tell Dean?”

 

Cas tilted his head again, “You can show him how they’re made, too.”

 

“I meant about you leaving again…”

 

Cas started to feel impatient, “You can tell him what I told you. I’m doing this so you three don't have to be afraid anymore. I’ll come back in a day or two. You can call me or pray to me if you need my assistance.”

 

Sam nodded, sadness and resignation in the movement, “Okay. Be careful.”

 

“Of course,” Cas stated before he left the library in direction of the stairs. His mind was already on all of the possible locations where he could find a reaper without causing too much of a disturbance when he began to ascend the staircase.

 

Dean was coming back from the garage, covered in grease, having clearly just given his car a tune up, when they were kind of stopped by each other’s presence. Dean gave him an awkward nod. “Headin’ out?” he asked as he stepped aside to let Cas pass.

 

Cas nodded, “Yes, but I should be back in one or two days. I already told Sam you can reach me on my phone if you need me.”

 

Another awkward nod and Dean clapped a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t do anythin’ stupid.”

 

For a moment Cas felt… odd. There was no other way to describe it. His whole body tensed and he felt like he was going to be sick. He carefully pushed Dean away from him, wondering if he looked as pale as he was feeling. “Excuse me,” he breathed out.

 

Dean grasped his elbow, “You look like you’re about to borch your guts up. You okay?”

 

“Please stop touching me,” Cas hadn't meant to say that, he didn’t even know where it was coming from. “I just need some air.”

 

Dean shook his head and held on firmer, “Angels don’t _need_ air. Is your mojo low? Maybe you should wait to go on your quest…”

 

“Dean, let go of me.” He didn’t know why his voice sounded so desperate. Why was it so important that Dean didn’t touch him? It didn't make any sense to be bothered by it.

 

“Why are you freaking out? I thought you wiped your emotions?” Dean asked, voice trembling slightly. His grip was loosening, but he hadn’t let go yet.

 

Cas gave him an imploring look, he felt like his whole body was revolting, “Suppressing. I'm suppressing them. Please, let me go outside. You’re hurting me.”

 

He couldn’t think, but his instincts told him to get away from Dean, so he listened to that urge. Cas didn’t know why he didn’t just push Dean away forcefully. Somehow his body seemed to be frozen.

 

“I’m barely touching you, how am I hurting you?” Dean asked, his tone laced with concern and not all that accusatory. Cas started to sway slightly and Dean moved to grasp him by both of his shoulders, “Dude, let me help you outside at least?”

 

Cas nodded just so he could finally leave. He weakly pushed one of Dean’s hands from his shoulder. What was happening? He wondered if this was one of the side effects of the spell he had used.

 

As quickly as possible he took the stairs up to the bunker’s door as if he was swimming to the surface and desperately needed the air. Everything was spinning and he felt incredibly sick.

 

He felt better when he was outside and Dean had let go of him. Cas straightened himself and looked back at the closed bunker door behind him where Dean was standing with wide concerned eyes.

 

“I'm fine now,” Cas stated.

 

Dean folded his arms against his chest, “What the fuck was that?”

 

“I’m not sure. It could have been a temporary side effect of the spell I used on myself. Maybe I should look for a more permanent way to remove those emotions if the spell was faulty...” Cas had more or less said the last part to himself.

 

“Whatever you decide to do, I don’t think you should go out on your own. What if that happens again?” Dean’s green eyes held no anger, no acidity; just authentic concern and worry.

 

Cas gave him a thoughtful look, “Do you think I should ask Sam to accompany me?”

 

“No. I’m coming with you.” Dean brushed off his jeans and took note of the grease on his hands, “Give me like twenty minutes to grab a shower and we can hit the road…”

 

“Wait! It would be unreasonable to have you accompany me, when you most likely were the trigger for this side effect. Love is a very difficult emotion to suppress and…” He shook his head, not wanting to make things more difficult, “You’re the last person I should have around me.”

 

Dean regarded Cas for a moment, a storm in his eyes as they shimmered with unshed tears and an anguish he cannot ever recall seeing on his friend’s face. At least, not since Lisa. The man let out a shaky exhale and nodded. “Fine,” Dean snipped, grabbing the doorknob and yanking the door open with more force than necessary, “I’ll grab Sam.”

 

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas was aware that Dean was angry, but without emotional context it was impossible to decide what to say to him.

 

Dean had turned to walk through the door and halted, in an instant he rounded and stormed forward, invading Cas’s personal space, “You know what? Fuck you, Cas! Fuck you and your inability to deal with your shit! You think you have the monopoly on hurt? Guess what? You _don’t!”_

 

Cas stepped back, confused by the sudden outburst, “Dean… I'm not hurt. Not anymore.”

 

Dean scoffed, “Yeah, I get that. You shut your emotions off like the fucking Vulcan you are, because you couldn’t human up and just deal with them. Think it’s easy for us? Think we’re better equipped to deal with heartbreak? Or any of the bullshit you fed me earlier?” He stepped closer and poked a finger in Cas’s chest, “Humans aren’t better equipped, we just _have_ to put up with it, we don’t have the option to tune that shit out. And _apparently_ you’re hurt enough to tell me I’m the last person you should be around. So, fuck you, Cas. Just fuck off.”

 

Dean moved to walk back inside, but Cas held him back, “So what do you suggest I do?”

 

“What does it matter? You’ve made your choices, your decisions. The fuck could I say that would even register? I’m just a fuckup that you need to stay away from, so maybe that’s what you should do.”

 

Even though Dean tried to turn around again, Cas didn’t loosen his grip around his wrist. He held him tight, in place, because he needed to know. He needed to understand what was happening with his friend, “You keep saying that it doesn't matter, but it clearly does. You are angry. You wouldn't be angry if it didn't matter. I made a decision that has unknown consequences for your life. I'm about to find out what these consequences are. You don't need a broken angel… how did you put it? Who thinks he has the monopoly on hurt. I need to function. I can't afford to lose you because of my emotional state. You have your human coping mechanisms, and I have mine.”

 

“Enough with the bullshit, Cas! You don’t know dick about what I need, alright? And you’re not broken, you stupid asshole!” Dean shook his head and wrenched his arm out of Cas’s grasp. “Wanna run away from your family, your emotions, whatever the fuck you can run away from? I can’t stop you, but don’t play it off as you’re doing me some sort of favor. You’re a fucking coward and you’re running away.”

 

“You’re right. I don’t know what you need. You’re an infuriating and contradicting human being. You push me away, but ask me to stay, and I don’t know what I should think about that. But you shouldn’t assume that you understand me. Because if that’s what you really think of me, you don’t know me at all.”

 

The sound that escaped Dean was a cross between a laugh and a sob. “That right? I don't know you at all? So, I don't know that your favorite food, when you could eat, was PB and J? That the stupidest grin on your face is reserved for when you watch bees? Or the fact that when you watch a movie, you squint your eyes at the screen when a character says something stupid? Or that your doubts started a hell of a lot sooner than when you got roped into our lives?”

 

Dean stepped closer, “Maybe I don't know that your favorite time of day is when the sun rises, because you like the way the colors of the sky make you feel closer to Heaven. Maybe I don't know that, despite everything you've been through, you'd like nothing more than to be up in Heaven with your family. Or maybe, maybe I don't know you enough to see the way your lips tilt up on the left side a little higher when you smile.”

 

Shaking his head he chuckled mirthlessly, “Yeah, Cas. Maybe I don't fucking know you at all…” Dean turned away again, but not moving forward. His shoulders were hunched, as though he were trying to compose himself.

 

“I wanted to die,” Cas murmured slowly, “and I helped myself. Your only answer to a problem is ‘to suck it up’. That doesn’t work for me. I’m not you. If you really think of me as family, why would you want me to get hurt?”

 

Dean rounded on him then, “On what planet do I want you to get hurt? When the fuck have I intentionally wanted to hurt you?”

 

“On the way back to the bunker.” Cas shook his head slowly, “I don’t mean when you hit me. I mean the moment I told you that I needed you and you…” Cas winced when the sick feeling came back, but he tried to ignore it, “Why do you want me in a state where I want to end my life? There is no explanation other than selfishness that I can see as a motive. Explain this to me.”

 

A tear slid down Dean’s face, his chest shook a little as he took a deep breath. “Yeah, you know what? It _is_ fucking selfish to want to end your life. To want to abandon your family without any fucking regard to how it would make us feel. And I have never, not once, wanted you to feel that way.” He leaned in close, close enough he could feel the heat of Dean’s breath, “And the fact that you think I’m capable of wanting you to feel that way? Fuck you.” Dean drew back, arms folded over his chest, sucking his bottom lip against his teeth as he shook his head.

 

Cas squinted his eyes at him, “So why aren’t you happy? I informed you about my problem. You don’t want me to leave and I don’t want to leave either. I got rid of the problem so I can stay. Why are you still angry?”

 

“Have you been paying any goddamn attention at all to this conversation?” Dean’s tone was slightly sarcastic, but more hurt than anything else.

 

Cas sighed deeply, why did humans over-complicate things so often? “What do you want from me, Dean?”

 

“Really doesn’t fucking matter now…” he breathed out.

 

"We're going in circles, Dean,” Cas could hear his voice start to show the frustration he was feeling. “If you're done heaping reproaches, maybe you could focus your energy on helping me find a solution to our problem. If you don't want to talk about that, then let me finish my mission to find out if something is out there wanting to get revenge for the reaper's death."

 

“You found the damn solution for you, but what the fuck am I supposed to do, huh? I don’t have the option of turning my feelings off, so, like I fucking said, it doesn’t matter now.” Dean shook his head and started to walk back towards the door of the bunker.

 

“What feelings?” Cas asked before Dean could open the door.

 

Dean’s hand froze over the handle. He didn’t turn around as he whispered, “Don’t worry about it.”

 

“Predictable,” Cas murmured and turned around to walk to his truck. He didn’t know what he had hoped for as an answer, but he should have known that Dean wouldn’t want to talk. There was this rule; Dean always expected others to talk about things, but never did himself. Cas felt annoyed that the emotions were trying to claw their way back to the surface. He hoped he would feel better if he was far away from Dean. He needed a break from his friend.

 

He opened the door of his truck and slid behind the wheel, waiting for Sam to come up.

 

What he didn’t expect was Dean storming up to the driver’s side door, yanking it open, and pulling him from the cab. Before Cas could even comprehend what was happening, Dean grabbed the lapels of his trenchcoat and pulled him closer, crushing their lips together. Dean shoved him against the side of the truck, biting his lower lip in a demand for access. When Cas let out a gasp of surprise, Dean took it as his permission, plunging his tongue in Cas’s mouth. The kiss was rough, hungry, replete with an unfathomable need.

 

And just as quickly as it happened, Dean drew back, lips kiss-red and slightly swollen. He quirked a brow, “Who’s predictable now?” Dean turned from Cas then, appearing to actually leave; from the way his body moved with the sort of determination you see in someone trying to escape.

 

“If you’re running away, you are still predictable,” Cas breathed out. He wanted Dean to stop, “Please, don’t.”

 

“Don’t what, Cas?” Dean turned then, “Don’t develop feelings for my best friend? Don’t fucking spend two months in solitary confinement, deliberating and debating constantly on whether or not to tell you how I feel if I ever saw you again? Only to come to the realization that it’s all fucking pointless? That it doesn’t goddamn matter, because one of us is gonna die. What the hell is the point of making that loss so much fucking worse by adding these kind of feelings to the mix?” Dean shrugged his shoulders, “You had the right idea, Cas. Get rid of the fucking emotions and move on.”

 

Cas pulled Dean forcefully back against his truck and pinned him there, “You’re not going to die on my watch.”

 

“No. No, instead you’re the next target and there is _nothing_ I can fucking do. Much better.”

 

“There are always forces out there who will want me dead, exactly like there will always be monsters out there that want you dead. I will fight for this – us. But only if you are willing to fight, too. Don’t give up.”

 

“Bullshit,” Dean challenged. “You’re suppressing these emotions just because I couldn’t fucking fess up, what are you gonna do if it doesn’t work out? Are you gonna kill yourself? Cuz I’m tellin’ you now, I’d rather have you as a friend for the rest of my sad little life, than possibly lose you, even to yourself.”

 

Cas tilted his head, “If it doesn’t work, I’d just cast the spell again.”

 

“That’s easy enough for you, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Just act like everything’s fine, continue fighting crime and defending Gotham despite the fact shit‘s gone down? I can repress the hell out of my shit, man, but I don’t think even I’m strong enough to come back from us not working out and trying to still be friends.”

 

“What if it works out and you miss your chance at something really good just because you were too afraid to even try it?”

 

Dean cast a sad smile over his shoulder, “I’m a Winchester. That kind of happiness isn’t in the cards for us. Something is always gonna get in the way. We’re better off not thinking about it.”

 

Cas had suspected that would be coming, so he wasn’t surprised by Dean’s words. Especially since this thing between them had been unstable from the beginning. He guessed love being strong enough that it could help you through all things was just something that happened in movies and books. Not in reality. Even with his suppressed emotions, he could feel the words having an impact, somewhere deep inside of him.

 

It was a weak excuse, but one Cas could accept for what it really was. Dean was afraid and he didn’t want to get invested. That was something he could understand. He pushed himself away from the truck, taking a few steps forward, “Dean.”

 

“What, Cas?” He sounded tired, resigned.

 

“Come back for a moment,” Cas asked softly.

 

Dean hesitated at first, before letting out a deep sigh and turning back to Cas, stepping forward. “Yeah?”

 

Cas cupped his face and stepped closer, “I don’t feel like I’m losing less just because we can’t have this between us. _Not_ being with you doesn’t change the way I feel about you. It doesn’t make the thought of losing you any less bearable, any less unthinkable. The road always ends the same, but what we do with our time… I’d like to think that does, in fact, matter. So, if you find it in yourself to stop being afraid, I will be here... waiting.”

 

Cas wanted to kiss him, at least one last time. But he didn’t want to do anything that made Dean uncomfortable. So he just thumbed softly over Dean’s ear and, finally, let him go.

 

Dean took in a ragged breath, the dam started to crack, a tear falling down his face, “I’m… I’m just a fuckup, Cas. I…” He wiped away the errant tear and shook his head, “I don’t know how to not be scared.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

 

Cas gave him a soft smile, cupping his face again with both hands, “It’s just another monster, Dean.”

 

“I may not ever get my shit together…” he warned.

 

“I’ve been with you in your darkest hours. I’m still here,” Cas countered, knowing that Dean’s biggest fear was always that people would leave him. He had no intention of doing so. “And I will stay at your side, as long as you want me to.”

 

Dean gripped Cas’s wrists, holding his hands in place, their eyes locked. Not that he ever had much of a concept of time, in that moment he easily lost track of it. After a beat, Dean sighed out a soft, “fuck it,” before he pressed forward, capturing Cas’s lips in a much more tender kiss than their first.

 

Cas couldn't stop himself. His hand slid into the hair just above the back of Dean's neck, pulling him closer and deepening their kiss as he licked over the seam of Dean's lips and felt him open up.

 

He felt the walls that were keeping his emotions at bay start to crumble against the will of feeling this moment. He didn’t care what happened after. This was perfection. Like he had been missing something crucial in his life and was suddenly complete. He pushed Dean against the door of his truck without breaking the kiss. A kiss that suddenly got more heated.

 

Dean had one hand in Cas’s hair, the other on Cas’s cheek to hold him in place when Cas still hadn’t decided what to do with his free hand. He finally settled it on Dean’s hip, using it and his whole body to press closer to Dean, trapping him between the car and himself. It still felt like he wasn’t close enough.

 

Dean ground against Cas, almost as though it were simply innate, causing both of them to moan. Cas’s hand left its position on Dean’s hip and slowly wandered higher, over Dean’s sides and across his chest to his shirt collar. “Dean,” he mumbled, between kisses before he opened the first button on Dean’s shirt. “Is this... okay?”

 

Dean groaned against Cas’s pulse point, grabbing him by the tie, “Ain’t a goddamn virgin, Cas…” Dean fisted his free hand into Cas’s hair, pulling his head back to expose more of his neck before latching on.

 

Cas didn’t need to be told twice. He just wanted to make sure Dean wanted the same thing, not that the way he was kissing along Cas’s throat wasn’t a clear message. But Cas had made so many mistakes over the past by misunderstanding things, he didn’t want to take any chances. He quickly opened the rest of the buttons, moaning when the last one gave way and he could slip his hand over Dean’s heated skin.

 

He gasped when Dean bit where his neck met his shoulder, Cas’s hips reacting by pressing forward against Dean’s. They were both hard. Cas ran the rough pad of his thumb over Dean’s nipple, eliciting a groan as Dean arched up against him. Trailing his hand upwards, he twisted it into the dirty blond locks and pulled, dragging Dean’s face to his.

 

Dean eagerly complied with the rough and demanding kiss, swallowing down the man’s moan as they desperately sought contact. Cas paused briefly to unbuckle Dean’s belt and undo his jeans, yanking them down just far enough to free the man’s erection. Dean hissed, eyes slamming shut as Cas gripped him, stroking Dean at a somewhat slow pace, completely immersed in the sensation of feeling his cock against the palm of his hand.

 

As he quickened his strokes, Dean swore and bucked up into Cas’s hand. He’d never heard a more beautiful sound than Dean falling apart. Greedy for more of those sinful sounds, Cas’s other hand trailed lower, dipping between Dean’s legs, he began to gently fondle his balls while he stroked harder, faster.

 

“Fuck… Cas, I’m gonna…” His sentence was abruptly ended when Dean moaned against Cas’s jaw, his body trembling as his orgasm shuddered through his body. Despite the trembling of his body, Dean moved with a confidence, a determination as he beared down and crushed his lips against Cas’s again.

 

Cas was in a daze, mesmerized as he felt Dean unbuckle his own belt, sliding his hand past the barrier of slacks and boxers. When Dean palmed his erection, Cas swore his vision became filled with white dots, on the verge of passing out from the sheer pleasure of contact alone.

 

When Dean gripped him firmly, a rough and unbidden pace, Cas bit back a moan. Every excruciating second of contact was whiting out his vision more and more. His experience with sex was minimal, but Cas knew then, it would never be as good with anyone as it was with Dean Winchester.

 

Dean’s mouth found it’s way to the sweet spot beneath his ear, sucking the skin into his mouth, teeth grazing as he marked Cas, shooting a tingling sensation throughout his entire body. Cas gasped out Dean’s name amongst a litany of groans. He could feel Dean’s grin against his neck. The pleasure coiled within him, like a tightly wound spring, unable to stop himself from bucking urgently into the man’s hand.

 

Cas came with Dean’s name on his lips and slumped against him bonelessly as the waves of pleasure slowly subsided.

 

He had his face pressed against Dean’s throat, leaving a few lazy kisses there before he leaned back, “That was… amazing.”

 

Dean let out a soft laugh as he started pulling up his pants, “I can't believe we just did that…”

 

Cas touched Dean’s shoulder to clean him up, before he did the same with himself, “I didn’t expect that… I never dared to hope.” Cas winced, he didn’t mean to say that out loud. He felt anxious that this would be the part where Dean would push him away again. His emotions were back in full force and Cas had almost forgotten how much negativity was coursing through them. But he couldn’t bring himself to regret the decision to not suppress them any longer.

 

Dean smiled, raising his hand to Cas’s face, gently thumbing over his lip before leaning in to press a soft kiss to his mouth. Dean drew back, staring at Cas as though he’d never seen him before, “Shit, Cas. I kind of don’t know what to say here…”

 

Cas leaned in to taste Dean’s lips one more time. How was he supposed to ever stop doing that? “Can we never stop doing this?”

 

Dean chuckled, “Pretty sure ganking vampires will be a little difficult with you attached to my face.”

 

Cas took in a deep breath, feeling hopeful, but steeling himself against a possible rejection, “But would you be open to do this again? Maybe even… have a different relationship with me than before?”

 

Dean appeared contemplative for a moment, finally answering with a soft exhale, “I figure there's something to what you said. Not bein’ together wouldn't make losing you any easier on me either. But…” his voice trailed off as he looked away. An awkward silence dangling between them.

 

“But?” Cas prompted quietly, his chest started to constrict and he bit his lower lip to distract himself.

 

“But it would be some serious leverage against both of us. If any of our enemies knew we were more than friends, shit… they could really fuck with us.”

 

“What if we keep it a secret?” Cas suggested carefully, “We tell no one, not even Sam and Mary.”

 

Dean pursed his lips in contemplation and shrugged, “I guess I can’t really argue with that. You’d be okay with that?”

 

Cas nodded quickly, “Yes, I would be more than okay with that if that means I can… have you.”

 

He quirked his brow, an amused smirk on his face, “Oh, you can _definitely_ have me…”

 

Cas surprised himself with the possessive growl that fell from his lips before he pushed Dean against the truck and kissed him again, “Good, because I have no idea how to stop kissing you.”

 

Dean groaned into the contact, both of them getting a little lost in each other’s lips, tongues, the way they fought for dominance over the other. After a beat, Dean pulled back, a little breathless, ”Cas… Cas, man, as much as I’d like to make out against your truck like a couple of horny teenagers, didn’t you have some holy grail quest?”

 

Cas looked sheepish for a moment, “You’re right. I apologize. I need to find a reaper to test the wardings on and ask some questions. Do you want to accompany me?”

 

“Thought you needed to get away from me?” he teased.

 

“I changed my mind,” Cas smiled and nudged his shoulder playfully.

 

Dean smirked, “You know, for a robot, you’re being kind of goofy…”

 

“The spell doesn’t influence me anymore. The wall broke down… so I’m not a ‘robot’ anymore,” Dean grinned when Cas used his fingers to make air quotes.

 

“So, my kiss broke your wall?” Dean asked, eyebrow quirked, his expression a little cocky.

 

It had been Cas’s decision to feel again, but he loved the fact that Dean thought the kiss had been the reason. He supposed on some level it was true, Dean was an awesome kisser. Cas grinned and nodded, “You’re very good at kissing.”

  
Dean waggled his eyebrows, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet…” And then suddenly everything around him was muted as Dean stepped in, closing the distance between them.


	2. Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we clearly did not anticipate the SPN writers to follow up and address the issue of what Cas had done AND Dean’s reaction to it when we wrote the first chapter. But that’s what we get, right? For wanting to attempt to write an on-going canon-compliant behind the scenes fix it! Doesn’t mean we won’t make it work to our advantage! Not that this episode really needs a fix-it, it was plenty Destiel all on its own! 
> 
> Also for reference I transcribed all of the Dean and Cas scenes in the episode; I've posted it on my tumblr [here](http://misspoogy.tumblr.com/post/156757729808/complete-dean-castiel-scenes-full-transcription). Please feel free to use it for your own fics! Also, I'll be happy to never watch this damn episode again after spending hours transcribing it lol.

**Chapter 2: Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets**

 

After a fruitless search for a reaper, which made Dean even more concerned  – it should not have been so damn difficult to find a reaper; they had given up and come back to the bunker. Despite the tentative switch in gears in their relationship, despite the fact that several hours earlier they were making out like a couple of nymphos against the side of Cas’s shitty truck, the repercussions of what could possibly happen to Cas was still weighing heavy on Dean’s mind.

 

Cosmic consequences. That only meant bad shit and a lot of it. Not being able to find answers was making him irritable, on edge. When they finally got back to the bunker, Dean couldn’t take it anymore, blurting out the first thing that popped into his head, “What the fuck were you thinkin’, Cas?”

 

“What do you mean?” Cas responded, sounding irritated and frustrated. “Don’t tell me this is still because I broke your stupid deal with the reaper? I thought we were over with that.”

 

“Maybe if we had answers, if we knew  _ what  _ the damn consequences would be! And it was no more stupid than you breaking the blood pact.” Dean scowled, Cas’s response not making him feel inclined towards sympathy.

 

“It  _ was  _ stupid. Why didn’t you pray to me when you were incarcerated? Why didn’t you even tell me if you were okay? Instead of praying to me, you called a reaper and made a deal! You were the one telling me that we need to stop making deals!” 

 

Dean dragged Cas into his room, just in case Sam overheard them arguing. “Calm the fuck down!” he hissed. Dean scrubbed his hand over his face, “Look, I didn’t pray because I knew there was fuck all you could do. I had no idea where I was and even if you had your wings, you couldn’t have located me without me telling you where I was.”

 

“At least I would have known that you were okay and I wasn’t chasing after ghosts. I didn’t even know if you were still  _ alive…  _ There was a time when you would pray to me everyday and you just stopped.”

 

“Yeah, cuz if I recall, last time I prayed to you every night, you fucking ignored me!”

 

Cas looked down, shaking his head, lips thin in a grimace. He sounded bitter, “So, you’ve lost your faith in me... That’s what I get. I saved your life and that of your mother’s and all I get is your anger. You know what? I’m done discussing this.”

 

Cas turned around and left Dean’s room, closing the door behind him with more force than necessary. 

 

Dean slammed his fist into his head board, “Fuck!” He was beyond pissed.

 

And that’s how, two days later, he and Cas were still giving each other the silent treatment. Despite getting roped into Cas’s “personal thing”; an angel buddy of his getting ganked, they still struggled to communicate amicably. Their –  well, whatever the thing was that sort of resembled a relationship, was off to a  _ great  _ start. And on top of it all, Sam was trying to play mediator. While he knew his brother was just trying to make shit less awkward, it was grating on Dean’s last nerve.

 

Thankful for the distraction of driving after checking the scene where Cas’s friend was killed, it had been far too short a journey to the rendezvous point, or whatever, with the other angel guy Cas used to work with. Not that angels had work, more like missions. Dean pulled up on the street just in front of the diner they were to meet, The Wright Spot. Probably a greasy spoon that had disgustingly good burgers and homemade pie. Well, at least something good might come out of this.

 

When they got out of the car, Sam addressed Cas, “Alright, who we meetin’?”

 

“His name is Ishim. Before I, uh, commanded my own flight of angels, my own battalion, I served under him with Benjamin.”

 

“And you think he knows what’s going on?” Dean asked, grateful he could keep his tone curious, instead of annoyed.

 

It was nice to hear that Cas had stopped sounding pissed off, “We’ll find out. You wait here.”

 

Dean furrowed his brow, tone suddenly a little more demanding, “Whoa, wait. Excuse me?”

 

Cas turned around again, giving them an apologetic look, “Ishim said to come alone. He doesn’t like humans.” 

 

Dean’s expression blanched, showing his palms expectantly. What the hell was the point of dragging them along if they weren’t even supposed to stay with Cas? Before Dean could argue, Cas continued.

 

Tilting his head, he squinted his eyes at Dean, “If I plan to do anything else stupid, I’ll let you know.” And there was the annoyed sarcasm again. So much for the hope that Cas had stopped being angry at him.

 

The angel didn’t wait for an answer. He just stalked off, leaving them outside of the diner. Sam turned back to face Dean, eyebrows still quirked, his expression a mirrored parody of his own.

 

Dean was pissed, but more than pissed, he was worried. Angels were getting ganked and Cas thought it was a good idea to meet some guy alone? Yeah, dude was another angel, but that shit in the arcade looked like an angel on angel attack. And they all knew better than to easily trust a friggin’ angel.

 

Sam moved to lean up against Baby. Dean was half-tempted to yell at his brother for it. Not that he actually cared, he was just so on edge, he almost wanted to look for a fight. He started pacing, having silent arguments in his head with Cas. Reimagining their conversations, imagining how to approach future fights. It had been too long, way too long. Granted it had probably only been five minutes, but five minutes in their line of work was enough to potentially end the world.

 

Sam folded his arms over his chest, a kind of bored expression on his face,  _ “And  _ you’re gonna storm in right…” he dragged the word out and Dean shot him an annoyed look.

 

_ Fuck it.  _ He needed to make sure Cas was okay. Dean moved for the door as he was followed by an unsurprised,

 

“Now.”

 

There was an annoying bell over the door. So much for being sly about it. Dean saw Cas after he quickly turned his head before turning back to face the dude across from him in the booth. Dean smiled, there was no need for the other angel dicks to know shit wasn’t the best between them at the moment, “Hey.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes, his voice sounded more than annoyed, ”Dean.”

 

Dean approached the booth, making it a point to ignore Cas’s tone and expression, “Feel a little left out over there.” Moving to sit down next to Cas, he said, “Scoot over.” 

 

Dean slid as far over as possible to make room for Sam. It had nothing to do with getting the chance to have his body pressed up against Cas’s. Not at all. 

 

Ishim ignored them and poured a sugar packet in his coffee. He sounded like he was disappointed in Cas, “I said to come alone.”

 

Dean kept slightly jostling himself, trying to not feel too pleased at the fact that Cas was probably getting more and more annoyed. Shit, Dean never really had been all that mature when he was pissed.

 

Cas sounded frustrated, but at least he still introduced them as his friends, “These are my friends  –  my friends who don’t listen very well.” He gave Dean a pointed look that he returned with a smirk.

 

Dean stared at the dick in front of him, trying to assess what his deal was. Not really interested in introductions, he just stared at the guy.

 

Sam, on the other hand, tried to be polite, “How you doin’? I’m –”

 

The chick angel interrupted Sammy, “We know who you are.” Dean was trying to figure out why she was sitting in a chair across from the booth. Come on! If the three of them could squeeze into that tiny ass bench, dude had more than enough room to let her sit next to him. 

 

Ishim looked over to her and instructed, “Check outside to see if there are others.” She left without so much as a nod.

 

Cas looked after her, Dean following his gaze. Cas sounded defeated when he looked back at Ishim, ”I only brought Sam and Dean.”

 

“As far as you know.” Ishim didn’t sound very convinced.

 

Dean, leaning forward against the table with his arms folded, asked, “Well, who wants some pie?” looking up at Ishim with a smirk.

 

Ishim continued to pour packet after packet of sugar into his coffee mug. Guess that confirmed that angels had a sweet tooth. His voice sounded condescending, “You know, when I knew Castiel, he was a soldier. He was a warrior. He was an angel’s angel.”

 

The hell was this douchebag blabbering on about? Already on edge from the overall feel of the conversation, this was clearly a set up to an insult, and that only pissed Dean off more. No matter how rough things were between them, didn’t mean Dean was gonna sit idly by while someone else insulted his best friend.

 

“Now look how far he’s fallen…”

 

Dean, never even blinking, held his gaze on Ishim, “How about a little coffee with that sugar?”

 

The bastard barely acknowledged him before turning to Cas, a smarmy smirk on his face, “No wings, no home. Just a ratty old coat and a pair of poorly trained monkeys.”

 

Eyebrows quirked in annoyance, without missing a beat, Dean told the asshat exactly what he thought of his interpretation of Cas’s life, “Oh. Well, you can go to Hell.”

 

“Dean, it’s fine,” Cas stated in a quiet but determined tone. Even though Cas tried to hide it, Dean had known the angel long enough to know he was hurt by those words.

 

Sam gave Cas an upset look, one that mirrored how Dean was feeling in that moment, “No. No, it’s not.”

 

Cas tried to deflect, steering the conversation back to the reason they were here, “Sam, this isn’t about me. It’s about Benjamin.”

 

Ishim leaned back a little, “Now  _ that  _ is refreshingly accurate. But since you brought a couple of extra ‘people’ to our little chit chat, we should go somewhere more private. I have a safe house nearby.” He didn’t wait for a confirmation, just stood up and pulled some money out of his wallet before he looked down at Cas, “I’ll go get Maribel.” His voice sounded sarcastic as he added, “So nice to see you, old friend.” Ishim tossed some cash on the table in front of Dean, “Have some pie.”

 

Dean looked down at the cash and shrugged. Just because the guy was a dick, didn’t mean he couldn’t take him up on some free pie. 

 

Sam quickly moved to the other side of the booth, “Wow,” he cleared his throat, “Hell of a friend, Cas.”

 

Dean turned to look at Cas, for the first time in the past couple of days he was feeling much less pissed at the guy. Maybe it was the fact that Dean didn’t like the way Cas just let Ishim lay into him. Like Cas wasn’t one of the most badass and argumentative beings he’d ever met in his entire life. It was kind of scary. Was Cas breaking? Dean couldn’t stop himself from asking outright, “Why do you let him talk to you like that?”

 

“If Ishim can help me find whoever killed Benjamin, then I have to,” Cas stated matter of factly.

 

“Okay, yeah, look I – I get that we need super dick there, but, I mean, come on...” He leaned back, trying to refrain from scoffing at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. Cas was not the type of guy to take shit lying down, so why now?

 

Cas was clearly done with the conversation, “The angels that I served with are being killed. So, I will put up with Ishim, I will put up with everything else, and so will you. I have to go.” He pushed at Dean so he would let him out of the booth. 

 

Dean could see Sam shake his head as he let Cas get up, before he looked after their friend. He couldn’t believe how the dick angel had treated Cas and that his friend didn’t even try to fight back. Something in his mind whispered a possible reason for that, but he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to think about the fact that Cas actually believed the things Isham had said to him were true. That he didn’t have a home and that he was weak… He remembered their fight and how much guilt and self loathing he had heard in his friend’s voice. 

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

The only thought present in Cas’s mind was that he had hoped he would die by Lily’s hand. At least his death wouldn’t be in vain and could give her heart the peace she deserved. Not that he regretted his choice. He would always gladly give his life for Dean and Sam, there was no question. But if it gave meaning to something, like giving justice to a person he wronged, he would have prefered it that way.

 

Dean and Sam walked into the war room, ending his thoughts about Lily, carrying a few beers with them. As they approached, Sam moved to take a seat on the table as Dean placed a beer in front of him, “You earned it.” 

 

When Dean clapped him on the shoulder, it was more comfort than he thought possible. The last few days had been unpleasant, to say the least. Then there it was, a tiny caress, so subtle that he doubted Sam would have caught it, but it was enough to know that Dean was trying to be as affectionate as was appropriate. 

 

Cas grabbed the beer, only to place it in front of him on the table, “Well, this will do very little for me, but I–I appreciate the gesture.” He followed Dean’s movement through his peripherals before the man sat down next to him.

 

“What Ishim said… You’re not weak, Cas. You know that, right?” Dean’s gaze was piercing, expression firm, serious. 

 

Cas couldn’t look at him, afraid that Dean would be able to look right through him if he lied. He  _ didn’t  _ know that. He didn’t feel strong, especially at the moment. The problem with looking away from Dean was that he faced Sam, and the younger Winchester had the same ability of being able to read him like an open book.

 

Sam’s expression was softer, a little more kind, but just as serious as he added, “I mean, obviously, you’ve changed, but it’s all been for the better, man.”

 

“And you have been with us every step of this long, crazy thrill ride. And no matter how crazy it got, you never backed down.” Dean wasn’t usually so gentle with him, Sam he’d come to expect that level of sympathy, but Dean? Well, he had a tendency to hold Cas a little more accountable for his emotional choices. 

 

“And that takes real strength…” Sam continued.

 

Cas looked between Sam and Dean before he stared down at the table, “Thank you.” It was nice to hear them say such words. He hadn’t anticipated how much those words would mean to him. How they affected his state of mind. He had told Isham that his friends made him stronger and right now he could feel how true those words were.

 

And as though Dean’s overall behavior wasn’t confusing him enough, he made things even more complicated by being forthcoming with how he felt, “Cas, I don’t like how the whole Billie thing went down. Okay? I know you think you were doing the right thing. And I’m not mad. I’m worried. Because things like ‘cosmic consequences’ have a habit of biting us in the ass.” 

 

Cas nodded slowly as he kept holding Dean’s gaze, “I know they do. But I don’t regret what I did, even if it costs me my life.”

 

Sam turned his face downwards, expression even sadder as he contested, “Don’t say that, man.”

 

Dean stayed consistent, avoiding the topic altogether, “So what are you gonna do if you find Kelly and, uh, Lucifer junior?” He looked to Cas then, “It is a Nephilim, right?”

 

Cas shook his head, “Oh, no. It’s more than that. An ordinary Nephilim is one of the most dangerous beings in all of creation. But one that’s fathered by an archangel, the Devil himself? I… I can’t imagine the power.”  

 

Dean looked away, his expression unsure and worried.

 

“But, Cas, at the end of the day, it’s a mom and her kid. I mean, do you–do you think you’ll be able to…” Sam’s question, his implication was riddled with concern. 

 

Cas looked down with a sad expression, ”There was a time when I wouldn’t have…” He smiled when he thought about how he had been before he met the Winchesters, or even at the beginning of their friendship. The mission always came first and there was always a bigger picture. He let out a soft chuckle, “Hesitated.” Cas shook his head slightly, “But now I don’t know.”

 

Sam fixed him with a small, sad smile.

 

Dean took a breath and asked the unanswerable question, “So, what are we gonna do?”

 

That was a very good question. The only thing he knew for certain was that his old ways wouldn’t work. He couldn’t complete such a mission without reticence, he had changed too much. The world wasn’t just black and white, and solutions weren’t all that simple. There was no right or wrong here, but he still believed… hoped that they could find a way to save everyone. Cas grabbed the beer, “Let’s drink, and hope we can find a better way.”

 

He held up his beer, shooting Dean a questioning look. He wondered if they were okay now. Cas really wanted to kiss Dean again, their encounter a couple of days ago still fresh in his mind, and it was particularly hard to not think about it with him so close by. Especially when he watched how Dean closed his lips around the bottle of beer.

 

After taking a swig of his beer, Sam changed the subject, “You said Ishim and Mirabel kept their vessels. I didn’t even know that was a thing. How come you didn’t?”

 

Cas looked down at the table, “I saw no need. I wanted her to have her life back and I don’t need a vessel in – ” 

 

Dean leaned forward, hand raised to interrupt Cas, “Her?”

 

“Yes, I had a female vessel before,” Cas explained slowly, not for the first time wondering if Dean would have treated him differently if he had kept a female vessel.

 

Dean’s expression was unreadable, looking at Cas with a curious expression, as though he was trying to assess him. 

 

Sam asked, “So, how do you guys choose vessels?”

 

Cas had trouble looking away from Dean. He wondered what was going on in Dean’s head. He distracted himself by taking a quick sip from his beer and turned back to Sam, “There are certain bloodlines that can contain me. The woman was one of Jimmy Novak’s ancestors.” 

 

“That’s why you could possess Claire?” Sam’s question didn’t sound like a question, more like seeking confirmation.

 

“Yes, exactly,” Cas folded his hands, “The higher the angel class, the more difficult it is to find a suitable vessel. That’s why I kept to one family line.”

 

Dean thumbed the label on his beer, slowly starting to peel it off of the bottle, he seemed uncomfortable. Sam looked at his brother, appearing to note his lack of response and placed his empty bottle on the table before standing up.

 

“I’m feeling beat. Think I’ll head to bed. Night, Cas. Night, Dean.”

 

“Night, Sammy,” Dean mumbled, not looking up, still focused on the label that was now halfway pulled off of the bottle.

 

“Good night, Sam, “ Cas nodded, having mixed feelings about Sam leaving him alone with Dean. Something was obviously bothering Dean and he hoped they wouldn’t get into another fight. He was tired of fighting with Dean.

 

“Are you okay?” Cas asked quietly after Sam had left.

 

Dean appeared a little out of it, turning to look up, “Hmm?”

 

“What’s on your mind?” Cas took another sip from his beer, steeling himself for whatever was coming.

 

“A lot…” Dean kept his focus on the beer bottle.

 

Cas sighed in defeat, “Care to elaborate?” He knew he sounded sarcastic, but he couldn’t help it.

 

The sarcastic tone seemed to be the key to snapping Dean out of his dazed state. He turned to finally look at Cas, “Well, I’m thinkin’ about what these cosmic consequences could be, the fact that you seem to be the only decent angel in existence, and don’t even get me started on the mindfuck of you having a female vessel. So, a lot means: a lot…”

 

Cas shook his head in disbelief, “Why is it so hard to believe I once had a female vessel? You know I’m an angel. I don’t have a gender.” He tried to avoid the other two topics, because he didn’t want to start another fight with Dean.

 

“I know, man. It’s just… I don’t know…” Dean took another swig of his beer, finishing it off. He looked at Cas’s face for a moment before changing the subject, “Why haven’t you healed yourself?”

 

Cas tilted his head, curious about the sudden change of topic, “Um… I’m not strong enough to heal myself at the moment.”

 

Dean let out a long-suffering sigh and stood up, holding his hand out to Cas, “Come on.”

 

Cas took the offered hand and let himself get dragged to the kitchen. “Dean… what?”

 

Dean ignored his question, pushing him gently to sit down on one of the stools as he went to one of the cabinets, pulling out a beaten up medical supply kit. Dean dropped the heavy, metal box down on the counter behind Cas, grabbing some gauze, cotton balls, antiseptic, and something else he couldn’t quite make out. 

 

Suddenly, Dean was in his space, gently gripping Cas’s chin with one hand, the other dabbing the antiseptic on the cuts on his face. He remained silent as he proceeded to clean his lacerations, movements gentle and kind. Dean tilted Cas’s chin upwards slightly, thumb grazing the skin beneath the cut on his lip, eyes focused on the area.

 

As he slowly lifted his gaze to Cas’s eyes, he gave him a soft smile, “Well, none of them are deep enough for stitches, so that’s good.”

 

Cas nodded, “It doesn’t hurt… much.”

 

Dean leaned forward, pressing a chaste kiss to the cut on his lip. He drew back, a smirk in place of his smile now, “Better?”

 

Cas squinted his eyes at him, “Hm, I’m not sure. Can you try again?”

 

Dean chuckled, this time pressing his lips fully on Cas’s. It was short, sweet, and utterly perfect. He cupped Cas’s cheek and drew back slightly, “How ‘bout now?”

 

Cas wrapped his arms around him to pull him closer, “I think we’ll have to repeat this over and over for it to have a pain-relieving effect.”

 

“Well, then. Maybe we should take this somewhere else?” Dean offered, his tone seemed hesitant, as though he expected Cas to refuse.

 

Cas raised a questioning eyebrow, “Where do you want to go? Your room is very close to Sam’s.”

 

“Yours isn’t.”

 

Cas gave Dean a quick smile and grabbed his hand when he stood up from the chair, pulling Dean after him to his room. He had hoped they would get some alone time soon. He hadn’t expected it to be so soon, but he was more than happy they had stopped fighting and could continue the exploration of their new found relationship.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean gently closed the door behind him as he followed Cas into his room. It was sparingly decorated, not very many personal items, and that made Dean feel sad. Not that angels had much to be sentimental about, but it was the sort of reality check that made him realize that maybe they hadn’t been there for Cas as much as they should have.

 

Cas moved to sit on the edge of his bed, hands folded in his lap, an air of nervousness making him seem much more innocent, much more timid than the badass Dean had grown fond of.

 

Sitting next to Cas, he stilled the angel’s fidgeting hands with his own. “We don’t have to do anything if you’re not comfortable, Cas.”

 

Cas intertwined their fingers. Squeezing his hand, “That’s not it… It’s just that I don’t have much experience and the last time I did this... it didn’t end very well for me.” He looked up at Dean, his eyes determined, “But I want this… I want you.”

 

Never had three words both terrified and excited him all at the same time. The reality of everything was sort of hitting him, several days too late. The past couple of days being pissed at Cas, dealing with the silent treatment, their only communication being terse and sarcastic… Dean felt like he was going nuts. 

 

How the hell are you supposed to fight against someone that’s been your friend for years, now shifting into a new category? If jerking each other off had the power to create this level of confusion, frustration, loss… What would be in store for them with their next big fight if they went further?

 

Dean was terrified, not just of what sort of personal hell and emotional baggage would come from taking the next step; but of losing Cas. It was a friggin’ conflict. Maybe there could be a middle ground, at least until he got his head on straight about everything. “I want you, too, but uh… would you totally hate me if we didn’t do anything tonight? Maybe just lay down together? Today’s been…”

 

“Exhausting?” Cas suggested with a soft smile.

 

“I was gonna say fucked, but that works, too.” Dean returned the smile, moving to stand to get undressed. Clad only in his boxer briefs, he crawled onto the right side of the bed. Dean held in a gasp when Cas started to strip. Any doubts he may have had about being into dudes instantly disappeared when the guy tugged his slacks down, his boxers coming down slightly, revealing wicked hipbones. Looking down at his own crotch, he half-shrugged to himself.  _ Yep. Definitely not straight. _

 

Cas gave him a shy smile when he crawled into the bed, “Is it okay to kiss you?”

 

“Ye –Yeah, ‘course.” Dean nodded, watching in a sort of amazement at the intimacy still being created between them. Sprawled out on Cas’s bed, mere inches from each other, face to face, their heads cradled by pillows; it felt a little surreal.

 

He felt pinned by Cas’s soul searching look, but couldn’t help but close his eyes when he felt Cas’s hand on his cheek. Dean could feel Cas’s breath ghosting over his lips before he captured his mouth in a soft kiss. It was over too soon and when Cas pulled away again, the air between them felt colder. He opened his eyes, noticing Cas was chewing on his lower lip, “Dean, can I ask you something?”

 

He nodded, “Sure, shoot.”

 

“Would things be different between us if I had a female body?”

 

Ah, the million dollar question. Dean shrugged, being as honest as he could, “Well, in some ways, I guess? That’s kinda what’s weird, I’ve always preferred women, but you uh… you’re kinda the exception to a lot of rules, you know? And I mean, if you had been a chick, I probably would have tried to hook up with you when we first met, and there’s no way we would have ended up best friends…”

 

Cas nodded slowly, but still appeared to be thoughtful, “But would this between us be easier for you if I had a female vessel?”

 

“Honestly, at this point? No. Which is also kind of a mindfuck. I’m attracted to you, Cas, and I don’t think your vessel, whatever gender, would be a deal breaker.” Dean carded his hand through Cas’s hair, letting it rest at the nape of his neck.

 

Cas looked relieved at that, leaning his head into Dean’s hand, “I’m glad to hear that, but I don’t understand why you seemed upset earlier when we talked about my past vessel.”

 

Dean sighed, “I wasn’t upset. I was weirded out by it, but that’s only cuz I was thinking how much we would have fucked up our friendship if you were a chick.”

 

Cas smiled and nudged his cheek with his nose before he placed a tender kiss there, “I probably wouldn’t have… what do you call it? ‘Hooked up’ with you in a female vessel.” He leaned back and scrunched up his nose, “Although, it would have been hard to resist you.”

 

Dean shook his head, cocky grin in place, “No way, I can pretty much guarantee you would have slept with me by the third time you dropped in on me.”

 

Cas chuckled lowly, “I probably would have been too afraid. Also, when we met, I still tried to stick to Heaven’s rules. And sleeping with you would have had consequences…” 

 

And suddenly the joyful camaraderie was gone, the hateful reminder of the great unknown looming over them. The cosmic consequences of what Cas had done. Dean looked down as he changed the subject, “I’m not  _ just  _ worried, Cas. I’m fucking terrified of losing you to whatever is gonna happen.”

 

Cas sighed and pulled Dean closer. Foreheads pressed together, “I know and I’m sorry for putting us in this situation, but I would do it again if it meant I could save you. I’m terrified of losing you, too.” He chuckled lowly, “How often did that happen? Where one of us died, or we lost each other because of the lives we lead? And yet, we’re still here. Maybe we should enjoy the time we have together, instead of fearing an impossible to predict future. Who knows what will happen...”

 

“Have you met me?” Dean questioned, tone only slightly accusatory. “I’m here, that’s a step in the right direction, but the thing is, askin’ me not to worry about shit? You’ll have better luck convincing Crowley to put on a dress, alright?” 

 

“I’m not asking you to stop worrying, Dean,” Cas shook his head slightly, his hand finding its way into Dean’s hair, “I just don’t want you to hold back with me.”

 

Dean gripped Cas’s wrist, keeping his hand steady, fixing the guy with a soft smile, “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll uh… I’ll try.” The way the angel made him feel so incredibly vulnerable yet safe at the same time, was pretty damn miraculous. 

 

Before Cas could respond, Dean realized he better set an alarm. Moving away from Cas, he leaned over the side of the bed, reaching for his jeans, successfully finding his phone in the first pocket he checked. When he rolled onto his back on the bed, he set his alarm for 3:30 AM and dropped the phone on the bedside table before turning back to Cas, “Sorry.”

 

“For what?” Cas tilted his head.

 

“The phone…”

 

Dean didn't get the chance to say more before Cas pulled him closer and kissed him hard, nipping at his upper lip before he pushed his tongue into Dean's mouth, deepening the kiss. When he pulled back, he was a bit out of breath, "Sorry, I’ve wanted to do that all day."

 

“Really? Cuz you seemed more pissed at me than anything…” Dean panted against Cas’s neck as he trailed his tongue down to the angel’s pulse point and sank in, reveling in the sounds he was making.

 

“I occasionally have contradicting feelings and thoughts,” Cas breathed as he tilted his head to give Dean more access.

 

When Dean drew back, the purpling of burst capillaries had already started to form, he smirked at the thought of having marked Cas. Trailing lower, his tongue now following the formation of the guy’s chest, pressing soft kisses in its wake. In between his ministrations he mumbled, “Gettin’ more human all the time…”

 

Cas’s voice sounded breathy, occasionally interrupted by a surprised gasp, “Contrary to my brothers, I consider that to be a compliment.”

 

“Good,” Dean said before swiping his tongue over Cas’s left nipple, “It was meant as one…”

 

Cas gasped out his name and arched his back towards him, trying to get closer. Dean splayed his hand over Cas’s lower abdomen, keeping his hips planted on the bed. His fingers dipped just under the waistband of Cas’s boxers, a featherlight touch that didn’t go any further than the teasing ministrations at the edge of his pelvis. 

 

Smirking, Dean continued his exploration of the angel’s torso, feeling particularly smug when, every time he teased, Cas let out an almost animalistic growl. It was getting more and more difficult to keep his hands to himself, and if he kept this up any longer without any intention of follow through, they were both going to have a serious case of blue balls. 

 

Trailing his hand back up Cas’s torso, he snaked himself further upwards, cupping Cas’s face in both hands, all sounds in the world going silent as their lips met again. A bruising collision of lips that was slowly consuming Dean’s higher brain functions. He had to force himself to stop. Drawing back, his breathing came out in ragged pants.

 

Cas’s lips were reddened, the type of redness that implies a far more sensual act than kissing. It looked damn good on him. Dean thumbed over the guy’s bottom lip, smiling down, “You’re way too good at that.”

 

Cas licked at Dean’s finger and wrapped his lips around it, giving him a sinful look.

 

“Fuck…” He couldn’t take his eyes off of Cas. When the angel swiped his tongue in a circular motion around the digit, Dean groaned. Eyes slammed shut, he tried to steady his breathing. Cas finally released his finger and Dean let out a soft chuckle, “Fuckin’ tease…” 

 

Cas tried to hide his grin as he buried his face against Dean’s neck, leaving soft kisses on the sensitive skin, “I’m a quick study.”

 

“Cas,” Dean practically growled the guy’s name when he sucked at his pulse point with a weirdly talented mouth. “We uh… shit, we need to stop before we go too far…”

 

Cas drew back slowly with a disappointed sigh, “It’s not easy to keep my hands off you.”

 

“I get it, man, but… I know it seems weird, but I kinda wanna take things a little slower, is that okay?” It wasn’t technically a lie.

 

Cas gave him a soft smile, “Does that make me special?”

 

Actually, yeah, it kind of did. But he’d be damned if he was going to let the guy know that. Dean rolled his eyes, “Yeah, special ed.” To accent his playfulness, Dean poked his tongue out at Cas.

 

Cas wrinkled his forehead, “That’s not my name.”

 

Dean was unable to stop the laugh from bubbling out of him, he slapped a hand on Cas’s shoulder, wiping the mirth from his eyes, “Holy shit, dude. How do you always make me laugh like that?”

 

Cas tilted his head, a small smile playing around his lips, “Unintentional, genuine confusion. You are the most confusing human being I’ve ever met.”

 

“Have you never met Garth?” Dean asked, slightly in jest but also with genuine curiosity. He couldn’t remember them having met, and Cas’s response to the weirdness that is Garth would be pretty damn hilarious.

 

“I don’t think I have. He’s the hunter who looked after Kevin for a while, right?”

 

Dean tried to ignore the pang of loss he felt at the mention of Kevin’s name. He was unsuccessful. Trying to focus on something more positive, he recalled Garth’s antics. Dean chuckled as he finally answered, “Yeah, he was. He uh… He’d make me seem like the most logical being you’d ever met.”

 

“That’s hard to imagine,” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand under the blanket and squeezed it.

 

“If you ever meet him, remind me to have him introduce you to Mr. Fizzles... ” Dean teased, letting go of Cas’s hand in favor of cuddling up to him, resting his left arm over the angel’s abdomen, head resting against Cas’s shoulder.

 

Cas kissed the top of Dean’s head, his fingers drew soft pattern on his left arm, “Is that an animal?” Cas actually sounded tired.

 

Goosebumps started to form on his forearm from the way Cas was lightly touching him, it was nice. It had been been far too damn long since he’d done anything so intimate. Shaking his head slightly against Cas’s shoulder, he mumbled, “No. It’s a sock puppet that can detect liars.”

 

For a moment Cas didn’t say anything, his movement stilled for a moment before he continued to trail his fingers over Dean’s arm, like he was writing something, “Is it a cursed object? Or magical?”

 

Dean chuckled, “Nah, just Garth.” He tilted his head up slightly, now able to look at Cas, “Can I ask you somethin’?”

 

“Sure,” Cas carded his fingers through Dean’s hair for a moment, before they found their way back to his arm.

 

“How long have you been into me?” Dean started to trace along the lines of Cas’s torso absentmindedly with his own fingers. He could feel the muscles twitch and Cas tense up for a moment when he touched one of his ribs. 

 

Cas sounded a bit breathy, “I’m not sure when my feelings for you changed. It took me a long time to even understand their nature and when I did, I tried not to acknowledge them.”

 

Dean nodded, “Cuz of the laws you guys have about laying with humans?”

 

“Yes and no,” Cas sighed, pulling Dean closer. “The law exists for a good reason, so that no Nephilim could be created. But there were also a lot of angels that thought humans were beneath us and having sexual intercourse with one was highly frowned upon. Remember the time you took me to that den of inequity?”

 

Dean chuckled, “How could I forget?”

 

“I still believed in this law at that point, but I never shared the belief of my brothers that humanity is beneath us. Still, I was terrified. Even the thought of doing something forbidden… I still saw myself as…. How did Isham phrase it? An angel’s angel. When I fell from grace the first time and started to experience human emotions… it changed my perspective on a lot of things.” He kissed the top of Dean’s head again, “And being with you, well… as long as I’m in a male vessel, we can’t create a Nephilim.”

 

That made Dean recollect his brief time with Anna with a sense of post incident dread, “Shit, so if I'd knocked up Anna…” his sentence trailed off.

 

Cas nodded, his voice sounded like a growl, “That would have been very unfortunate.”

 

Dean flicked Cas’s arm, “Chill, jealous. No need to get all growly.”

 

“That should have been my first clue. It bothered me when Anna kissed you in front of me.” Cas pulled Dean closer for a moment, as if he wanted to assure himself that Dean was still in his arms.

 

“Is that why you played tonsil hockey with a friggin’ demon?” he asked, his tone more serious than teasing. Dean’s eyes were starting to feel heavy, he curled into Cas a little more, enjoying the comfort of the warmth of another body. It was relaxing in a way sleeping with a gun under your pillow never could be.

 

“No. I kissed Meg because I was curious and… I thought it was the appropriate reaction.” He chuckled lowly, “There was so much I didn’t understand at that time.”

 

He leaned his head against Dean’s, “Dean? Do you want to sleep in my room?”

 

Dean sighed against Cas’s chest, “Would you mind? Just for a couple hours. Set my alarm already…”

 

“I could wake you up if you prefer it to your alarm. I don’t need to sleep.”

 

“Nah, my phone is too far now, it’s okay.” Dean grinned, leaning up slightly to press a kiss to Cas’s jaw, “I’ll be out of your hair before Sammy wakes up.”

 

Cas made a sad, noncommittal noise before he resumed drawing patterns on Dean’s arm. “I’ll watch over you.”

 

Dean fought back the urge to groan in protest as he moved from his comfortable position cuddled up against Cas, propping himself up on his elbow to look the angel full on, “We agreed not to tell anyone, Cas. You havin’ second thoughts?”

 

Cas shook his head, “No, we should keep it a secret. But I still wish we were in a different situation where we didn’t have to.” His chin dipped down, looking embarrassed, “I’m sorry. It’s stupid of me to wish that.”

 

He understood, being in a relationship on the sly was a lot more difficult and a lot less exciting than movies depicted. There was always the possibility of fucking up, someone getting frustrated, hurt, you name it. A lot of bullshit came with it; but it just wasn't safe for them to be open about it. “You'll tell me if it ever gets to be too much, right?”

 

“Will you tell me, too?” Cas asked, biting his lower lip.

 

Dean nodded, “I promise.”

 

“Okay. I promise I’ll tell you, too,” He carded his fingers through Dean’s hair, “Do you want a good night kiss? I heard that’s a thing.”

 

Dean chuckled and leaned down to kiss Cas; soft, gentle, and chaste. He moved to curl back into his previous position, enjoying their brief moment of getting to be, for lack of a better word, coupley. “Night, Cas.”

 

“Goodnight, Dean.”

  
Dean fell asleep to the sound of Cas's heartbeat.


	3. Regarding Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck. We kind of did the opposite of fix this episode. Let us apologize now.
> 
> Dude, that fucking episode man. Emotional and story developing GOLD. Holy fucking shit, we wrote this within hours of watching the episode, it was such a beautiful foundation for our fic. We kind of used this episode to create a fuck ton of angst, cuz that's what we do. I mean, come on, if you've read any of our other chaptered fics, you know we can't keep them happy for long. Just like the writers.

**Chapter 3: Regarding Dean**

 

Dean was pretty sure that Sam was crazy, thinking that the dude’s death was connected to the Supernatural in any way. If you asked him, it looked like it was more of Mob boss ordering a hit with a side of irony. Sam wanted to get more research done, so Dean found his way to a legit cowboy honky tonk, complete with mechanical bull. It was pretty commercialized, but they sold cheap booze and Dean needed to get stupid.

 

By his sixth shot of whiskey, he was feeling warm and a little lighter, like he could let his tongue be a little looser. When a cute waitress stopped by for the third time asking if he needed anything, he smirked at her and asked, “How ‘bout your company?”

 

As she sat down, Dean was feeling far more relaxed than he usually would. Why was it so much easier with chicks? Cas made him feel nervous, and a fuck ton of other emotions that didn’t equate to anything remotely sexy or fun in the bedroom. If he really thought about it–yeah, it still weirded him out a little that Cas was a dude.

 

Dean didn’t doubt he was attracted to Cas, but there was a part of him that had become so used to repressing that attraction, for many years. Hell, _any_ attraction he had to a guy was placed in a box and hidden away in the Hangar 51 of his subconscious. That kind of brain training was not easily fixed, let alone easily undone.

 

Two more shots and the waitress was getting far more touchy feely. It felt good. Felt nice, getting the chance to be openly affectionate. The fact of the matter was, even _if_ Dean was remotely comfortable with the concept of PDA with another guy, it wasn’t like he and Cas could be open about whatever they were anyway.

 

As the waitress made her way to his side of the booth, she pressed a gentle bite to his collarbone as she snaked her hand down his torso to the hem of his jeans. _Fuck._ Alarms were going off in his head, but his body was reacting to her ministrations.

 

Dean was conflicted and confused. Technically, he and Cas had never said they were exclusive, it wasn’t ever discussed. If he slept with someone else, Cas couldn’t get pissed at him if they’d never been clear, right? Dean managed to quiet the alarms as he repeated that fact to himself.

 

She whispered in his ear, “Wanna see where we take our breaks?”

 

Dean nodded. He was going to do this. And it was going to be fine. Cas would be fine with it. Wobbling as he moved to stand, the waitress giggled as she steadied him. _Fuck._ He wondered what proof that whiskey was. Shaking his head a little of the drunken haze that softened his surroundings, Dean finally answered, “Lead the way.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas sighed in frustration when he got Dean’s voice mail for the fifth time in the last few hours. He knew they were on a hunt and Dean would probably call him when he had time, but he felt selfish. He missed Dean and just wanted to hear his voice. He thought he had had a lead on the Nephilim, but it turned out to be nothing he didn’t already know. He tried to not let himself feel affected by the setback, but that was easier said than done.

 

He leaned back against the headboard of the shabby motel room bed and wondered if he should call Sam. Sam always had kind words for him when he felt down. He could also ask him if Dean was okay.

 

Dialing Sam’s number, he immediately felt relieved when the hunter answered his phone on the second ring. “Hello, Sam. It’s me.”

 

 _“Um, hi Cas…”_ Sam answered slowly.

 

Cas felt his stomach clench. Something wasn’t right, “What happened? Is Dean okay? Should I come?”

 

_“No, man. Look, don’t worry. Dean got hit by a spell and we need to kill the witch that cast it to lift it from him, okay? We got this. Besides, you’re like over a day’s drive away from us.”_

 

“What spell?” Cas asked. Even with Sam’s words of assurance, he couldn’t help but feel worried.

 

 _“He’s forgetting things,”_ Sam explained. Even though he was trying to hide it, Cas could detect worry in the younger hunter’s tone.

 

“Like what?” Cas asked tentatively.

 

_“Everything. But don’t worry. We’ll fix this. I’ll fix this, okay?”_

 

“Can I talk to him? Is he with you?” Cas wondered if Dean had forgotten about him, if he even remembered him. If he remembered the recent changes in their relationship.

 

He heard rustling in the background before he heard Dean’s voice. _“Heya, Cas! I rode a bull!”_

 

Dean sounded happier than usual, almost carefree. Cas was relieved to hear that Dean seemed to remember his name at least, “Are you feeling okay, Dean?”

 

_“Yeah, yeah. Apparently I was awesome at it, too. I don’t remember it, though.”_

 

His chest felt constricted and he was debating whether or not to ask the next question, because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer, “How much do you remember about the last two weeks?”

 

Dean chuckled, _“None of it.”_ He said it so casually, like he hadn’t just upended Cas’s entire world.

 

Cas closed his eyes, taking in a shuddered breath. No wonder he hadn’t heard from Dean. He had no reason to contact Cas when he couldn’t even remember _them._ He wondered if Dean had also forgotten how he felt about Cas. “I see,” he said after a long moment of silence, “Can you give Sam back his phone?”

 

_“Sure, talk to you later, buddy!”_

 

It hurt more than he could have anticipated, hearing Dean refer to him by that term again. He tried to compose himself before Sam spoke into the phone again, _“Yeah, hey.”_

 

“If you need anything, Sam. Let me know. How close are you to finding the witch?” He hoped Sam wouldn’t notice how shaky his voice sounded.

 

_“Close. We’re retracing Dean’s steps from last night and I’m sure we’ll find the witch soon. I’ll keep you posted. Don’t worry.”_

 

Even with Sam’s standard kind and calming words, Cas still felt horribly useless in that moment. There was a time where he would have just flown over and healed Dean with a simple touch to his forehead. He sighed, “Okay, please call me if you run into any problems. I’ll try to get to you as soon as I can.”

 

_“Sure, Cas.”_

 

The line went dead and Cas had an overwhelming urge to throw his phone against the shabby motel room’s discolored wall.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean turned on the faucet, cupping the cold water in his palms before splashing it on his face. Sam literally just had to tell him his entire life story. And that’s what it seemed like. A story. Pieces kept fading away and he felt like he was going crazy. Only tiny fragments in a chaotic jumble were left in his head.

 

Bracing his hands on the edge of the sink, he breathed out a soft, “Okay.” Turning to face his reflection in the mirror, he recited to himself, “My name is Dean Winchester...”

 

A shaky exhale and he continued, “Sam is my brother…” Flashes of different memories with Sam were fractured, but he could still remember his brother’s face. Could remember his relief when he found Sammy after he ran away. The joy he felt when they played pranks on each other. He couldn’t remember the pranks though.

 

“Uh, Mary Winchester is my mom…” Flashes of beautiful blonde hair and a kind smile. Tomato soup on rainy days. The lyrics to a song. Her favorite song. He couldn’t remember it. He could hear the melody in his head, the lyrics, but… The song itself? Whoever sang it? Was gone.

 

Again, his breathing ragged, Dean forced himself to continue, “And Cast–” His name was gone. The full name of their best friend was fading into the blackness that was consuming his memories. Dean _could_ remember a nickname, “Cas is my best friend.” Relief washed over him for recalling that much. There was a tan trenchcoat, crooked and inside out blue tie. Blue. Not as blue as Cas’s eyes, though. Everything else was getting fuzzier by the minute.

 

Steeling himself, Dean stared his reflection down and repeated, “My name is Dean Wi–” It wasn’t gone, it couldn’t be gone, the moments it took to recall terrified him. “Winchester…” he finally finished. And suddenly everything started fading away. He could feel it. He could feel the way his fragmented memories started to wash out, like fading photographs.

 

This was how he was going to die. Losing everyone he gave a damn about, before losing himself. Shakily inhaling, he frantically glanced around, a vain attempt at trying to shake off the spell. His voice was cracking under the weight of his desperation. “My name–my name is…”

 

Looking up at the mirror, he hoped seeing his own face would shake the name that was slipping away. Nothing. There was nothing. Dean’s lip trembled as a tear slipped down his cheek. “My…” he cleared his throat, trying to get ahold of himself, trying not to cry, “My name is–is…”

 

It was gone. Everything was gone.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

He hadn’t heard from Sam in hours and was worried sick. Cas paced up and down in his motel room before finally deciding to call Sam again. He needed to know what was going on.

 

After the fifth ring, he was surprised to hear Dean answer Sam’s phone. _“Who’s this?”_

 

“Dean! It’s me. Where’s Sam?”

 

 _“Who’s me? And how do you know my brother?”_ His tone was accusatory and layered in distrust.

 

Cas was shocked. Dean had forgotten him. For a moment he couldn’t speak, his mind suddenly blank. It felt like his heart had stopped beating. “It’s me… Cas… You really don’t remember me?”

 

 _“Should I?”_ Dean still sounded wary, but at least his voice had calmed somewhat.

 

“I’m your best friend,” Cas answered slowly. “Your memory loss has gotten worse.”

 

Dean let out a soft sigh, _“Really? I’m sorry, man. This is kinda fucking me up.”_

 

Cas closed his eyes, wishing he could be there for Dean, “I can’t imagine how this must feel for you. Can you tell me where your brother is? Is he closer to finding the witch that did this to you?”

 

_“Witch? Like Hocus Pocus kind of shit?”_

 

Cas bit his lip, hard. “Yes,” he breathed out, “the one that is responsible for your memory loss.”

 

 _“Huh…”_ Dean sounded completely unaffected by that revelation. _“Hey, did you know we’re best friends with an angel?”_ he asked, tone now excited and childlike.

 

“Yes, that’s me, Dean,” he said with a soft smile. His eyes were burning and he hated himself in that moment, hated that he couldn’t be there for Dean. Maybe talking to him on the phone could help, even just a little bit.

 

_“Dude! That’s awesome! You gotta tell me, what’s Heaven like?”_

 

Cas shook his head. Dean didn’t know anything. He sounded so naive, like a child. Probably thinking Cas had a harp and lived on a cloud. Although, Cas wasn’t entirely sure that Dean hadn’t imagined that before he lost his memory, too. He seemed to be pretty sure Cas had a harp when he introduced him to his mother. For some reason, Cas couldn’t bring himself to tell Dean what Heaven and angels were really like. Dean sounded so carefree, he didn’t want to be the one to take that from him, “It’s a peaceful place, beautiful. Every soul gets reunited with their loved ones when they die.”

 

 _“So, I’ll get to see my mom again?”_ The innocence in his tone was utterly heartbreaking.

 

“Yes, you will,” Cas smiled sadly. He couldn’t tell Dean that his mother was alive again, afraid that would cause him to run away in order to find her. He wondered why Sam had left him alone. “Dean, do you know where your brother Sam is?”

 

 _“I…”_ he paused for a beat, before letting out a shaky exhale, _“I don’t…”_

 

“It’s okay, Dean. Don’t worry,” Cas tried to reassure him. He could hear the distress in Dean’s voice, hoping if he could just get him to talk, maybe he would calm down. “I’m sure he’s working on a way to help you at the moment. Tell me about your room. What can you see?”

 

Dean made a humming noise, _“Oh, there’s a TV!”_

 

Cas couldn’t help but smile at Dean’s excited tone, “That’s good. Turn it on, see if you can find something good. You like the show with the bird and the coyote. Maybe that’s on.”

 

He could hear Dean rustling, likely grabbing a remote, the sound of the TV being turned on. _“There’s other cartoons. Spongebob. Cool.”_

 

Cas tried to not take it personally that Dean could remember the name of a cartoon character, but not the name of his best friend. He knew memory loss affected everyone differently, usually it was a chaotic process of deterioration. Not the sort of thing that made a lot of sense. “Tell me about Spongebob,” he mumbled softly, just wanting Dean to keep talking. It was the only way he could be there for him. He couldn’t imagine how scary it must be for Dean to lose himself like that.

 

 _“Dumbass keeps failing his driving test, it’s pretty sad.”_ Dean chuckled at something that happened on the screen.

 

“Doesn’t he live under water?” Cas asked, confused, “How does he drive there?”

 

_“He drives a boat. Boats that work underwater. This show is weird…”_

 

“It’s about a sponge. I think that’s basically saying that it’s weird,” Cas tried to lighten Dean’s mood. His last comment sounded a bit off, too thoughtful in contrast to the carefree things he had said before.

 

Dean chuckled, _“Now Spongebob and his best friend are raising a baby clam. Kinda nice, seeing two dudes raise a kid.”_

 

Cas couldn't suppress the sob falling from his lips. This was too much. It was just too much and he didn't know how he could handle this any longer. What if Sam couldn't find the witch and they lost Dean to this? He couldn’t stand the thought of Dean forgetting everything, especially that he was loved. “Dean… I just wanted to let you know…” He sighed deeply, “I know you don’t remember me and maybe this won’t mean anything to you, but… there are people around you, your family… that love you very much and they’ll do everything to help you get your memories back. I wish I could be there with you right now because I do, too; I love you.”

 

Dean chuckled at something on the television, before finally responding, _“My brother Sammy, he’s trying to get my memories back. I’m lucky to have him. Hey, did I tell you our best friend is an angel?”_

 

Cas closed his eyes for a moment, “Yes, you did... You did.”

 

He couldn’t do this any longer, “Dean? Do you know how to turn on the GPS on Sam’s phone?”

 

He heard a humming noise, some scuffling, before Dean came back on the line, _“Nothing on this phone or the hotel phone says GPS. Oh, are you saying I should dial the numbers for GPS?”_

 

“Find the settings and there should be an entry for ‘Location’. You just tap it and activate the GPS so I can find you.”

 

 _“Okay…”_ Dean sounded determined. He could hear the rustling of the phone, Dean accidentally typing in the numbers on the keypad, and some muttered curses. After a couple of minutes Dean came back on the line, _“Who’s this?”_

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

The car ride back to the bunker after Rowena fixed him was tense, silent. Sam kept his focus on his phone, or staring out the window. Dean was immersed in a well of guilt, eating away at him. The waitress. The steamy makeout session and promise for more, if the job hadn’t got in the way. Hell, Dean wasn’t even sure how much that failed hookup was _only_ because of the job getting in the way.

 

He kept reassuring himself that he didn’t need to feel guilty. Cas had never tried to have a discussion on what they were to each other, how exclusive their thing was. Every time he thought he might start to believe it, he’d think of Cas and his heart ached with remorse.

 

By the time they got back to the bunker, it was mid-afternoon. When he saw Cas’s truck, he felt a weird sense of dread. So, apparently this was going to happen a hell of a lot sooner than he had planned. They made their way inside, being met with a concerned Cas, fussing over him, asking all sorts of questions.

 

Sam broke down what happened and Cas seemed to visibly relax. Dean went to the fridge to grab a much needed bottle of liquid courage. He had to repress a groan, they were dry. “I’ve gotta go on a beer run.”

 

“Is that a good idea, Dean?” Sam asked, still in overprotective brother mode.

 

“Cas’ll come with me. Right, Cas?” Dean silently pleaded with the angel to understand what he was asking him to do.

 

“Of course,” Cas nodded and followed Dean to his car without any question. “I’m glad you’ve got your memories back, Dean,” he said when they were both inside of the Impala.

 

Dean nodded dumbly as he threw Baby into drive and drove off in no particular direction. He kept tapping his hands nervously against the steering wheel, an attempt to distract himself from the intense stare he could feel coming from Cas. He found an old, abandoned orchard and pulled off to the side of the road.

 

Dean took a deep breath and finally turned to face Cas, “We need to talk.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas didn’t like this feeling, at all. The serious way Dean had told him that they needed to talk and the tense silence as they walked side by side through a field, it felt like something heavy was pressing down on his chest, making it difficult to breathe. A feeling he knew well by now. Fear.

 

He stopped walking and closed his eyes, “What did you want to talk about?”

 

Dean took a deep breath, rubbing the back of his neck, a clear indicator he was nervous. “Fuck. I don’t know where to start…”

 

Cas looked away, dreading whatever Dean was about to say, “Just start at the beginning.”

 

“I uh… I fucked up, Cas.” Dean took another deep breath before he proceeded to ramble nonsensically, “I mean, I know we never said we were exclusive, even though we never said we _weren’t_ exclusive, so the kind of not knowing doesn’t help, not that it’s an excuse I guess… and I _was_ pretty drunk, but–”

 

“What are you talking about, Dean?” Cas asked. He could hear that his own voice sounded out of breath.

 

The look on Dean’s face was truly troubled, irretrievable regret dulling once vibrant green eyes, “I kind of hooked up with someone.”

 

Cas blinked, trying to understand what Dean was saying, “You mean you had sex with someone else?”

 

“Not sex. We made out for a while and uh… if I hadn’t gotten hit with the memory spell–”

 

“This happened because you forgot about our relationship?” Cas tried to clarify.

 

The flash of pain that crossed Dean’s features, the utter remorse, made the hair on the back of Cas’s forearms rise. Dean shook his head, “No. The hookup happened before I got hit with the spell. And if it uh… if the spell thing hadn’t happened, we were gonna go back to her place…”

 

This must have been the feeling that humans described as heartbreak. It felt like something died inside of him, like all the air had left his lungs and the ground under his feet was crumbling. For a moment he didn’t know where to look, but he knew he couldn’t look at Dean. He just wanted to be far away and, not for the first time that week, he cursed the fact that his wings were broken.

 

Dean reached out for Cas’s hand, and he recoiled from the hunter. Dean let out a sigh, “Look, I’m being upfront because I didn’t know where we stood. I mean, we never said how exclusive this thing was and I–I don’t wanna lie to you, Cas.”

 

“Thank you,” he replied in a monotone voice, still feeling paralyzed. He didn’t know why he said it, because the last thing he felt in that moment was gratitude. He had been a fool to believe he could be enough for Dean. Dean liked women. Cas knew that. He had been naive to think he could give Dean what he needed and make him happy, content. Or that Dean loved him in the same way Cas did.

 

That last thought hurt so much that he felt sick, “I think… I should go, Dean.”

 

“Cas… Please… Talk to me,” Dean stepped closer to Cas, eyes as pleading as his voice.

 

Cas shook his head, “I can’t, Dean. I’m sorry. I… I don’t think we should continue our relationship. We should go back to being friends, as long as we can.”

 

“I was drunk and stupid, that’s gotta count for something?” Dean took another step closer, hand reaching out for Cas.

 

Cas pulled away, “Don’t… please.” He hated how broken his voice sounded, how weak he felt in his knees, like they were about to give under the weight in his chest. “I need some space, Dean. I don’t want to say anything I will regret later. You told me I should tell you if it gets to be too much. This is me telling you.”

 

Dean nodded, eyes glassy with unshed tears, “Message received.” After a beat of, feeling the weight of Dean’s stare on him, he softly asked, “Want me to take you back?”

 

Cas nodded quietly. He wished he had an alternative, but his car was still at the bunker. He turned away from Dean when he felt a tear fall from his eyes. Cas angrily wiped it away and tried to get a grip on his emotions. He felt angry, but the last thing he wanted was to get into a fight with Dean. He knew why and it made him feel even more pathetic. Dean knew how to hurt him. The last thing he wanted to hear was that Dean had never really cared for him like that. That he had imagined this thing between them. Not talking would, at least, save him from another blow. “I’ll continue trying to find Lucifer’s offspring as soon as we’re back,” he tried to sound as neutral as possible. “I’ll call Sam if I find anything.”

 

Dean’s lip trembled as he nodded, the beginnings of a dam bursting that Cas made a point to ignore. With a resigned exhale, Dean clipped, “Got it.” They walked to where the Impala was parked and Dean moved to open the door for him.

 

Cas tried to look away from Dean, not wanting him to see that he was crying. He didn’t know why he couldn’t stop. He felt so hollow, so vulnerable. Sitting next to Dean driving back to the bunker… it just hurt.

 

“The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, Cas.” Dean’s voice sounded strange, as though it was difficult for him to speak.

 

He couldn’t help but look up at him then, which was a mistake. Taking in a deep, shuddering breath he replied, “But you did.”

 

Dean let out a mirthless chuckle, “I know. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

 

“Me too,” Cas mumbled before he slid into the car and stared out of the window. He was sorry, sorry he started to let himself believe that this thing between them had been something special.

 

As time stretched out over the silence between them, the only sounds being the way the wind was whipping against the car, he should have known better than to think Dean would let it drop. “Were we exclusive?”

 

Cas closed his eyes. He really didn’t want to talk about this. What good would it do? It was over, did he have to rub it in? He couldn’t stop himself from answering, blaming it on the anger that was still raging under the surface, “It never occurred to me that was even a question. But what do I know?"

 

He could feel Dean’s eyes on him, half tempted to bark at him to pay attention to the road, but he wasn’t going to speak any more than he had to. After a beat, Dean continued, “It’s just… we never talked about it…”

 

Cas squinted his eyes at him, “So, you would be okay if I went to some bar to find someone else to have sex with me? Oh, wait. We’ve never even had sex.”

 

Dean scoffed, sounding angry for the first time since his little confession, “Know what? Yeah. I’d be fine with it. We never said we’d _only_ see each other, and despite the fact it never went farther than a makeout session, I’m starting to feel a little ridiculous at how guilty I felt now.”

 

Cas bit his lower lip hard, his heart ached in pain, “You don't have to rub it in, okay? I'm hurt enough by the fact that this obviously meant more to me than it did to you. So, would you please shut up now? It's over. You said your part, I said mine. I have no desire to talk about this any further. I think I'm humiliated enough."

 

He wasn’t prepared for the way the Impala came to a sudden stop, Dean having pulled off to the side of the road. “Cas. Look at me.”

 

Cas crossed his arms over his chest and resolutely looked out of the window, “Just take me to my car, Dean.”

 

“Not until you look at me.”

 

"I don't have to do anything," Cas huffed and got out of the car. He could hitch a ride back to the bunker. Wouldn't be the first time.

 

He ignored the sound of the driver’s side door slamming, and Dean calling out his name. It wasn’t until he was roughly grabbed by the shoulders, forced to turn around, that he saw the same level of pain mirrored in Dean’s face. “You’re not the asshole here, alright? You did _nothing_ wrong and shouldn’t feel humiliated. I fucked up. And my fuck up is on me, do you understand?”

 

Cas exhaled deeply, trying to calm himself, “You telling me that doesn’t change the facts. I thought what we had was something special. I thought I could give you everything you want, that I could make you happy. I thought you wouldn’t need a woman to…” Cas couldn’t finish the sentence. “I didn’t want to share you.”

 

Dean sighed, wiping at the tears starting to form, “I’m sorry.”

 

Cas looked down, his voice just above a whisper, “Please don’t tell me why you did it. I really don’t want to hear it.”

  
Nodding dumbly, Dean made no attempt to give him excuses or reasons for why he did what he did. Finally after a steadying breath, he released his grip on Cas’s shoulders. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”


	4. Stuck in the Middle (With You)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK THIS EPISODE. FUCK THE TEARS. FUCK ALL OF IT. Alright, so the writers must know that Any and I decided to try and create a destiel background story in keeping with their established canon throughout the rest of the season. That’s the only explanation I have at this point for every other episode being so Destiel heavy. It’s to fuck with us.
> 
> This was also fun for myself and Any because we actually disagree on the significance of the “I love you,” line. Like most of you, Any is still wary, because, let’s face it, the writers have perfected this balance act on the line of canon destiel and queerbaiting. She sees it as their ability to incite excitement in the fandom with a line of dialogue that can be easily interpreted as platonic for the greater viewership, and something more personal and even romantic for those of us who ship Destiel.
> 
> For me? I saw this as proof of not queerbaiting. Dick directed this. The choice of who to do close-ups on, panning the camera, every SINGLE angle is plotted out in extensive detail. Dick CHOSE to have the camera pan to Jensen’s face after the initial “I love you” and then all of their faces after the following “I love all of you”. So, in my humble opinion, to me this is proof that canon destiel is only being hindered based on viewership (and more specifically the potential loss of viewership), but they actually do want it to become canon. I blame the homophobes and the bibros.
> 
> Anyway, fuck it, here’s the goddamn fix it. LOL

**Chapter 4: Stuck in the Middle (With You)**

 

This wasn’t fucking happening. This couldn’t be happening. Not after the way things had ended between them. It had been a week since he’d found the strength to confess to Cas about his fuck up. Who the hell was Dean even trying to kid? His  _ cheating.  _ It had been week since he’d taken Cas back to his truck and watched him drive off, heart and head slumping down at the same time as he watched the angel’s vehicle disappear into the horizon.

 

A week and they found themselves here. In a fucking barn. A goddamn Prince of Hell with a vendetta hot on their trail. Watching helplessly as his best fucking friend started to fade away. Dean kept his cool as he watched the trembling and fading essence of the best friend he’s ever had. Someone he loved like a brother. Someone who meant more to him than even Dean had ever been capable of comprehending.

 

Castiel was dying and the last substantial moment between them had been his attempt at getting him to hook up with a goddamn waitress in a fucking diner. All because of his own guilt. His own insecurities. 

 

Dean was surprised he was able to not break down then and there as they all watched the light fading from the most amazing being in his life. But they didn’t have time for emotion. They didn’t have time for grief. Cas thanked them, he fucking thanked them and it took everything in Dean to not collapse against his friend and beg him to hold on.

 

“I love you,” Cas didn’t look at him when he said it, but Dean knew those words were just for him. This was it. This was goodbye and he couldn’t even muster up enough courage to look at Cas, let alone respond.

 

“I love all of you,” Cas looked up, first at Sam and then at Dean. Their eyes met and Dean could see it, clear as fucking day. The begging in Cas’s eyes, the plea to understand what he meant by what he’d just said.

 

And the goddamn coward that Dean Winchester was, he couldn’t even give him that; watching in horror as Cas succumbed to the pain of a slow and agonizing death. 

 

"Just, please... please... don't make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves." Cas tried to sit up, his voice sounded determined, "And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can." Mary tried to put pressure on the angel’s wound and Dean could actually see the fight leave his body. The agonal cough that escaped Cas was on the verge of a death rattle and Dean had to clench his fists to keep himself in check. 

 

This wasn’t how things were going to end. Dean shook his head slightly, able to keep his voice calm and soft, because as far as he was concerned? There was no other option for them. They lived together, they fought together, and if this was it? They were going to die together, "Cas, no."

 

"Yes. You need to keep fighting," Cas pressed out between a few pained gasps.

 

"We are fighting. We're fighting for you, Cas,” Sam adamantly pointed out. He wasn’t just a tool, or means to an end. He wasn’t something they could just discard. 

 

"And like you said, you're family. And we don't leave family behind." 

 

When Cas started to cry, it took all of Dean’s strength to follow his mother and Sam to figure out a plan of action. They were going to get out of this alive. They were going to cure Cas. They were going to go home as a family. 

 

Dean refused to accept any other outcome.

 

**.... :::: :::: ....**

 

Cas laid outstretched on his bed, watching the Nasa livestream of Earth on his phone to calm down. He needed some rest after everything that happened, still feeling weak from the poison that had coursed through his body. But it wasn’t just the physical damage. 

 

His emotions were all over the place. He had already made his peace with the fact that he was going to die. But seeing how Mary, Sam, and Dean had stayed by his side, had refused to leave him, how they fought for him; it made him feel ashamed. He hadn’t really believed that they cared so much for him, despite the fact they had told him before. Cas had never felt like he truly belonged here, until now. 

 

Things with Dean were still complicated, but he didn’t want to run anymore. He wanted to fight for himself and decided to work through this matter. This was his family and he wanted this to work. He wasn’t ready to lose Dean over their failed attempt at a romantic relationship. So, no matter how awkward it might get, he owed them and himself to stay and work through it. 

 

He sighed deeply when he thought back to his confession. Knowing Dean, he was probably trying to forget about it and maybe that was for the best. 

 

A knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts and he heard a slightly muffled, “Cas?” just outside the door.

 

“Come in, Sam,” his voice sounded unused and rough, so he tried to clear his throat.

 

Sam gave him a quick grin when he entered his room, before he looked him over, “What’re you doing?” 

 

Cas answered with a half shrug and showed him the video on his phone, “Not much.”

 

“Want to help us in the kitchen? I mean… look, I know you don’t eat, but maybe you still just… you know… wanna hang? If you’re feeling up to it?”

 

His knee jerk reaction was to refuse because he didn’t want to intrude. But he knew that was just a personal hangup. Sam wouldn’t have invited him if he didn’t want him there. He nodded, “Yes, I’ll join you. What are you making?”

 

“I’m making a salad, so at least  _ something  _ healthy will be on the menu. Dean didn’t want to tell me what he planned and I feel nervous about that.”

 

Cas chuckled and followed Sam towards the kitchen, “That sounds ominous.”

 

Dean was already standing at the kitchen counter preparing something he couldn’t see. When Sam looked over his brother’s shoulder, he made a disgusted noise, “Seriously, Dean?”

 

Cas leaned against the table, “So, what is it you’re making?”

 

The grin on Dean’s face was blinding, partially teasing from the way he smirked at his brother, but also partially prideful, genuinely pleased with himself. “It’s a Juicy Lucy. You able to power your mojo down enough to enjoy the best cheeseburger of your goddamn life?”

 

“I can’t do that on purpose, but since I’m still healing, I may be able to taste something,” Cas explained calmly, giving Dean a soft smile in return.

 

Sam groaned and carded his fingers through his hair, “You want to let Dean poison you? You can have some of my salad.”

 

“If you can taste food again, why the hell would you waste it on shit rabbits eat? Come on, Cas. You know you'd rather have a burger…” The relief Dean had been feeling since they had made it back alive was apparent in his delighted behavior. 

 

“Of course I want a burger. Sorry, Sam.” Cas wasn’t sorry at all, but he knew that was generally something you say in a situation like this.

 

The beaming smile that Dean gave him almost made him stumble. There was pain there still, considering how things ended between them, but the fact that, in the end, their friendship was still able to win out over everything else… The pain was taking a back burner to his appreciation for his friend.

 

Dean was grilling the burgers on a griddle on their stove, skittering back and forth around the kitchen as he got everything ready, sleeves of his shirt rolled up, wearing an absurd apron. It was quite the sight. “Should I cook some bacon, too? Would you want bacon on yours, Cas?”

 

“Only if you want bacon, too.” Cas walked up next to him and tried to understand what he was doing, “Do you need help?”

 

The grateful sound the man made was answer enough, “Yes, would you grab the condiments for the buns and hell, if you want bacon too, maybe you could grab everything for it?”

 

Cas went to the fridge and looked for the bacon, which had been hidden well behind a six pack of beer, but not well enough. After a few moments of looking he managed to spot it and made a triumphant noise. He grabbed the package along with the mustard and ketchup, and brought it back to Dean with a questioning look, “This?”

 

He was carefully flipping the patties over on the griddle, turning to look at Cas briefly. Dean gave him another smile, “Yeah, put that stuff on the counter. There’s a frying pan in the cabinet…” he nodded his head in the direction of which cabinet, “and tongs in the drawer next to me. Think you could cook the bacon?”

 

Cas had gathered the things while Dean was directing him, all the while contemplating if he even knew  _ how  _ to cook bacon. He remembered recently reading something about cooking and hoped the description in the book had been accurate. “If I do something wrong, you’ll have my back, right?” He grinned at Dean and playfully shoved his shoulder, gently moving the hunter to make more room for himself at the stove.

 

Dean knocked his hip into Cas’s in response as he chuckled. “Nah, dude. Up against a Prince of Hell? Yeah, we got you. Burning the bunker down cuz you can’t cook for shit? You’re on your own…” he teased.

 

“Suddenly this task got a lot more daunting,” Cas concluded with a sigh as he laid out the bacon in the pan.

 

Wiping his hands on the apron, Dean moved to stand behind Cas, grabbing the frying pan and turning the handle slightly, “Here, grab it. If it feels weird, turn it to the other side and grab it with your other hand. You’ll figure out real quick which hand to use. Then turn the stove to a medium heat, flipping the strips with the tongs occasionally…” 

 

As Cas turned to look at Dean, his face was much closer than he was expecting. The smile on Dean’s face faltered for a moment. Cas felt mesmerized as he watched the hunter’s eyes dart downwards and back up, before donning another smile and stepping back.

 

It still hurt. Even though they had ended their relationship, Cas still felt the urge to be close to Dean, to kiss him. He missed him. He tried to distract himself by concentrating on the bacon. Turning the pieces, watching the meat sizzle in the pan. It was mind numbing and relaxing. Although Dean was standing right next to him and he could feel the warmth radiating from his body, making the urge to lean in closer hard to ignore, he felt some kind of peace in his heart and mind. He somehow knew that everything would be okay.

 

When Dean moved by him to grab something from the fridge, he placed his hands at Cas’s hips to gently move him. It was such a tender and minute action, but entirely reminiscent of the level of comfort between two people who have been in each other’s lives for a long time. When he drew his head back out from the fridge, he asked, “You guys want a beer?”

 

Sam, happily munching on his salad, mumbled with a mouth full of food, “Yup!”

 

Cas looked over to Sam and grinned before he faced Dean and nodded, “Yes, thank you.” There was something in his heart, a strange feeling of pain, but not necessarily in a bad way; mixed with happiness and the feeling of being home. For most of his life home meant Heaven, it meant his most cherished place in the park, with the autistic man and his kite. A place where he felt at peace. Cas had never thought he would be able to find a place like that again, let alone in the bunker’s kitchen. It wasn’t the room per se, it was what it represented. A family, people who cared for him and fought for him. It meant being together and being happy. Sharing food, company, and stories. 

 

He had never known he wanted something like this when he was still in Heaven. Sam, Dean, and now Mary, filled a hole in his heart he hadn’t realized he had. “Dean, when do I know the bacon is ready?” He asked with a happy smile on his face.

 

He tried to ignore the warmth as Dean leaned over his shoulder, “I like it crispy, so I'd say a couple more minutes, wait til it's more brown than pink.”

 

Cas nodded, his body moved on it’s own when he leaned back into Dean’s warmth behind him.

 

Instead of Dean moving away, he was surprised to feel the hunter’s hand move to his lower back, a gentle touch, that turned into a caress as his hand crawled to rest at Cas’s hip. The heat of the man’s breath tickled his ear as he whispered, “I’m so fucking glad you’re here.”

 

Cas couldn’t stifle a quiet gasp, before he leaned his head against Dean’s for a moment. “Me, too,” he answered, equally quiet.

 

Dean chuckled, “Bacon’s burning…”

 

Cas quickly saved the bacon by shutting off the heat and taking the pan off of the stove, “Sorry. I guess I was distracted.”

 

As Dean returned his attention back to the burgers, he quirked his brow at Cas, “By?” His question sounded innocent, but the smirk on the man’s face was anything but.

 

“I wonder,” Cas mirrored the smirk before he put the bacon on a plate and brought the pan to the kitchen sink to wash it.

 

“Burger’s are almost done, if you wanna get your bun ready…”

 

Cas returned to Dean after drying his hands and nodded, “You want to show me how you do it?”

 

Dean waggled his eyebrows suggestively, “Oh, yeah…” After putting the burgers on a plate, he wiped his hands on the apron and approached Cas. “I like mayo and mustard, lettuce and onion…”

 

“Isn’t lettuce technically rabbit food?” Cas teased him, looking back to Sam, seeing the younger Winchester grinning.

 

“When did you become such a comedian, huh?” Dean chuckled.

 

“I learned from the best,” Cas shrugged with a grin before he turned around, “Sam is a very funny man.” 

 

Dean feigned a pout, regarding Cas with a somewhat stern look, “That’s it. No burger for you. Go eat Sam’s rabbit food, since you like him so much better than me...”

 

Sam chuckled, “Don’t be such a jealous baby. I  _ am  _ the cooler one…”

 

Dean flipped his brother off, turning back to Cas and giving him an almost shy smile. It appeared that he was enjoying every moment together as a family as much as Cas was.

 

Cas mirrored the smile, he even felt brave enough to wink at Dean, showing him that,  _ of course  _ he hadn’t meant Sam. It was always Dean for Cas. No matter the circumstances.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

They had decided to introduce Cas to the wondrous sport of beer bottle bowling, setting up their empty bottles in a makeshift triangle on the table in the warroom. Dean grabbed a baseball from the artifacts room and they got started. 

 

Sammy went first, successfully knocking down all of the bottles on his first try. Making a successful whooping noise and clapping his hands in excitement, he poked a finger in Dean’s face, “Suck it!”

 

Dean rolled his eyes, setting up the bottles again and grabbing the ball off of the floor. He looked at Cas, who appeared confused as shit. Dean couldn’t help but chuckle. Holding out the ball to Cas he asked, “Wanna give it a shot?”

 

“What is the purpose of this game?”

 

“Does it need one?” Dean challenged with a half-smirk. After the hellish day they’d had, to be able to share in this, in the ability to just be silly, well… it’s what they were fighting for wasn’t it? It’s what they risked their lives for. Moments of levity that will forever make everything they do worth it.

 

Cas raised his eyebrow, “I suppose not.” He took the ball from Dean’s hand, fingers lingering on his a few moments longer then necessary. “So, I just need to knock all the bottles down?” 

 

“Basically, but you gotta roll the ball, don’t throw it, okay?” 

 

Cas nodded before he casually rolled the ball over the table without even looking, successfully knocking down every bottle. 

 

“Alright…” Dean said as he started aligning the bottles again, “New rule. Angels aren’t allowed to use their mojo…” The innocent look Cas gave him was impressive, he almost would have bought it. Dean took his turn, managing a friggin’ seven-ten split and groaning in aggravation.

 

Cas clapped his shoulder in consolation, “I would have helped, but angels aren’t allowed to use their ‘mojo’.”

 

Letting out an unamused chuckle, Dean purposely and slowly swiped his tongue along the seam of his bottom lip and tilted his head, “Funny guy.”

 

Cas cleared his throat and looked away, apparently distracting himself by taking a sip from his bottle. Sam seemed to be completely oblivious to their interaction as he built up the bottles again and snatched the ball from the floor with a challenging smirk towards Dean, “Just admit that you’re bad at this.”

 

Folding his arms over his chest, Dean shook his head, “I’m not bad at it, I’m just playing against a cheating angel and a freakin’ nerd who probably uses math or some shit to figure out angles…”

 

“Technically, I used mathematics and not my mojo…” Cas mumbled and looked over at Sam, “Is that cheating?”

 

Sam shook his head, “No. Dean’s just a sore loser.”

 

“Hey!”

 

His younger brother had the audacity to smirk at him. And that was fine. They’d see who was laughing last when he replaced Sam’s shampoo with Nair. Sam knocked all but one of the bottles down that time and Dean couldn’t help his cocky grin.

 

“Your stupid math shit not work this time?”

 

When Cas got ready to take his shot, Dean made it a point to knock his knee into the back of the angel’s, causing the ball to roll off of the side of the table, barely grazing one of the bottles.

 

Cas turned around and glared at Dean, “New rule. Hunters shouldn’t be allowed to go near angels when it’s their turn.”

 

Usually Cas’s glare would be something to fear, but in that moment? It made the guy look almost adorable. Dean chuckled and pinched Cas’s cheek, “Awww, can’t handle a challenge?”

 

Cas squinted his eyes at him before his lip turned up on one side, “You want a challenge?”

 

_ Damn.  _ Dean was impressed. He liked this side of Cas. Although, if he were perfectly honest, he liked all sides of Cas. Even the grumpy asshole he could be in the morning. “Show me what you got, angel.” 

 

Cas licked over his lips and loosened his tie, sliding it slowly out of his shirt collar, never breaking eye contact with Dean. He picked up the baseball and held it between his chin and neck before he used his tie to blindfold himself. Before Dean could do anything, Cas rolled the ball over the table and knocked down every single bottle. 

 

Dean was a little dumbfounded for a moment. Not just over the skill of what Cas had pulled off, but how damn sexy that entire performance was. He fervently tried to stop thinking about Cas, and blindfolds, and that sexy ass smirk, and...

 

He was shaken out of his shock by Sammy whooping in delight and approaching Cas with his hand held up for a high-five, “Alright, Cas!”

 

Cas pulled the tie from his eyes and awkwardly reciprocated the high-five with Sam before he turned around to face Dean with a challenging raised eyebrow, “Show me what you’ve got.”

 

If ever there was an incredibly inappropriate time to get a hard-on, it was that very moment. Dean cleared his throat awkwardly and excused himself, mumbling the word, “bathroom,” before disappearing from the room. To make his excuse not entirely a lie, he ducked into the nearest bathroom and leaned up against the closed door once inside.

 

Taking a few calming breaths, Dean tried to shake himself of what just happened. Not that Cas-related boners were a new experience for him. That shit had been happening since they’d returned from Purgatory. It wasn’t so much the physiological response to his best friend, as it was the weird emotions that accompanied it.

 

Like, a freaky combination of warmth and dread. Excitement and fear. The sort of feeling you’d get when you’re on a rollercoaster and the damn thing slowly starts to get higher and higher before the inevitable and terrifying first drop. The way your stomach lurches, like you might be sick, right before the fall and suddenly you’re screaming and laughing and it’s amazing and exhilarating. The intensity of everything, the thrill of a proverbial rollercoaster and then suddenly everything seemed to click into place.

 

_ Fuck.  _ He was in love with Cas.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

It had been a very fun night and Cas leaned back against the headrest of his bed with a smile. He couldn’t remember the last time they all had such an enjoyable time together and he hoped they could do it more often. 

 

He had thought it would be more difficult for him and Dean to be around each other again after everything, but the truth was that probably nothing could destroy their bond. It was weird how much peace that thought brought to his mind. He wasn’t even angry anymore, he knew he had forgiven Dean. It had always been easy for Cas to forgive him. The only important thing was that he wanted to keep him in his life for as long as possible. 

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a quiet knock on his door. “Yes?” He thought that everyone had gone to bed an hour ago, so he was very surprised when Dean entered his room and closed the door behind him quietly.

 

“You busy?”

 

“Not really. Just doing what I do every night. Trying to take over the world.”

 

Dean chuckled, a fond and content sound as he took a few tentative steps closer, “Can –can we talk?”

 

Cas raised an eyebrow, feeling worried all of the sudden. Dean wanting to talk was never a good sign, or at least it wasn’t something that happened very often. “Of course,” he patted the side of his bed as an invitation to sit down.

 

He seemed to hesitate for a moment before finally moving to sit next to Cas. Dean kept his gaze downwards, on his hands, presently fidgeting in his lap. The silence that hung between them was thick with tension and it took far too long for Dean to finally speak, “How uh… how’re you feeling?”

 

“I’m fine,” Cas answered without thinking, which earned him a pointed look from Dean. He sighed, “Still a bit tired, but mostly okay.”

 

Dean nodded, “Good. Good.”

 

Cas leaned forward and laid his hand on Dean’s arm, “What did you want to talk about?”

 

Without preamble, without prodding further, and without making eye contact; he breathed out a soft, “I’m so sorry, Cas.”

 

Cas sighed deeply, looking at the ceiling of his room. Dean obviously wanted to talk about their failed relationship, “I’m not angry anymore, Dean.”

 

“I know. Look…” Dean turned to face him, placing a hand on Cas’s knee, “I know you don’t want to talk about it, I know you don’t want to hear why I did what I did, but I just… I need to explain. You can kick me out right after, that’s totally fine, but can I… can I please just explain?”

 

Dean’s assessment about the situation was pretty accurate, but even if it was the last thing Cas wanted to hear, he knew it was something that was weighing down his friend. He braced himself for the inevitable pain before he nodded slowly, “Okay.”

 

The hunter took a deep breath before starting, “You terrify me, Cas. Everything about this? About us? Is terrifying. On so many fucking levels, I don’t even think I could begin to break that down. I…” he ducked his head before continuing, “I’ve wanted you for a long time, but I’ve never really understood what that meant. This is all so new to me. Catching feelings for your best friend… I don’t know, man. And nothing’s been easy for us, ever. Hell, even when we manned up and talked to each other, it still wasn’t easy.”

 

Dean scrubbed his hand over his face and continued, “When that waitress came on to me, I was three sheets to the wind and it all… it seemed so easy. I convinced myself you’d be fine with it and went with it, even though all I really felt with her was this overwhelming guilt and disgust with myself. And I fucked up. I know that. I lost what we had for something that in a few weeks, probably won’t even be a memory outside of the pain it caused you. Which kills me, you have to know that hurting you fucking killed me. And almost losing you tonight… I needed you to know that... Our line of work, any of us could bite it tomorrow and I just… I didn’t want the last memory of us together to be that pain.”

 

It was a lot to take in and Cas needed a few moments to calm his far too fast beating heart. Dean had been honest with him and there were things he needed to tell the hunter, too. “Dean... when I thought I was dying... I meant those words and I forgive you. I would forgive you anything. I don't believe there is anything that would keep me from being your friend. No matter what happens, you will never lose my heart."

 

The relief that washed over Dean’s face was beautiful. His bottom lip trembled slightly, “What do we do now?” He’d never heard the hunter sound so timid.

 

Cas gave him a pained look and pulled Dean into a hug, “I don’t know… Is this… Am I still terrifying for you?”

 

Dean drew back, regarding him for a moment. His hand found its way to Cas’s cheek, first just to cup, but as his fingers started to trail along his jaw, the feather light touches caused his heart to beat erratically. Beautifully nimble fingers feathered upwards, across his cheek as Dean’s thumb smoothed over his chin, reaching Cas’s bottom lip. Dean’s eyes tracked the movement of his thumb, before finally coming back to meet Cas’s gaze, “Completely.”

 

When Dean pressed forward, he couldn’t stop him, didn’t want to stop him. The kiss was chaste, hard and warm, an urgency that spoke of their need, while still having a wondrous tentativeness to it. Dean didn’t push further, didn’t try to deepen the kiss, and after a moment, drew back. “I wish I’d never hurt you. But if –if you let me make it up to you, if you give me another chance, I promise to try and make it up to you for the rest of my goddamn life.”

 

Cas took in a shuddered breath. He had to be sure, because he didn’t want to get hurt again, “No more other women?” 

 

Dean gave him a soft smile, “I can’t promise I won’t fuck up, I can’t promise I won’t piss you off, and I can’t promise that I’ll be the best boyfriend ever. But I  _ can  _ promise you, I’ll never fucking cheat on you again.”

 

Cas took in a deep breath. This was happening. He was going to give Dean another chance. He nodded slowly before he breathed out, “Okay. I can live with that.”

 

“Really?” The hope in his voice, the way his smile somehow made his eyes greener, was utterly breathtaking.

 

He could feel his lips reacting to the sight, mirroring the man’s smile. He couldn't speak, words were failing him, but he nodded softly.

 

Dean closed the distance between them in another chaste kiss, head slightly tilted in an attempt to get as close as possible. For a few seconds Cas didn't react at all. He didn't kiss back because he felt overwhelmed with what was happening. He had already come to accept that their short-lived relationship had been it for Dean and him.

 

When Dean’s tongue teased at the seam of his lips, gently prying them apart, Cas gave in. It was like a dam was breaking and every whisper of doubt disappeared when he let go of his fear. He opened up to Dean, to being vulnerable again, kissing him back with determination and hope.

 

As they drew apart to catch their breaths, Dean chuckled. “Can I stay here tonight?” The hope in his voice made him sound so much younger. A youthful resilience that hadn’t existed in Dean for many many years.

 

“I would be very disappointed if you didn’t.”

 

Dean smiled as he started unbuttoning his shirt, with a level of ease that spoke of their comfort around each other. Shrugging the garment off, Cas watched in fascination, finding it difficult to look elsewhere.

 

When Dean caught his staring, he smirked and arched his brow, “You'd think I would have seen all the ways you stare at me by now… This one’s new.”

 

Cas bit his lip and looked away for a moment, wondering if his desire had been so obviously written on his face. “I don’t need to hold back anymore. You know how I feel about you.”

 

Dean took Cas by the chin to bring his attention back, “I know. I like that you aren't holding back.”

 

Cas took that as an invitation to lean forward and kiss Dean deeply, running his fingers through Dean’s hair. He wanted to be close, he wanted more. Just kissing and holding each other wasn't enough anymore. He pulled back, feeling dizzy and breathless, but in a good way. "I want to have sex with you, Dean."

 

It was even more dizzying when Dean crawled over, straddling his hips as he managed to exhale a breathy, “Then what are you waiting for?”

 

Cas pulled off his tie in one go before he quickly started to unbutton his shirt, trying to not get distracted by Dean's lips mapping his throat while he tried to get out of his clothes. After he chucked the shirt from his bed, he wrapped his arms around Dean and pushed him down onto the mattress, rocking his hips against him as he kissed his way down Dean's chest, fingers quickly opening the man’s jeans. He couldn't wait to feel Dean against him, without the offending clothes between them.

 

“Cas…” Dean gasped as he arched up into the touch. His body responding in harmony with his own.

 

Cas breathed out, feeling a little overwhelmed at seeing Dean so open and receptive. He cupped Dean's face, getting lost in his eyes for a moment before he kissed him again. 

 

There was something amazing about kissing Dean, the way his kisses were determined and clear in his intention, but also had a softness and vulnerability to them. A softness that made Cas's heart ache. And with it a new wave of urgency and lust rushed over him, spurring Cas to quickly get rid of his pants and underwear before he helped Dean get out of the rest of his clothes.

 

Their mouths slotted together again in a frenzied attempt to get lost in the heat of each other, half circle indentations began to form from Dean’s fingernails clutching his arms for purchase. Cas let out a guttural moan. 

 

Dean drew back, breathing ragged as he panted out, “I’m uh… I kinda got myself ready already…” The red staining the hunter’s cheeks was either from lust, or embarrassment at his confession; Cas couldn’t be certain.

 

"So... you hoped this would happen?" Cas breathed out, caressing Dean's side with his fingertips.

 

Ducking his head, he half-shrugged, “Kinda… yeah.”

 

Cas grinned and opened the drawer of his nightstand to retrieve a purple bottle of lubrication. He had purchased it before they ended their relationship. "You're not the only one who was hoping for this. I did my research a few weeks ago."

 

Dean let out a surprised laugh, “I’m impressed.” As he moved a little further up on the bed, Dean propped himself up on one elbow, waving Cas over with his finger, “C’mere…” When Cas was within arms reach, Dean gently splayed his hand along the nape of his neck and drew him in for another kiss. Sucking Cas’s bottom lip between his teeth, Dean grinned.

 

Cas hummed against Dean's lips. Dean's carefree playfulness and happiness was infectious, and he returned the smile when he let his fingers slowly slide up Dean's inner thigh. He liked the way Dean gasped when he traced soft patterns over the sensitive skin, teasing him with a few tender kisses before he leaned back and opened the bottle of lube. He knew he had to use a lot of it so he wouldn't hurt Dean. Reminding himself they would need to go slow, even though he couldn't wait to be inside him.

 

Warming up the lube between his fingers, Dean let out a growled moan when Cas’s fingers teased at his entrance. It was not often Dean would allow himself to be so vulnerable; so to be witness to it, to be the cause of it, was downright miraculous. Using the tip of his index finger, he circled Dean’s rim, teasing at the sensitive skin. 

 

Taking Dean in hand, he slowly began to stroke the man, having read that stimulation helps in making penetration that much more pleasurable for the recipient. The sounds that kept escaping Dean was drowning out everything. All sounds, all thoughts, all feelings; until Cas was completely engulfed in beautiful whimpers and gutteral moans.

 

“Fuck…” Dean swore when Cas breached him with his finger, up to the knuckle, slow and determined. 

 

Cas watched as he slowly slid his finger in and out, seeing the digit disappear into Dean caused his own cock to twitch with excited anticipation. Dean Winchester was a beautiful human being under normal circumstances; but watching him slowly come undone under his touch? Beautiful seemed to be a far too dull and sparsely fitting adjective now.

 

Dean began to arch into the touch, chasing Cas’s finger every time he slowly withdrew it. It wasn’t long before one, then two more digits were fucking into Dean. Now all sounds were drowned by the sound of blood pumping through his veins. 

 

A whine was wrenched from Dean when Cas withdrew his fingers. He smiled, tapping the hunter’s hip, “Turn over.”

 

Dean obeyed with a dizzying speed, his lower back arched up as he braced himself on his elbows. Cas took a moment to appreciate the view, his hand resting at the man’s lower back, slowly caressing down over his left buttock. 

 

“Cas, please…” he begged, voice far less confident than usual. More demanding, more needy. Cas decided he really liked this side of Dean.

 

Repressing a groan as he slicked himself, Cas moved into position, lining up to Dean’s hole. Bracing one hand on Dean’s hip as he pushed in, the sudden heat, the tightness, seemed to clutch at his lungs as much as his erection. Cas let out a few steadying breaths as he slowly eased himself in, up to the hilt as Dean continued to whimper and beg for more in between a litany of swear words.

 

Giving them both a few minutes to adjust, he could have gotten lost in the sensation for all of eternity. A wave of impatience and spike of lust shook him, Dean snapping his hips against him in an effort to get Cas to start moving. Grip tightening against the hunter’s hips, Cas slowly started thrusting, wanting to make this last as long as possible.

 

When Dean started to moan a little louder, drawing the sound out a little longer; Cas felt his resolve begin to crumble. Every single part of him was on fire, the heat of their connection coursing through his veins, burning his overheated skin, fogging up his brain.

 

They began to meet each other halfway, Dean slamming back into Cas’s forward thrusts, knuckles white from the way his fists clenched the bedsheets. Cas was now certain he wasn’t going to last much longer. And he was right.

 

Taking Dean in hand as his thrusting became a little more frantic, a little less smooth, the man clenched when his orgasm was ripped from him, whiting out Cas’s vision. The Earth now tilted on its axis from the strength of their simultaneous release, they collapsed forward against the bed. Cas exhaled shakily against the nape of Dean’s neck as they attempted to compose themselves.

 

After a moment, Cas slid to lay on his side next to Dean, staring at the man in a sort of awed wonder. Dean remained on his stomach, but propped himself up on his elbows enough to turn his head and look at Cas, a contented smile on his face, “Wow.” His chuckle was fond and a little sleepy.

 

Cas gave him a soft smile and kissed Dean's elbow, "I guess my research paid off then."

 

Dean chuckled again, “Now I’m questioning what  _ kind  _ of research you did…”

 

“Maybe my research was comprised of teachable moments?” he teased.

 

That was met with a sleepy smile and Dean ruffling his hand through Cas’s hair, “Message received.”

 

Cas leaned over and kissed him, just a soft peck before he leaned back and smiled at Dean, “You should sleep.”

 

Dean nodded as he yawned, further proving Cas’s point. As the hunter pulled the comforter up, he moved to his side and faced at Cas, “I know you don’t sleep, but I’d like it if you stayed with me…”

 

Cas gathered him in his arms and pulled him closer, “I wouldn’t leave you for anything in the world.”

  
And he meant it.


	5. Family Feud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, apparently, when the writers don't include Castiel in an episode, we not only write him in, we have him fuck Dean up against a wall. Uh, I guess here's to hoping for some more Cas-less episodes?

**Chapter 5: Family Feud**

 

Dean was pacing back and forth in his room, phone in hand, willing himself to just man up. The last time he and Cas had spoken, it had ended in a fight. The stupid bastard was feeling better and wanted to go off on his own to find Kelly.

 

_ “Dean! I am fine now, I can go on my search, I'll call if I need you." _

 

_ Dean grasped Cas by his shoulder and spun him around, “Are you fucking serious right now?” _

 

_ “What do you expect me to do? That I just sit around and do nothing while Kelly is still out there?” _

 

_ He clapped his hands together, “Cas! It’s not about you sitting around, it’s the fact that you’re refusing to take me, or Sam, with you!” _

 

_ “It would be a waste of manpower. I don’t understand why you are upset about that? You didn’t have a problem with it before.” _

 

_ “Yeah, well, last time it didn’t feel like you were running away…” he folded his arms over his chest and turned away from Cas. _

 

_ Cas let out a frustrated noise, "What does that mean? That I can't leave the bunker and do my job without you feeling like I'm leaving you? I'm not running away!" _

 

_ Dean scoffed, “Oh, really. You’re tellin’ me you haven’t been acting kinda weird around me because I haven’t said… you know… those words… you know, back to you?” _

 

_ Cas glowered at him, “You’re acting like a child.” _

 

_ “Big talk comin’ from the guy who’s running away!” _

 

_ “I’m not running away!” Cas yelled at him, “You should stop overthinking this.” _

 

_ Dean grasped Cas by the shoulders and pushed him up against the wall, their faces mere centimeters apart, breaths coming out in harmonious pants from the adrenaline of their anger. Dean’s gaze flicked from the angel’s mouth, to his eyes, back to his mouth. Disregarding his anger for that split second, he leaned closer, and attempted to kiss his boyfriend. _

 

_ When Cas turned his head away, Dean drew back and chuckled sadly, “I’m overthinking this, huh?” He shook his head and turned away from Cas, walking back to his room, “Call us if you need us…” _

 

_ Cas didn’t reply to that. He simply left. _

 

It had been a couple of days and neither of them had been the first to cave. Dean hated how much he missed the sound of Cas’s voice. Even more than he hated admitting to being wrong. He took another deep breath and finally hit “call”.

 

It rang twice and before Cas could say anything, Dean called out, “Look, I’m sorry, Cas…”

 

“Hello, Dean.” 

 

Dean sighed, “Still mad at me, huh?”

 

“I miss you,” Cas sounded tired, “I’m not mad at you. I just miss you.”

 

“Fuck, I miss you, too. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole.” He gripped at his phone a little tighter, willing Cas to feel how much he missed him in his silent prayer.

 

“Dean…” Cas sighed in frustration, “You’re not. I just wish you would believe that I’m not going away. I want to be with you. No matter what happens.”

 

Ruffling a hand through his hair, Dean leaned against his wall and let his head fall back, “I know, I just…” Dean sighed, “We fight a lot…”

 

Cas huffed out a chuckle, “What did you call us once? A couple of ‘dumbasses’?”

 

“Didn’t you call it ‘trusting’?” Dean chuckled in return as he felt himself relax. They were okay. They were going to be okay. “So, where are you right now?”

 

“I’m in Lincoln, Nebraska. I was asking one of her friends where Kelly might be, or if she had heard from her. But no luck.” 

 

Dean let out a sigh, “Any potentials out there? Or are you kinda back to square one?”

 

“There’s another friend, but I’m not sure how promising it will be. I know it’s grasping at straws but I have to do something.”

 

“Nah, I get it. I just… it’s been kinda weird not talking to you the past few days.”

 

“Do you want me to come home?”

 

He did. He really really did. But he also needed to behave a little more like a grownup in this case. Dean left his room and headed out to the library, hoping the movement would aid in his attempt to sound as nonchalant as possible, “No… no, man. At least check out that friend first.”

 

Cas was quiet for a moment before he sighed, “Okay, it’s a weak trail, but it would be stupid to not try everything. Maybe I’ll learn something new.”

 

As Sam came into view, he adjusted his voice to sound a little more normal, “Okay, well... Stay on it. If you get any leads, let us know and we’ll keep working on it from our end. Thanks, Cas.” 

 

Dean hung up the call and stared down at his phone for a moment as he casually repeated the news to Sam, “So, Kelly Kline is in the wind. No trace.” Without even realizing it, he pulled up his text messages, going straight to his last conversation with Cas. 

 

“Great...” Sam quipped.

 

“No idea when Lucifer’s kid is gonna pop, if it hasn’t already...” Dean focused as he typed that he missed Cas again, trying to not feel like a total chick for the move.

 

“So, basically we got nothing.”

 

“Basically,” Dean shrugged as he sent the text and fired off a couple of sad face emojis.  _ Damnit.  _ He  _ was  _ a chick. 

 

“Alright. Well, we do have this other thing…”

 

Thankful for the distraction, Dean held onto his phone as he approached Sam, ignoring the fact that instead of pocketing the device, he held onto it to wait out for the vibrations of a reply, “What other thing?”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas settled back into the seat of his truck with a frustrated sigh. He had a feeling that his leads to finding Kelly only got thinner the longer he was on the road. He could hear the other angels talking about searching for Kelly. If his brethren found her first, they wouldn’t hesitate to kill her.  

 

He  _ needed  _ to be the one to find her first. 

 

He was about to drive to the next state when his phone rang and, without looking at it, he knew it was Dean. He could feel his longing.

 

Cas missed hearing his voice, “Hello, Dean.”

 

“Am I crazy, Cas? Am I just a raving, fucking lunatic because I’m not inclined to trust the British bastards?” Dean sounded almost frantic as he asked a pretty unanswerable question.

 

“You sound distressed. What happened?” He asked slowly, worried that something bad had happened while he was gone.

 

There was a soft echo when Dean scoffed into the phone, “Distressed? Bet your ass I’m distressed.  _ Apparently,  _ Mom’s been workin’ with the British Men of Letters. You remember them, right, Cas? The fuckers that tortured Sammy after banishing you and kidnapping him?” The man half-yelled out in his biting tone.

 

Cas closed his eyes for a moment and sighed deeply, “Of course I remember. But this isn’t the reason why you’re angry. I asked them for help, too, when I was desperate to find you. This is about your mother keeping this a secret from both of you, right?”

 

For a moment, he wondered if the line had disconnected. Dean was so quiet. If it wasn’t for the faint sound of his breathing, Cas might have assumed he hung up. After a beat, Dean breathed out a sad yet strangely fond, “You know it’s against boyfriend rules to call me out on my shit, right?”

 

Cas smiled fondly, “I’m very sure there is no such rule, Dean… I know you’re worried about your mother. Keeping things from you has always ended up being a bad thing.”

 

Dean let out a mirthless chuckle, “But does that make me crazy? To not wanna trust ‘em? Yeah, I’m worried about my mom, I’m always gonna worry; but all of you keep telling me to give them a second chance and it just doesn’t sit right with me.”

 

“You’re not crazy. I think that your mistrust is reasonable. But giving them a second chance doesn’t mean you have to trust them. You know what they say about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer...”

 

That time he received an actual laugh, before Dean breathed out a slightly cracked, “Fuck, I really miss you.”

 

“I miss you, too. You should try to sleep. You sound tired.”

 

Dean sighed, “Yeah, you’re probably right. I just… I’ll text you when I wake up, okay?”

 

“Okay. Good night, Dean.” 

 

Cas leaned his head back against the headrest after Dean had ended the call. When he started the car, without even thinking about it, he drove in the opposite direction he was supposed to be going. He needed to go home, even if it was just for a few hours.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

It was in the middle of the night when he arrived at the bunker and he quietly snuck through the silent hallway to Dean’s room. Carefully closing the door behind him, he folded his coat over the chair in Dean’s room. Dean was fast asleep, one arm hung out over his bed, his pillow cradled in his arms, instead of using it for his head.

 

Divested of his shoes and suit jacket, Cas moved to sit on the edge of the bed. The slight movement appeared to jostle Dean awake, who slightly jumped until his vision appeared to focus, “Cas?” He rubbed his eyes and moved to sit up, “What’re you doin’ here?”

 

“I wanted to see you,” Cas carded his fingers through Dean’s hair to straighten it, “I missed you.”

 

The sleepy smile he was rewarded with was proof enough he made the right choice, “How long do I have you?”

 

“A couple of hours. I know it’s not enough–”

 

Dean silenced him with his lips, cupping his face as he drew back, “I'll take what I can get.”

 

Cas pressed him down onto the mattress with a deep, heated kiss. It had been far too long since the last time he tasted Dean. And somehow, even though Dean was right in front of him, he missed him even more. He brushed his lips over Dean's upper lip, his voice sounded breathy, underlining the lust that was coursing through his body, "What do you need, Dean?"

 

Arching up into him, Dean breathed out, “You. I need you.”

 

Cas quickly got rid of the rest of his clothes before he helped Dean with his boxers and t-shirt. Dean was still slightly uncoordinated because he had been sleeping, a fact that Cas found incredibly endearing. He couldn't suppress a smile when Dean got caught in his shirt and fumbled for a moment to free himself before he chucked it from the bed.

 

Cas dove in for a deep, passionate kiss. Even a few seconds without kissing Dean suddenly seemed to be too long. He ran his fingers down Dean's chest, following the hard lines of his muscles before he laid his palm over the man’s rapidly beating heart. A heart that beat in sync with his own.

 

"Do you have lube somewhere?" Cas asked breathlessly.

 

Dean reached over into his bedside table, presenting Cas with a bottle of Astroglide. He wrapped his free hand around Cas's neck and yanked him into another kiss. “How do you want me?” Dean breathed against his lips.

 

"Like this," Cas licked over Dean's upper lip, before he sucked it into his mouth for a moment, "I want to see you."

 

He pushed Dean's legs apart before he quickly opened the cap and coated his fingers generously with lube. Cas warmed the liquid up with his grace, before he reached down and playfully circled Dean's hole.

 

Dean gasped when he pushed one finger inside and Cas pressed the palm of his free hand over Dean's mouth. “We have to be quiet,” he whispered, nodding towards the door. “Can you be quiet when I take my hand off you?”

 

Dean nodded against the hand, his grip on Cas’s arms tightening. Cas slowly removed his hand, rubbing his thumb over Dean’s lips before he buried his fingers in his hair. “I missed you so much,” he mumbled before he kissed Dean again, a kiss that spoke of an eagerness and desperation to fill the emptiness that had accompanied him for far too long over the past few days. He rocked his finger into Dean, the same determined pace he used his tongue to explore Dean's mouth. 

 

When he brushed his fingertip over the bundle of nerves inside of Dean, the man let out a sharp gasp. “Cas…” he whined as he slammed his eyes shut.

 

Cas quickly covered Dean's mouth with his palm again before he carefully pushed a second finger into Dean, instantly going for the spot that caused Dean to lose control. He didn't need to hold back now, Dean's moans were perfectly muffled by his hand. "I better leave my hand here," he grinned before he proceeded to thrust his fingers in and out of Dean at a quicker pace.

 

He loved seeing Dean like this. It felt like Dean trusted him to take care of him, seeing how he let go of his self-control under his ministrations, how readily he made himself vulnerable. He treasured the knowledge that Dean didn't let anyone behind his defenses, but he opened up for Cas, letting him see this side of him.

 

Dean arched against his hand and body when Cas used a third finger to open him up. He could feel Dean’s teeth against his palm, when he put a bit more pressure on his hand to stifle his moans. “Are you okay?” He asked, panting with how much his own erection was throbbing with the need to replace his fingers.

 

Adjusting his hips, Dean moved to grip Cas’s dick, lining him up, “You need to fuck me already…” When the head of his dick was pressed at Dean’s entrance by the man’s guiding hand, Cas had to repress his own groan.

 

He could see the flicker of smug amusement in Dean’s eyes before he slowly pushed inside of Dean. Cas buried his face in Dean’s shoulder, taking a few deep breaths to get used to the feeling of heat and friction that threatened to overwhelm him. He braced himself on his elbow to look at Dean before he started to rock into him at a slow pace, using his free hand to card tenderly through Dean's hair.

 

Dean met his thrusts with his hips, obviously wanting Cas to go faster, but Cas was already on the edge and didn't want this to be over too quickly. He tried to hold Dean down with his other hand, his voice was broken with gasps, "Dean... I'm already close. Give me a moment."

 

Instead, Dean bucked up, using his momentum to fuck himself on Cas’s erection, fingernails raking down Cas’s back as he cried out, “Fuck, Cas!”

 

Cas quickly pressed his hand over Dean’s mouth and looked at him with wide eyes. “Dean, be quiet!” He whispered.

 

When a knock on Dean’s door shortly followed, they both froze. “Dean? You okay?” It was Sam. Thankfully he hadn’t opened the door.

 

“Yeah, Sammy, just… uh… bad dream.” Dean called out, voice slightly cracking as he continued to fuck himself on Cas’s erection. 

 

“Do you need anything?” Sam asked again, still sounding worried. 

 

Dean looked pointedly at Cas and whispered, “I need my boyfriend to fuck me…”

 

Cas bit back his groan and buried his face in the crook of Dean’s neck. At least Sam’s presence had taken the edge off a bit, so now he could fulfill Dean’s wish to fuck him harder. “Make him go away,” he whispered against Dean’s throat, before he kissed his pulse point.

 

“Uh…” Dean moaned and clasped his own hand over his mouth. “‘M’fine, Sammy. Go back to bed…”

 

“Sure you don’t need me to come in?” 

 

As Cas started to fuck into Dean a little faster, a little harder, Dean gasped out, “Fuck off, Sammy!”

 

He heard an annoyed huff from the other side of the door and a mumbled, “Okay, okay. Jerk.” before his footsteps led away from the door.

 

Dean let out a bark of laughter and gripped Cas’s biceps, “You fucking better shut me up.”

 

Cas pressed a hard, deep kiss on Dean’s lips before he slipped his hand over Dean’s mouth again. He used his other hand to brace himself on the bed to get more leverage, now able to fuck Dean hard and fast. When the headboard made contact with the wall he stopped for a moment with an annoyed huff before he wrapped his arms around Dean to pull him up.

 

He removed his hand from Dean’s mouth to kiss him fervently, using both of his hands to hold him up when he slid from the bed and carried Dean over to the wall. He pressed Dean against it, holding him up with one hand, using the other to cover Dean’s mouth again. Dean wrapped his legs around Cas’s waist, creating a position that was perfect to fuck into him hard and fast, making it possible to get lost in Dean's beautiful green eyes.

 

It didn’t take long for him to reach the edge again, with Dean being so close and so tight and hot around his cock. It took everything to not moan out loud in pleasure. His lower lip was probably bleeding with how hard he was biting down on it to stay quiet. “Dean… I’m so close…” he whispered against his throat as he leaned forward to kiss his shoulder. “I want to make you come, but I need my hand to touch you.”

 

He leaned back to look at Dean. “Can you try to be quiet? For me?” He gasped out, trying to keep his fast rhythm of thrusting into Dean.

 

Dean nodded against Cas's hand and he carefully pulled it away. "You can use my shoulder if you want… I like it when you bite me," he admitted between quiet gasps. When Cas gripped Dean, the man sunk his teeth into the skin of his shoulder to stifle his moan.

 

It took every ounce of willpower to not come in that moment. He rubbed his thumb over the head of Dean's cock, spreading the precum over his palm before he stroke him in a hard and quick pace, matching his thrusts. He could feel Dean's body tensing, his teeth digging in deeper when Cas pushed him harder against the wall, gasping against Dean's shoulder when he felt Dean's hole clench around him. He could feel Dean coming in hot, wet streaks over his hand and stomach, pulling him right over the edge with him. Coming deep inside of Dean satisfied a deep animalistic urge in him that he didn't even know he'd possessed. An urge to claim Dean as his. He growled quietly as his orgasm slowly subsided, licking over Dean's throat and shoulder as he tried to regain his breath. 

 

Dean chuckled, a shaky exhale against the bare skin of Cas's shoulder, “Why the fuck did it take us so long?”

 

Cas smiled for a moment, shaking his head, “I have no idea.” He carried Dean back to the bed, despite his noise of protest and carefully laid him down before he kissed the tip of his nose. His fingers slid tenderly over his chest and he used his grace to clean them up.

 

Dean pulled his shirt back on, grinning at Cas after he managed to clumsily pull his head through the correct hole, “So, was this a booty call or are you gonna stay with me for a little bit?”

 

“I don’t want to go,” Cas touched the back of Dean’s neck, sliding his thumb over the skin behind Dean’s ear. “If it’s okay with you… I would love to spent the rest of the night with you. I just...” Cas bit his lip and looked down for a moment, having difficulty finding the right words, “I missed you a lot.”

 

Dean grabbed Cas by the shoulders and pulled him to lay down on the bed with him, “I missed you, too.”

 

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean to bring him closer, brushing his lips over Dean’s before he leaned his forehead against his, “I wish I could just stay. But time is running against us.”

 

“I know,” Dean sighed as he carded his hand through Cas’s hair. “Just a little while longer and you can go off on your search.”

 

“I just want you to know that I hate being away from you.” He kissed him again, noticing how Dean’s eyes were already closed and his breathing was getting deeper. “It feels like a part of me is missing,” he whispered. “So, please don’t ever think I want to leave you.”

  
Dean hummed in response, turning over as he pressed his face into the pillow. He said something unintelligible, something even his superhuman hearing couldn’t decipher. All Cas caught before Dean’s breathing evened out and sleep overtook, was a “ – you, too, Cas…”


	6. The Raid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Motherfucker! The goddamn SPN writers keep following up with shit, they’ve never done that before! It’s making our story difficult to develop in canon. LOL. But guh, I’m super impressed with the development of this season. Hands down, IMO, the best season of the series. The character development is realistic and well handled. Their acting is on point. I couldn’t be happier that out of all the seasons to be trying to create a canon compliant and complimentary fic, it was this season we did it for. 
> 
> Any here: I have to add that I’m super in love with Mick Davies and Arthur Ketch and I really hope they won’t get killed off in the next few episodes.
> 
> Frankie here: Yeah, we both low-key ship Cas with Mick and Dean with Ketch, so we’re praying to a god we don’t believe in for them to get a redemption arc. PLEASE. Also, we kind of established that the reason Dean walked back into the bunker kind of wobbly was cuz he got fucked, not cuz he was drunk (sorry Jensen for using your drunk walk/bowlegged swagger as fanfic fodder).
> 
> Also also: Can we please talk about how asinine it was for Dean to ask how Mr. Ketch knew the location of the bunker? Like, Tony Banana lady straight up fucking banished Cas from THAT BUNKER and kidnapped Sam from THAT BUNKER. Even if it wasn’t a MOL Bunker, motherfuckers had BEEN THERE BEFORE. Come on, Dean. I know you were drunk but, seriously?
> 
> And Finally: Bet you fuckers thought we were joking about having a sex scene in every episode-chapter without Cas didn’t you?

**Chapter 6: The Raid**

 

Cas smiled when he saw Dean’s name on his cell phone, calling him. Although it had only been a few days since they last saw each other, he already missed Dean a lot. It was strange how missing him felt worse now that their relationship had changed. Maybe it was because  _ now  _ he knew what he was missing.

 

“Hello, Dean,” he greeted the hunter, when he answered his call.

 

“I’m going to a bar on the corner of fifth and main, I need a drink. Think you could meet me?” He sounded tired and resigned.

 

“I could be there in thirty minutes. Is that okay?” Cas asked slowly, “You don’t sound okay.”

 

“I’m not, I will be when I see you. I’ll be at the bar…” Was all Dean said before the call was disconnected.

 

Cas felt conflicted. His heart had fluttered with Dean’s words. It was nice to know his presence was something that could make Dean feel better. He just hoped whatever was troubling Dean would soon be solved. He had an inkling this was still about Mary. 

 

He tried not to break any speed limits on his way to the bar, it was difficult. Cas hoped that they would soon have some time just for themselves. Like a vacation. They really needed one. 

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean was already two shots in by the time the door opened and Cas stepped inside. He instantly relaxed. It had been a few nights since he told Mary to leave. Since Cas snuck in, in the middle of the night and comforted him. It was fast becoming a problem how much he was coming to depend on his… boyfriend? Is that what they were? Officially?

 

When Cas caught sight of Dean, his eyes lit up and his smile was a little dopey, and just so very...  _ Cas.  _ Dean sighed in contentment.  _ Boyfriends. Yeah.  _

 

As Cas made his way up to the bar, Dean pulled a stool out for him, “Hey, handsome. You’re a sight for sore eyes.” Dean totally caught the way Cas’s cheeks heated. He tried his best not to smirk over it.

 

“Hello, Dean. It’s good to see you,” Cas mumbled, looking away with a shy smile.

 

Dean slid a beer over to him, making a point to caress Cas’s knee with his other hand as he did so, “Sorry to make you come out here, I know you’re busy… I just needed to see you.”

 

Cas smiled and covered his hand with his, "Nothing is more important to me than you, Dean. I needed to see you, too."

 

Focusing on his beer, instead of the warmth of Cas's words, he tried to just enjoy their brief time together. Letting out a deep sigh, he changed the subject, “Am I unreasonable wanting people to choose us? I mean, I’d choose all of you over strangers any day.”

 

Cas looked uncomfortable and thoughtful for a moment. "Did you ask her why she’s working with them. I mean, why does it have to be a choice?"

 

“What if I went out and started working with the Leviathan, or the angels? How would  _ you  _ feel?” Dean challenged. It wasn’t about giving people choices, it was about being a choice and not being chosen. 

 

Cas tilted his head and gave Dean a pained look, “I don’t know, that would depend on the situation. I trust you. If you were working with them, I guess it would be because you have your reasons. But I don’t understand how this relates to me? Would you stop being friends with me if  _ you  _ worked with someone else? Would you stop having feelings for me?”

 

“No, but I’d like to think I’d never work with those assclowns because of what they did to you. That’s what I mean, Cas. I’d never even  _ make  _ that choice, because I’d always choose you.” Dean let out a sigh and turned to face the bar, ruffling a hand through his hair and tapping the bar at the bartender for a whiskey refill. 

 

He could feel Cas's hand on his shoulder, sliding up to his neck, "Dean, look at me."

 

Resignedly turning his head, he complied and gave Cas an expectant look, “Yeah?”

 

"I know you would. But a situation like this isn't about choice for me. I'm flattered that you wouldn't consider working with other angels because of what happened to me, but alliances can change. Goals can change. I'm sure Mary is working with the British Men of Letters because she believes they can make this radical change in the world. She always wanted what is best for you and Sam. And she always wanted for you two to not live this life... as hunters. I think she chose  _ you,  _ by working with them."

 

_ Shit.  _ He hadn’t thought of it like that. Dean hated when Cas made sense, but he wasn’t about to go running off and calling Mary any time soon. But… Next time she texted, maybe he’d respond. 

 

Dean shook his head and chuckled, “You ever gonna be the type of boyfriend who just agrees with me?”

 

Cas smirked, “Wouldn’t that be boring?”

 

Dean shrugged, “Guess you’re right.” He looked down at his watch, knowing it had been a little long and he should probably get home, maybe talk to Sammy and apologize for what he said. When he looked up at Cas again, he couldn’t help but smile. Taking a glance around, noting that this sad little dive bar was void of patrons, other than some drunks passed out at neighboring tables, he acted on an idea.

 

With a suggestive eyebrow waggle, he nodded to the bathroom and moved to stand. Hoping the angel got the hint of his nonverbal communication.

 

**…. :::: :::: …..**

 

Cas followed Dean after a moment to the bathroom, wondering why Dean had signaled him to follow him there. The confusion about that dissipated the moment he closed the door, when Dean pushed him against it with a passionate kiss.

 

Dean then drew back, a smirk in place as he dragged Cas by his tie into the one stall, pulling him inside, before pushing him against the stall door and clicking it locked. “Hey, hot stuff. Come here often?” His eyebrow was arched and lips quirked in a half smile, half smirk. 

 

“I’ve never been here before,” Cas answered, his confusion back in place.

 

Dean’s smile was genuine, shaking his head in apparent amusement, “It’s a pick up line. I picked you up. Now we’re going to fuck in a bathroom…” he stepped in closer, slowly unbuckling Cas’s belt, before going for the button of his pants.

 

Cas gasped. He had no idea how Dean was always doing this to him, making him hard with just a few words. For a moment all he could do was helplessly watch how Dean opened Cas's pants with a finesse to be envied, how the man’s hand rubbed over his erection. It was all he needed to push him into action, reaching for Dean's jeans, "Do you have lube?"

 

Pulling out a small sample size tube, Dean grinned, “Like some kind of fucked up boy scout…”

 

Cas grabbed it from his hand and pushed Dean against the wall with one hand, bracing himself with the other on the wall right next to Dean's face. His breathing was already labored when he stared into Dean's lust blown eyes, a desire that was likely mirrored in his own.

 

Dean licked his bottom lip and quirked a brow in challenge, “Whadd’ya want, angel?”

 

Cas leaned forward, sliding his lips over Dean's earlobe, "Don't ask stupid questions."

 

He let the hand on Dean's chest slide down, opening his jeans with quick, dexterous fingers, before he pushed the offending material down, along with Dean’s underwear. 

 

For a moment he was distracted by the view of Dean's cock springing free, as he licked over his lips and opened the tube he still had in his other hand. This level of desperation was new. He needed to be inside of Dean,  _ now.  _

 

Dean shoved Cas against the stall door, crowding him with his body heat, his naked groin, and his lips. In a dizzying speed, Dean dropped to the dirty floor and swiftly pulled Cas’s pants down. Gripping his cock, circling his hand slightly, Dean sucked the head into his mouth and swirled his tongue. Cas tugged at Dean’s hair, arching forward to try and grasp more of that wet heat. 

 

As his cock sunk further into Dean’s mouth, the man’s hand stroked up to his lips to make up the shortfall. There was a semblance of danger added to their frantic need and it was causing Cas’s breath to shorten, to come out ragged. He didn’t want to come like this, he wanted to come inside Dean.

 

He pushed Dean off and pulled him up from the floor roughly. "That's enough," he breathed out raggedly before he helped him to push off his jeans completely. He crowded Dean against the wall again before he grabbed his ass and lifted him up against the wall. He held him with one hand in position and opened the tube in his hand with his teeth before he coated his fingers with its contents, reaching for Dean's ass to prepare him.

 

“Cas…” he breathed out in a moan, “I’m stretched… Just gotta coat your dick…”

 

Cas gasped, looking at Dean with wide, surprised eyes for a moment before he quickly spread the lube over his erection. "When did you do that?"

 

Dean smirked, “Right after I hung up with you…”

 

Cas gave him a quick smile before he lined himself up. Even though he felt desperate, he pushed into Dean slowly, afraid he would come just from the contact alone, the heat and tightness if he went in too fast.

 

He moaned deeply, leaning his forehead against Dean's when he was fully inside, "You… You feel so incredible."

 

That was met with a low moan, it almost sounded like a growl, “Fuck me, Cas…”

 

Cas bit his lower lip and cupped Dean's face with his free hand. He brushed his lips over Dean's open mouth before he let his hand fall to Dean's hip and started to thrust into him. 

 

He gradually built up the pace, hoping that way he could hold back his orgasm a while longer. But seeing Dean like that, completely losing himself... it suddenly hit Cas how much he had missed him and how much he not only wanted, but  _ needed  _ to be with Dean.

 

They both froze when the sound of the main door to the bathroom opened, followed by the sound of shuffled feet and a zipper being unzipped. 

 

Cas groaned in a whisper, “If that’s Sam, I’ll kill him…”

 

Dean bit back a chuckle, folding his lips against his teeth to stay quiet while the stranger finished up. When the door closed again, Dean laughed out right and after composing himself, regarded him with a sly smile, “Better fuck me fast, Cas…”

 

Cas was torn between his need and desperation to come, and wanting to prolong having sex with Dean. But hearing Dean say those words, tone making them an almost command. He kissed the smile from Dean's mouth, biting at Dean's upper lip, before he started to thrust into him again. The wall trembled with the hard and fast pace he was setting, and Cas tried to get lost in the sensation of kissing... tasting... feeling Dean – hoping they wouldn't get disturbed a second time. Because there was no way he would be able to stop.

 

He gasped when he was brought to the brink of his orgasm, “Dean…”

 

Cas reached for Dean's beautiful erection, swiping his thumb over the head before he wrapped his fingers around it and started to pump him fast and hard.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” Dean hissed as he cried out with a shudder of static electricity, causing him to splay Cas’s hand and their shirts in his come. 

 

Cas pushed against him with a deep moan when his own orgasm hit him like a tidal wave. He buried his face between Dean's shoulder and throat as he fucked Dean and himself through the waves of pleasure. 

 

His breathing and heart rate were still out of control when the pleasure began to subside slowly, a deep contentment spreading throughout his body. He carefully let go of Dean so he could stand on his own feet again, before he pulled him close for a deep kiss. Cas leaned his forehead against Dean’s and before he could stop himself, he murmured a breathless, “I love you.”

 

Dean looked like a deer caught in headlights, eyes widened, mouth agape. He shook his head and took a deep breath, casting his eyes downward, “I… uh… I kind of don’t know what to say, Cas.”

 

Cas knew that Dean wouldn’t return the words, he hadn’t even thought about the fact that Dean might feel pressured to reciprocate them. He softly touched Dean’s chin so he would look up, giving him a soft smile, “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.”

 

At that, Dean visibly relaxed, a relieved smile on his face. After Cas cleaned them up, each pulling their pants back up, redressing, Dean grasped Cas’s chin gently to tilt his head up, “You know I trust you, right?”

 

“Of course,” Cas craned his neck, wondering why Dean had brought that up.

 

His hand slid from Cas’s chin, to cup the side of his face. Dean’s eyes slowly scanned over his face, an appreciative smile tilting kiss swollen lips upwards, “ You know, the thing is, the kind of life we live… love is a fleeting and sometimes manipulated thing. So, for someone like me, trust is much more guarded. Trust is true, and strong, and once established, pretty damn unbreakable. So, even though I can’t say  _ those _ words back to you, I hope you know that telling you ‘I trust you’ is on the same level. Maybe even more so.”

 

There was a noise that sounded like a mixture between a sob and a laugh. Only then Cas realized it had come from his own lips. He didn't know what to say, feeling like his heart was bursting with happiness. So, instead of saying anything, he leaned over and kissed Dean. 

 

"I missed you so much," he mumbled against his lips before he pulled back, his hand still on the back of Dean's neck. "When this is all over, we should go on a vacation."

 

“Barbados? Greece? Italy?  _ Disneyland?”  _ Dean feigned excitement, but the smile on his face was pretty sincere. 

 

“I don’t care where. The only important part is to go there with you.”

 

Dean pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before opening the stall door and stepping out, “Alright, if you promise to stop being a cornball, we’ll do all the corny shit you want.” His tone was teasing and light, it was nice to hear that in his voice again.

 

Even if Cas had no idea why Dean compared him to a ball of corn, he knew it didn’t matter. He just gave him a smile and carded his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Good.”

 

Grabbing him by the tie, Dean pulled him into one last kiss, breathing a, “Text me when you get to your motel, you get me?” He tried to sound tough, but there was an underlying neediness to his tone.

 

“I will…” Cas gave him a long look, trying to imprint every freckle into his mind, “And if you need me, doesn’t matter for what... call me.”

 

Dean grinned, “That goes both ways, keep me posted on Kelly, okay?” he moved towards the door, they had agreed it would be best to exit the bathroom at different times, and halted as his hand grasped the handle. Dean turned back to look at Cas, “Come home soon.”

 

Cas nodded with a hint of a smile, before Dean turned around and left the bathroom. He waited for a few moments, thinking about the fact that for him, home meant being with Dean.

 

**…. :::: :::: …..**

 

Dean stumbled into the bunker, nowhere near drunk enough to warrant it, but as he recalled their moment in the stall, he kind of knew why. He called out for Sam, having decided it was best to try and talk shit out with the moose. “Sammy?” he walked up the stairs to the library and amended, “Lucy! I…”

 

That’s when he saw the note on the lamp, after grabbing it to read what it said, he mumbled a, “whatever…” and proceeded to the cart they kept the booze. Cas took away some serious drinking time, not that he was complaining. Noting the bourbon preserver was empty, he moaned, “Oh, no…” 

 

Before Dean could get really annoyed at the lack of anything decent to drink, a loud knock interrupted him. Friggin’ Sammy, probably went for a run and didn’t take his key with him. At least it was the afternoon and not some ungodly hour of the morning. Hoofing it up the stairs, he called out, “What’d, you forget your key?”

 

Dean hadn’t been expecting to see one of those limey bastards on the other side when he opened it. 

 

“Hello, mate.”

 

Narrowing his eyes, Dean asked, “How’d you find us?” he knew it was a stupid question, but he tended to ask stupid questions when he felt guarded...

 

The smarmy response Dean got in return wasn’t warming him up to the guy, “Well, this  _ is  _ a Men of Letters bunker. The location’s no secret to us. 

 

Dean nodded, “Okay. Cool. Well, good talk,” he moved to shut the door and was halted by this Ketch guy’s hand. He was a mix of annoyed and a little impressed at the balls on this guy. 

 

Stepping over the threshold, he kept talking, seriously not endearing himself to Dean, “And whilst I understand that you’re not feeling… warmly disposed to me, I wonder, what’s your disposition to this incredibly rare…” he pulled out a pretty nice container. The type of fancy container for an expensive scotch. “Unspeakably expensive, bottle of barrel proof scotch?”

 

Dean eyed the container, it would definitely hit the proverbial spot. And, fuck, after what Cas said, the least he could do was hear the guy out. For Mary… For his mom. Couldn’t hurt to try and meet them halfway. He stepped aside as invitation for Ketch to come in.

  
Either way, he was keeping the Scotch.


	7. Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, because we got a fucking hiatus, that gave Any and I the ability to be lazy and put off writing the chapter, because TECHNICALLY we told you at the latest you’d get an update before the next episode airs. Since we’ve got til the end of the month, we took our sweet ass time. This update is relatively short, because we want to remain in compliance with canon and we honestly cannot predict what direction the writers plan to take the Cas/Kelvin/Heaven storyline. So, this is primarily introspective narrative with minimal interaction, a filler chapter if you will.
> 
> Shit’s about to get heavy and fun, guys, I can fucking feel it. We’ll see how it goes. And if we’re really getting a two hour season finale, then Chuck help us all.
> 
> P.S. I’m fucking elated that my theory that Dean probably didn’t bathe regularly while living on the road was confirmed!
> 
> Any here: Haha Frankie, “lazy” is actually code for “we’re writing on a fuck ton of other fics”. I really loved the episode and I’m excited for Cas to go back to Heaven. I’m looking forward to the consequences of that storyline. And also a quick rant: So for half a season Dean doesn’t notice his friend is possessed by Lucifer, but talking on the phone with him before Cas gets back to Heaven he NOTICE SOMETHING IS UP?? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m freaking thrilled he noticed, also it’s gold for our fic, but seriously… Sometimes I wish there wouldn’t be so many different writers on the show.
> 
> Frankie here: In Lucifer’s defense, Any; Dude had Cas DOWN. May I refer you to this gif: 
> 
> Any here: Yes, he knew what he was doing. But he still made a lot of mistakes and acted weird and non-Cas.
> 
> Frankie here: Well, fuck, maybe every time he acted weird, he made out with Dean to throw him off. (I FIRMLY ACCEPT THIS AS MY HEADCANON NOW)
> 
> Any: LOLLOLLOL

**Chapter 7: Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell**

 

Dean chuckled to himself as he rifled through Sam’s ridiculous collection of hygiene products to find the fancy shampoo. While his own personal cleaning habits had never been as strict as his brother’s, Dean never let it get this bad  _ too  _ often. Basically, his hygiene was always dependent on whether or not he was trying to get laid. 

 

With Cas being, well… Fuck, he didn’t even know. Somewhere in the midwest hunting down clues to where Kelly Kline might be… So, with Cas gone and not having to troll for tail at the local bars anymore, Dean kind of let himself be as gross and lazy as he wanted.

 

The damn pipes in the bunker took forever to warm up, so while he waited for the water to get to a decent temperature, he decided to give Cas a call. See how the guy was doing. It was a little gross how much he missed him, but Dean supposed that was just the norms of a relationship. Absence making the heart grow fonder or whatever the fuck…

 

On the second ring, when Cas picked up, he greeted him with a, “Hey, sexy. What’re you wearin’?” He waggled his eyebrows, even though the angel couldn’t see him.

 

He could practically hear the hesitation and confusion before Cas said anything. The guy was probably tilting his head again, or pulling the squinty eye thing; which, even under torture, Dean wouldn't admit that he found damn sexy. "The same clothes I always wear, Dean." The ‘And-you-already-know-that-you-silly-human’ was heavily implied.

 

Dean barked out a laugh, “Note to self: angels are way too literal to have phone sex with. Anyway, how are you?”

 

A beat of silence and hesitation again. "I'm fine... Phone sex?"

 

“Yeah, I ask all sexy-like what you're wearing, you tell me something like, ‘nothing, big boy…’ and then we jerk off telling each other what we'd do to each other if we were together… Phone sex.”

 

After twelve years, Dean knew all of Cas's quirks and habits; and he could practically see the guy in front of him, fidgeting while he was processing what he just said. Cas was Dean’s own little Spock. He could hear Cas let out a deep breath before he carefully asked, "Is that something you want to do?"

 

Dean chuckled, “If I wasn’t covered head to toe in grime and gore from a kind of non-stop hunting escapade from the last week,  _ and  _ wasn’t about to go on another hunt, I most definitely would. Just wanted to see how you’re doing, let you know I missed ya’.”

 

“Oh.” Was he just imaging things, or did Cas sound kind of disappointed? "I miss you too, Dean. Very much so. You and Sam found a lot of hunts recently?"

 

“Yeah, Sammy did some sort of voodoo with computers and we’re able to find hunts a lot easier than good old fashioned research…” Thinking about his boyfriend’s seeming disappointment in not having phone sex made Dean smile, “Hey, next time we both have free time, we could definitely have phone sex. It’s been too long, man.”

 

"Yes, way too long. I miss feeling you. I hope we can see each other again soon."

 

“Me too. Keep me posted, I better hit this shower before Sam disowns me for how I smell…” he chuckled. 

 

"If you have time... maybe after the shower you could call me again?" Cas asked hesitantly.

 

Dean sighed, he really wished he did have the time, but with another case coming up after their freakin’ dry spell? He couldn’t pass it up and he didn’t want to rush enjoying every damn moment of hearing Cas whisper filthy fucking things into the phone, “Not after the shower but… maybe after this case? I’ll call you when we know what’s goin’ on?”

 

"Okay," Cas sighed deeply, "I should go anyway. I think I got a lead on Kelly Kline. I hope that this situation is resolved soon. For purely selfish reasons."

 

Smiling into the phone, Dean let out a soft, “Me too.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

He missed Heaven. More than he wanted to admit to himself. He tried to not think about it, but getting confronted like that by Kelvin; those tempting words to come and go as he pleased, not having to chose between the worlds… it was all he ever wished for.

 

But Dean wouldn’t understand if he went back to Heaven. He would probably think he was leaving him and try to talk him out of it. He could practically hear the lecture, about the fact that he couldn’t trust the angels and that it was a stupid idea to go back and hear Joshua out.

 

Maybe it  _ was  _ a stupid idea, but Cas couldn’t afford to  _ not  _ try it. The ugly truth was that Dean wouldn’t live forever. And when he died, his soul would go to Heaven and he would be lost to Cas.

 

Just thinking about it hurt. He had to do everything he could to be on Heaven’s good side again. Not only because he missed his family, his brothers… but especially because he would go mad with loss if he completely lost Dean. 

 

Somehow their whole situation reminded him of that Disney movie about the singing mermaid he had watched on Netflix. Apart from the fact that the movie depicted a mermaid totally incorrectly, since they were actually nasty creatures who ate humans alive when they fell into the sea, he could still identify with the protagonist. 

 

It was always about choice. Heaven or them. Love or your family. And he wanted both. He was sick of choosing all the time. So when Kelvin had offered a chance for him to possibly come and go as he pleased, how could he have not jumped at the chance?

 

He needed to feel like an angel again. To be a part of something bigger, working for a united goal. A feeling he especially missed every time he took some time to watch the bees at work. He loved them because they reminded him of his life before he fell to Earth. Everyone had a task, everyone worked together, everything was simpler.  

 

For years now he had been blocking out the other angels’ voices. They always left him with a headache here on Earth the few times he did listen, or had to because they became too intense to block out. He longed for the time when, back in Heaven, hearing those voices – soothing then, made him feel like he belonged to something.

 

Being a part of the Winchester family wasn’t the same as being a part of Heaven. It wasn’t something he could explain to Dean, because most of the time Dean treated him like a human. But this was one of the few biggest differences between their species. Angels didn’t live like humans, alone with individual wishes and desires. Selfish wishes, emotions, free will – those were all humans things Cas had grown accustomed to in his time on Earth, but he couldn’t even begin to describe how far away this was from what he was used to.

 

When Metatron had removed his grace, there was one thing that Cas had learned. Even if you were surrounded by other humans, you still could feel alone. Back in Heaven, Cas had never felt this way. Now on Earth, he felt lonely all of the time, except for the rare moments he had with Dean. When they had been intimate, it felt like he had a connection again. A connection he had been missing since he was cast out.

 

He had to try to make this work again, hoping that Kelvin’s words were true and Joshua would accept him back.

 

When they parked at the playground, Cas pulled out his cell phone to update Dean on his findings, but above all, he called to hear his voice again. He didn’t know when he would get another chance to talk to him, or even see him. He might be heading into a trap, ending up in a cell in Heaven.

 

He could hear that Dean had put him on speaker, so he didn’t use any overly affectionate words. Even if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have. Cas had a feeling if he told Dean how much he missed him, he probably wouldn’t have the strength to go with Kelvin.

 

He made their conversation brief, trying to get the information across so, if he didn't come back, Dean and Sam would at least know where to pick up the search for Kelly.

 

Cas ended the call without saying goodbye, even though it felt like one.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean stared down at the phone for a moment. While he knew that Cas wouldn’t be overly or outwardly affectionate with the phone on speaker, he still sounded way too clinical for Dean’s liking. Almost like the old, robotic, angel mind-control Cas. Dean didn’t like it. He looked at his brother, “He sound weird to you?”

 

At the persistent vibrations of Sam’s cellphone, he turned away from Dean. 

 

While still looking down at his cell phone, debating whether or not to text Cas and ask if he was okay, he asked, “Mm, is that your computer talking to you again?”

 

He was in no way prepared for Sam’s response, “Uh… No. Um… It’s, uh… Mick Davies.”

 

Successfully distracted from his Cas dilemma, Dean turned to look up at Sam. “What?”

 

“Dean… I don’t have a computer program feeding me cases. I –I, uh… Gwen? Every job we’ve worked in the last two weeks?” He took a deep breath before continuing, “They’ve all come from the British Men of Letters.”  Sam sure didn’t beat around the bush, he had to give him that. 

 

His concern for his boyfriend was going to have to take a backseat for a second. First their mom. Now Sam. Next thing he was going to find out Cas had been working with the damn Brits, too. Dean licked his lip and tossed his phone onto the table before turning to address Sam, “Really?”

 

The kid had the gall to look ashamed, “Yeah. I didn’t tell you ‘cause I know how much you hate them.”

 

“No,  _ we  _ hate them. Us. Together.” Dean regarded Sam for a moment, trying to figure out why the hell his whole damn family was so ready to work with these assclowns. No. Not with.  _ For. _

 

“I–I get that. Yeah, I do. But–but…” Sam sighed, “Dean, because of Mick and his guys, the Alpha vampire is dead. They get results. I don’t like them either, but–but if–if we can save people, then it…”

 

Dean nodded at his brother. He didn’t like it, would probably never like it, but he got where Sammy was coming from. As much as he hated them, they got results with minimal collateral damage.

 

Sam sighed before he continued, “Either way, I–I shouldn’t have lied to you. And… I’m sorry, man. I–I…” His kid brother couldn’t even finish his sentence before turning away. Dean knew he could be a dick about shit sometimes, but he almost had to wonder if Sammy thought he’d kick him out like he did with their mom.

 

While that wasn’t even close to what he planned to do, he still took a moment to let Sam stew in his juices before he finally responded, “Well, okay.”

 

That got him a pretty confused look in response, “Okay?”

 

Dean sighed, “What do you want me to say? Do I like it? No. Do I trust them? Hell, no. But you’re right. We work with people we don’t trust all the time. I mean, hell, I just Liam Neeson’d it up with Crowley. So, if you wanna give this a shot, then…” He couldn’t stop himself from scoffing at the entire situation. It was pretty hypocritical to give Sam or his mom shit for working with the bastards, considering he just spent the last case chumming it up with Crowley. “Fine. But the minute–and I mean the  _ second– _ something feels off, we bail.” 

 

Sam nodded and confirmed, “Yeah, of course. Deal.”

 

As his brother took the call from Mick, Dean refocused his attention on his cell phone. It tended to be his MO to call Cas every time he was feeling emotionally vulnerable and Dean couldn’t bring himself to do it this time. Not with how weird the guy sounded. 

 

Instead, he shot off a text:

 

_ Just checking in, making sure everything’s okay. _

 

The lack of immediate response was, by no means, freaking Dean out or anything. Dean sighed. Cas’s world didn’t revolve around him, no matter how much he would like it to. Dude was busy and Dean needed to get over this clingy bullshit. Dean pocketed his phone and tried to focus on whatever it was Sam was saying to Mick.

  
Well, it looked like they were officially working for the British Men of Letters. And his boyfriend was too busy to answer his texts.  _ Great.  _


	8. Ladies Drink Free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: Any is a fucking psychic and predicted Dean’s excitement over using the BMOL funds for going overboard. It was actually pretty hilarious, cuz in one of the other fics we’re working on she totes had Dean do that. LOL.
> 
> Anyway. So, the next few chapters are probably going to be shorter, more on the filler side. We’re electing to not speculate on what’s happening with Cas since nothing is being given away to us. I think it’s a trap, but since we’re trying to keep this in line with canon, we decided it would be best to make the next few chapters Dean-centric and particularly the impact of a lack of communication with Cas.
> 
> Any here: Have I mentioned how much I freaking love Mick? I hope he gets a redemption ark, I want to keep Frodo/Harry Potter. Also Dean couldn’t contain his inner Dad in this episode was just hilarious <3\. I’m still super worried about Cas T_T and of course pretty pissed at the writers that he wasn’t even mentioned although this episode was about Claire! Well this fic is here for a reason... *fix it*
> 
> P.S. Frankie here: Mick and Sam need to be best friends FOREVER. ahem.

**Chapter 8: Ladies Drink Free**

 

Dean could actually feel his heart breaking as he helplessly watched Claire thrash and groan in apparent agony from the supposed cure Harry Potter had conjured. He felt sick. This wasn’t happening. He wasn’t sitting there watching this kid… This fucking _kid_ as she was dying. That’s when it struck. Claire was _dying._

 

Claire, who’s life they’d inadvertently fucked up on numerous occasions and yet she still found it in her to not only forgive them, but accept them as a part of her life. Her family. Claire, the only person alive who could hold her own against Dean in the attitude department.

 

He didn’t want her to die. Not now. Not before him. And definitely not like this. Dean couldn’t take it any more and breathed out a shaky, “Gonna get some air.” If he stayed any longer he was going to lose it, and Dean would be damned if that happened in front of the British dick.

 

Without even thinking about it, he pulled his cell out and called Cas. The guy needed to know what was happening. He had a right to know.

 

As usual the goddamn thing went straight to voicemail. If he wasn’t so freaked out about the fact that the guy’s kid was about to die, he’d be pissed. Cas had all but disappeared and while that wasn’t a new thing with him, it hadn’t happened since the shift in their relationship.

 

_This is my voicemail. Make your voice… a mail._

 

“You need to call me back ASAP, Cas. I don’t give a fuck what your…”

 

At that point he heard Sam’s almost broken call for him. He instantly disconnected the call and came back into the room.

 

Dean was frozen as his eyes followed his brother’s line of sight.

 

Claire was dead. This amazing, strong, pretty damn funny kid was dead. If Dean had ever come close to having a daughter, it was her. And now she was dead. It felt like time had stilled. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair. She was just a kid. She had her whole fucking life ahead of her and because of these monstrous bastards, it was cut short.

 

Just as Dean was preparing to contemplate different ways to make Mick pay for this, for his grief, Claire started reverting back to human form. Dean held his breath as her chest gently rose and she slowly opened her eyes.

 

“You guys look like crap.”

 

Sam and Mick let out simultaneous exhales in relief, because apparently their dorky ass friendship meant they were in sync.

 

Dean was relieved, too. Hell, he was fucking elated. In that moment everything came crashing down on him. What losing Claire would have meant, how this would have impacted his life. Claire wasn't just Jody's and Alex's family. She was theirs, too.

 

He couldn't remember when, exactly, the blonde girl had wormed her way into his heart, when he started to feel responsible for her. He didn’t know exactly when he had started to see her as one of his own. Dean was protective of her, not in a way he had any right to, but he couldn't help himself.

 

There was something about her strength, her independence that he respected. Maybe it was because he saw a lot of himself in her, maybe that’s what made her so important. When Cas started to have Claire in his life again, when he was trying to help her and started to feel responsible for her, he had inadvertently dragged Claire into the Winchester's family circle.

 

And even though, on some level, he wished she wanted a normal life, one that wouldn't put her in situations like nearly dying, he couldn't help but feel proud of her choosing this life. He respected her choice, she wasn't just their family, she was also a fellow hunter. A green one, but still. She had the strength and she would make it. He had to believe that. Dean knew that he was going to have her back, no matter what.

 

When the adrenaline slowly started to subside, his thoughts drifted back to Cas. If Claire _had_ died... the fact that he would have had to be the one to tell Cas what happened...

 

Where the fuck was he? Damn. He needed a drink.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

“Huh. Did you know that Henry Boguet was a Man of Letters and wrote a lengthy chapter about werewolves in 1602? This book is amazing," Sam murmured more to himself than to Dean as he thumbed through the pages of one of Harry Potter’s books.

 

Dean let out an annoyed groan, “Is it too late to revoke my permission to work with these assclowns?”

 

Sam looked up, giving him an equally annoyed look when he put the book back down on the table. He folded his hands over it, a contemplative expression on his face, “I think Mick is a good guy. He has a lot to learn and he definitely has to rethink his view on the world, but if we’re honest here, so did we once. We started out like them and he just isn’t there yet. But I believe he has the potential to get there.”

 

He knew Sammy had a point, but there was still something about their whole deal that was rubbing Dean the wrong way. And no matter how fixed they had been on their ‘kill first ask questions later’ deal when they first started out, it was never the same rule when it came to kids. Dude still killed a child without even trying to work out other solutions. And he kept it from them because he _knew_ they wouldn’t be okay with killing a kid.

 

Dean grabbed a beer from the fridge and slumped down at the counter next to his brother. “You’re just saying that cuz you’ve got a serious dude-crush on the guy…”

 

Sam sighed deeply, “I hate you so much right now.”

 

“Didn’t deny it…” he teased as he took a swig of his beer.

 

“I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer… other than: you’re just pissed because I found someone who likes historical podcasts just as much as I do.”

 

“Dude, I’m fucking elated you found someone to listen to podcasts with and braid your hair. Means I don’t have to put up with that shit anymore…” Dean winked at his brother. He missed this. He missed being able to just give his baby brother shit and not have to worry about a goddamn apocalypse for once.

 

Sam gave him a shit eating grin as he pointed out, “And that’s where you’re wrong. If Mick tags along with us, the long drives finally become informative and educational.”

 

Dean shook his head adamantly, “Hell no. If you want to hunt with your boyfriend so bad, you two can go solo. I’ll stay here and knit or some shit…”

 

“You knit?” Sam asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“What? Guys can’t knit?” Dean defended. Not that he actually did. He could probably kill a guy fifty different ways with a pair of knitting needles, but actually knit something? Like a goddamn scarf? Not even a little bit. But the thing was, he could learn if he _wanted_ to.

 

"Guys probably can, but you? You would poke your eye out or get tangled up in the yarn." Sam had a far away look on his face, probably imagining how that would look.

 

Dean shrugged, “Fair enough…”

 

“Actually, now I really want to see that. You should learn to knit.”

 

“Hah, hah,” Dean responded dryly, rolling his eyes at his brother. This was _exactly_ what he needed. A distraction from all of the shit that went down. Almost losing Claire. The fact that Cas still hadn’t returned his calls. It wasn’t like he could talk to anyone about his stupid internal freak outs. He polished off his beer in a few more gulps and got up to grab another. “You want another? Or are you busy sending heart-eye emojis to your boyfriend?”

 

“What about _your_ boyfriend? Have you heard anything from Cas? I tried to call him, but I just keep getting his voicemail.”

 

Dean let out a sigh. So much for the distraction. “No. Nothing. I’m pretty fucking worried, man. I mean, I know the guy has a habit of disappearing sometimes, but...” he refrained from continuing. It wasn’t like he could confirm that Sam’s attempt at a joke was even remotely close to the truth.

 

Sam rubbed over his chin, "We’ll give it a few days. He probably has a good reason for not calling."

 

If they were still talking about an angel of the lord who had no concept of societal expectations, that might have been a comforting enough answer. But considering they were talking about his goddamn boyfriend now, it was like Dean’s brain functioned differently. “Yeah, you're probably right…”

 

Sam gave him a long, questioning look, “Are you alright?”

 

He wasn't, but he couldn't tell Sammy that without him asking more and more questions. Dean waved him off, “Just worried. I think after that close call with Claire I'm just kind of paranoid…”

 

"He's alright, Dean. I'm sure of it. It’s not the first time he’s gone off our radar for awhile and forgets to call... or charge his phone for that matter."

 

That was true. But Cas also hadn’t been in a relationship before. Dean ruffled his hand through his hair in aggravation.

 

He could feel Sam’s hand on his arm, “Don’t worry. I’m sure he’s alright. It’s Cas.”

 

“I know it’s just…” Dean stopped himself from saying anything else. There was a point to keeping everything quiet. Even from his brother.

 

“It’s just what?” Sam asked with obvious concern in his voice.

 

Dean sighed. He felt bad for hiding this from Sam, but he just couldn’t take the risk of anyone finding out… Tapping his fingers against his beer, he changed the subject, “You ever wonder what would happen if you met another hunter and started… I don’t know… Trying to have a normal life on top of what we do?”

 

Sam raised his eyebrows in surprise, “Um, yeah sure. Odd topic change though. Have you met someone that I don’t know of?”

 

“No…” It wasn’t technically a lie. Sam _did_ know of Cas. “I was just thinking… If the Brits succeed. If we’re able to wipe out all of the monsters… We could try to have normal lives.”

 

Sam leaned back against his chair and gave him a long look, “I think I’d like that. Is that something you could see yourself having? A normal life, without hunting?”

 

“If they do succeed, I might not get a choice…” _Damn._ Dean hadn’t really thought about that. And honestly, the odds were: not only would that not come down the pipe for a hot minute, but the likelihood of him surviving to see it? But if he did… If he and Cas both did… Dean couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

 

Sam grinned at him, “I guess that smile answers my question.” He grabbed his beer and saluted Dean with it, “To reaching the finish line.”

  
Dean nodded and tapped his bottle against Sam’s, “To reaching the finish line.”


	9. The British Invasion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: So, we were both pretty fucked up over this episode. As all of you are aware, Any and I genuinely loved Mick’s character from the gate, and what happened was not only heartbreaking, but unecessary. Like the deaths of all of our favorite characters. So, because Any wants to take this week off in silent memoriam of the character of Mick; this week’s fix-it is brought to you by Frankie. It’s not like Cas is in it or anything. UGH.
> 
> On a less hateful note: Samleen is life and I swear to fucking Chuck, if they kill Eileen, I will rage quit the fucking show. No joke. I’m kind of over how often they kill these amazing and awesome side characters. Like I’d rather they start killing Sam and Dean again at this point. UGH. Anyway, I saw this shitty bibro hate on Samleen because supposedly Destiel shippers root for Samleen because then “Sam would be out of the way for Dean and Cas”. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? 
> 
> I’m only gonna say this once. I ship Destiel. I love Sam. I want all of TFW to have a happy ending. I don’t want the show to turn into the Dean & Cas show. I LOVE SAM. Let me reiterate, I am a Destiel shipper and I LOVE SAM. I am not the only one. I want them to have happy endings. ALL of them. Because after 12 seasons of bullshit, I’m kind of over the angst. And that’s coming from ME. The angst whore who tries to convince Any to let me kill one of the characters in every fic we write (usually Dean).
> 
> Fuck the hate, fuck the pissing contests, fuck the fighting. We are supposed to be a goddamn community, so please, for the love of Chuck, can we start acting like one?
> 
> Seacrest out.

**Chapter: 9 The British Invasion**

 

Dean felt like he was going crazy. Neither him nor Sam had heard from Cas. So much shit had gone down and now Eileen had driven to Kansas to give them a lowdown on what she’d found on Dagon. Cas disappearing was not new. But since they’d turned the amp up on their relationship, Dean found himself constantly somewhere between pissed at the lack of response and worried out of his goddamn mind.

Pissed because, if Cas had gotten cold feet about everything between them, the fact that the bastard couldn’t angel up and tell him, even through a goddamn text… Dean deserved better than that. He wasn’t the best boyfriend in the world, but damnit, he deserved better than just being straight ghosted.

And worried because, it was pretty uncharacteristic of Cas as of late. He didn’t want to think about it, but the fact that Cas hadn’t checked in at all, not even with a lead on Kelly... Dean knew, even though he didn’t want to face it, he _knew_ that something had happened. And whatever that something was, it wasn’t an all expense paid trip to the goddamn Bahamas.

Dean sighed and, for the first time that day, started his practice of calling Cas a few times. After a few rings, he tried to not get annoyed at the echoing of Cas’s once endearing, now torturous, voicemail greeting.

“Cas… You better be fucking hurt, because at this point, if you’re fine and you’ve been ignoring my calls and texts… What’s going on, man? We haven’t heard from you, not even after everything with Claire. Are you done with me? Is that what’s happening and you’re too chickenshit to tell me to my face? I’m a big boy, Cas. If you want to break up with me, then just call me and fucking do it. You know what? I’ll make shit easier on you, because seriously, if you’re fine and just ignoring me, then consider us fucking done, alright?”

Dean hated that he was arguing with a voicemail. It was incredibly unsatisfying and pretty damn stupid. With a deep sigh, he finished with a clipped, “We’ve got a lead on Kelly Kline and it’s weird you’re not even in the loop on this. Call me back.”

He stared at his phone, as though willing Cas to call him back immediately. Dean sighed, he couldn’t make that be the last voicemail he left his boyfriend, no matter how pissed he was. A half-assed, break up voicemail that sounded more wishy-washy than anything else.

As though on autopilot, Dean redialed Cas’s number and tapped his fingers impatiently against his nightstand as he waited for the voicemail greeting to end. “Look, I’m sorry, alright? I don’t want to break up with you, especially in a voicemail just because I’m angry. I’m just… I’m worried. I need you to call me back. I need you to come back to me… I… Just call me back, Cas.”

Sitting around in his room staring at the phone in his hand wasn’t getting him anywhere. With a resigned sigh, Dean got up and ventured out to the library. When he noticed Sam and Eileen deep in conversation, he couldn’t help but smile at them. She was a great girl and Sam was pretty damn adorable around her.

He pulled his phone out again. Still no texts or call backs from Cas. _Fuck it._ He dialed one more time letting out a sigh at the familiar,

_“This is my voice mail. Make your voice… a mail.”_

“Come on, Cas. I’ve called you three times now.” Three times and he was feeling more and more like a crazy girlfriend. Dean let out another sigh and continued with a resigned, “Will you call me back? We’ve got a line on Dagon. We need your help.”

Dean stared down at his phone for a moment, debating on whether or not to text Cas. He felt more and more pathetic every time he called or texted and received no response. Pocketing his phone, he made a conscious decision to stop letting all of his thoughts and worries drift to Cas. They had bigger fish to fry and now was not the time for worrying about shit he didn’t have any control over.

As he approached, Sam was getting the rundown from Eileen on what she had found out. Well, on the bright side, he hadn’t seen Sammy so happy in a pretty long time.

**…. :::: :::: ….**

Dean had had a pretty shitty night’s sleep. Between the showdown with Dagon going so badly and yet another day having gone by with no word from Cas, his dreams had been flashes of death, and blood, and gore, and whatever else nightmare-ish crap that could happen in dream world.

After getting a cup of coffee, he stumbled into the library, where Sam was already hunched over his laptop. Dean cleared his throat and greeted him, “Mornin’.”

Sam gave him a barely there nod as he responded with his own gravelly, “Mornin’.” As Dean moved to lean up against one of the tables, Sam turned to face him, “Hey, you, uh… you hear anything from Cas yet?”

Dean rubbed at the ache in his neck from having tossed and turned all night. It was too damn early to be faced with the fact that his boyfriend was missing and unresponsive. “Mm. No. Still MIA.”

When Sammy gave him that damned puppy eyed look, Dean was barely able to keep his face straight. How the hell was he supposed to act as _only_ a concerned friend and _not_ a concerned boyfriend?

“You think he’s alright?” his brother’s tone made him feel a little bit better about how worried he was.

He fixed Sammy with what he hoped was an emotionless expression, but the crinkle of his brother’s furrowed brow indicated Dean had failed miserably. With a deep inhale, he tried not to wince at the way his voice slightly cracked with his painfully honest, “I don’t know.” Dean shook his head, both at the situation and the sadness he was feeling about it. He needed a change of subject. Looking around, he asked, “Where’s Eileen?”

Sam shrugged noncommittally, “She took off. Uh, said she’s heading back to Ireland for a while. Just needs some time, I guess.”

“Mm. Yeah, I get that,” he murmured over his mug of joe.

Sam waved at Dean to get his attention and handed him something wrapped in cloth. Dean chuckled, knowing instantly what it was. Dean smiled and pulled the colt from the cloth, it somehow felt right.

Cocking her, he grinned and murmured, “Welcome back, sweetheart.”

_Fuck._ The Cas problem was… well, _definitely_ a problem. But a problem he couldn’t do much about. For once, though, the Winchesters were getting some serious wins. They got the colt back. Their mom was back. Sammy had a thing with a pretty damn awesome hunter, now if only the kid would man up and take her out to dinner. And, at least they had Mick showing them more and more that the Brits might not be terrible allies.

  
Yeah, things were starting to look up for them.


	10. The Memory Remains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: We finally did the damn fix it. We kind of got distracted by the fics we’re working on for a couple of Big Bangs we’re participating in. Not to mention other fics because we are nerds and write anywhere from two to five fics at the same time. LOL.
> 
> Okay, Cas still missing and Dean’s gross creepy flirting aside, I actually did enjoy this episode. Hopefully we justified the flirting believably to remain in canon. Cuz, I promise you, the second the scene happened, all I kept thinking was: FUCK, how are we gonna explain this? And then his behavior got weirder and weirder and poof! It kind of explained itself, honestly. *cough* over compensating *cough*
> 
> And I might be crazy, jury’s still out on that, but I'm seeing a pattern. The episodes after an episode Dean “hooks up” with some random waitress, are pretty Destiel heavy. So I'm looking forward to Misha’s 100th episode!
> 
> Any here: I’m back from wearing black (no, not really, I always wear black and I’m still heartbroken about Mick) and super anxious about Cas’s comeback next week. And I seriously hope we get a good explanation for his disappearing other than “he was busy”. I swear if he just says he was busy in Heaven I start throwing things, or learn dark magic or whatever. Also I’m super afraid about what will happen to Cas in the finale… At this point I just hope that something good will happen to him, because seriously, I’m sick that the writers keep bashing this character over and over and it don’t seem to stop. Guh. I should stop ranting. Enjoy Frankie’s brilliant idea to fix this episode.

**Chapter 10: The Memory Remains**

 

_This is my voice mail. Make your voice… a mail._

 

Dean was making his way through the bunker, frustrated that Cas was not calling him back or picking up. It wasn’t anger related frustration, it was fear now. Something was wrong with Cas. He just knew it. Something happened and it was killing Dean that he didn’t know.

 

“Come on…” he mumbled before the voice mail beeped. “Cas, it’s me. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days. I don’t know what’s going on, but we got a line on Dagon…” Dean sighed before he continued, trying to keep his voicemails entirely platonic at that point, just in case whoever had Cas was listening to them.

 

“And we got our asses handed to us,” he continued as he stepped into the war room, Sammy already sat down in front of his laptop, “even with the Colt. So… could really use the backup.” It was getting more and more difficult to keep his voice sounding uncaring and neutral. Dean sighed again and muttered a resigned, “Just call me back.”

 

Sam looked up at him, his expression concerned as he asked, “So no luck with Cas, huh?”

 

Dean couldn’t look at Sammy. He was constantly on the verge of losing his shit. As he moved to sit down across from his brother, he muttered a hopefully neutral sounding, “Yeah, still AWOL.”

 

“Alright, so let’s find him…”

 

Like he hadn’t already being doing everything he could to locate his boyfriend. Dean raised his hands in frustration and fixed his brother with an incredulous look. “I’ve been trying, Sam. The GPS on his phone is turned off, and there’s nothing in the system about some weird guy in a trench coat getting arrested...” He sighed again, moving to grab one of the guns kept under the table. He needed the distraction. “Or turning up dead.” He counted it as a win that he was able to say the last part without his voice cracking.

 

“Right. Dean, it’s Cas. I mean, this isn’t the first time…”

 

Dean was half-listening to Sam as he said everything he already knew, but didn’t make him feel better. He grabbed a rag and started cleaning the gun. This was what helped more than stupid words.

 

“He’s dropped off the map, you know? And whatever’s happening, he’ll be fine. He always is.”

 

Still not looking at Sam he mumbled a soft, “Yeah…” before he changed the subject, “What ‘bout you? You got anything there, Reading Rainbow?”

 

“I stayed up all night, going through every book we have on demons, and it turns out we have a lot of books on demons.”

 

“Anything on Dagon?” He asked, still refusing to look up. He didn’t want to see that sympathetic look on his brother’s face.

 

“Mentions here and there, but nothing we can use. I guess the, uh, Princes of Hell are pretty good at staying off the radar,” Sam added, tone a little frustrated.

 

Dean briefly looked up, “Well, yeah, isn’t that kind of their thing?”

 

When the laptop chimed, Sammy was instantly distracted, “Hmm. Just got an email from Mick. It’s a case.”

 

“Good.” That was exactly what he needed. He needed a real distraction. The gun cleaning would only help for a few hours if he decided to go through and clean every single gun in the bunker.

 

“Looks like a guy named Jarrod Hayes disappeared in Tomahawk, Wisconsin, a week ago.”

 

That got Dean’s attention. Disappearances could be anything, which meant they’d probably be on the case for a few days at least.

 

Sam continued, “No witnesses. No body. But Mick says this place has a history.”

 

Returning his attention to the gun, he asked, “Meaning?”

 

“Well, it means a lot of people go missing in Tomahawk, one a year every year from from 1898 to 1997 and then nothing until now.”

 

“So, twenty years?” Dean asked.

 

“Yeah. So maybe they’re starting up again? Maybe it’s a cycle of some sort?” Sam suggested.

 

Dean shrugged, “Well… one way to find out...” He pointed the gun at nothing, “Pew.”

 

Sam folded his hands on the table and gave Dean a long look. Dean knew that look, it meant his brother was trying to look through him again, analyzing his behavior and would try to talk to him. He attempted to ignore him, but Sam cleared his throat. _Here it comes._

 

“Dean, what’s going on with you?”

 

“Nothin’...” He put the gun back in its place under the table and looked around, trying to distract himself with more guns to clean. If his baby brother was going to try to force him into a heart to heart, he wasn’t about to participate willingly.

 

Sam raised an eyebrow, “Yeah, sure. That’s why you’re obsessively cleaning at the moment. Because it’s nothing. Is it Cas or Mom you’re worried about?”

 

Weirdly, he wasn’t worried about Mom. She had saved their asses a few times now, he knew she could take care of herself. And unlike Cas, she actually kept in touch with them. Dean sighed and bit out a terse, “I’m fine.”

 

“Cas then,” Sam summarized and leaned back in his chair. “I’m worried, too. I mean, he’s dropped off the radar a few times but–”

 

“Yeah! I get it, Sammy! Cas disappears regularly, doesn’t need to be repeated over and over!” _Fuck._ Dean shouldn’t have yelled. Now Sam was going to incessantly pester him, forcing him into some sort of chick flick moment.

 

“Did something happen between the two of you before he went missing?” Sam asked calmly, not fazed in the slightest by Dean’s outburst, “Did the two of you have a fight?”

 

Dean clenched his fists and took a deep breath, counting to ten in his head, before he bit out a simple, “No.” He really needed to find another gun to clean.

 

Sam squinted his eyes thoughtfully, “So he just vanished when you thought everything was good between the two of you… Which makes his disappearance even more worrisome because it could only mean he’s in danger?”

 

“You really need to stop being Dr. Phil. Drop it. Now.” Dean warned. He was so done with this conversation.

 

Sam pointed at him, “And you know what else I’ve noticed? You haven’t flirted with random girls in ages. Something’s up with you. I just know it.”

 

The hair on the back of his neck rose, like he’d just been doused with a bucket of ice water. He just knew at some point being in a secret relationship with Cas wasn’t going to stay secret if he wasn’t careful. Not acting like his normal self around his brother was stupid. Stupid and careless. Thank fuck Dad taught them to be excellent liars. “I… I just haven’t seen any chicks I’m interested in lately. Besides, we’ve been a little busy, don’t you think?”

 

Sam still looked suspicious, “That hasn’t held you back in the past.”

 

“Yeah, well… I’m also not as young as I used to be… Sometimes I get tired…” If Garth was there with Mr. Fizzles in that moment, that stupid ass puppet would be calling him out on that bullshit. But hopefully his dismissive tone would be enough for Sam to know to drop it.

 

Sam still didn’t look convinced, far from it, but he stood up from the table with a quirked eyebrow, “Sure, Dean… If you wanna talk and stop being a dick about it, you know where to find me.”

 

Dean nodded and got up as well, “Got it. Meet you back here in ten before we hit the road?”

 

At his brother’s nod, Dean headed straight to his room, repeating the word ‘fuck’ in his head in a silent mantra. He was letting his feelings for Cas get in the way of playing it cool. Sam wasn’t stupid, he probably already had his suspicions. He was gonna need to amp up his game.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

When Dean caught sight of the pretty waitress in the little greasy spoon, he instantly knew how to get his brother off of his ass about his “weird behavior” as of late. Flirting wasn’t cheating, and at this point, with Cas being MIA, it was almost laughable that he was still concerned about that at all. But the most fucked up part was, he _was_ concerned. Even if Cas was dead, Dean knew he couldn’t hook up with some rando, his heart just wasn’t in it.

 

Sammy was going on about a local urban legend, rambling about a pirate or something… Dean was too busy trying to get the waitress’s attention. He was making it a point to be overly friendly, using one of his more charming smiles when they made eye contact.

 

She approached him, rewarding him with her own flirty smile. “Warm it up?”

 

Dean grinned and held up his coffee cup for her, ignoring Sam’s history lesson, “Thank you.”

 

He only half-caught what Sam was saying. Something about when the legend started. Dean proceeded to track the movement of the waitress, making it a point to mouth a ‘wow’ at her retreating form. He could see Sam was getting more and more frustrated at his lack of attention. _Good._ Maybe that’ll teach him to try to Dr. Phil him in the future.

 

“Dude, focus.” Sam had apparently gotten fed up.

 

Dean made it a point to still watch the waitress as he responded with a casual, “I _am_ focused. Yeah, Black Bill. What do you got?”

 

Sam sighed and continued, even though he probably knew it was pointless. Dean was in flirtation mode. “Alright, well, he lives in the woods, so he’s like a local Jersey Devil. And apparently he has the head of a goat.”

 

That got Dean’s attention and he looked at his brother, “A goat? Like, baa-aa. Goat?”

 

Sam nodded, “Yeah, a goat.”

 

Dean returned his attention to the waitress, who was now back behind the counter, “Well, maybe that’s what Daryn saw.”

 

“Unless you think he was lying.”

 

“Mm, nah, I think he’s a little too freaked out to be lying.” Dean turned to look at Sam, “So we got a, uh, goat dude with a name like a pirate, which is a little insane, even for us. And that bar is…” he whistled and pointed up, “super high. So if it is real, what the hell is it?”

 

Sam sounded about as sure as he felt, “I’m not sure. I mean, there’s tons of human-animal hybrid lore dating all the way back to ancient Egypt...”

 

Before his brother attempted to bore him with another history lesson, Dean interrupted him, “Right, well, why don’t you figure out what the hell it is, and I’ll figure out a way to kill it. Okay?”

 

Sam shrugged, but agreed, “Alright.”

 

When the waitress gave him a sort of come-hither look, Dean grinned and shot his brother a casual, “Right. Don’t wait up.”

 

“What?”

 

“I already figured out a way to kill it.”

 

Sam was clearly annoyed. Well, served him right. “How did you–you don’t even know what _it_ is.”

 

Dean patted his side where the colt was and smirked, “The Colt. Dusts anything.” As Sam scoffed in amazement at him, Dean pointed to his head, “Work smarter, Sammy, not harder.”

 

He grabbed his coffee mug and approached the counter, taking a seat in front of where the waitress was standing. When she looked at him, he smiled, “Boy, this coffee is _hot._ Kind of like…” When he pointed at her and clicked his tongue, she giggled. Hook, line, and sinker. “Hi.” He chuckled, then made it a point to talk a little louder, so Sammy could hear his successful pick-up, “What’s your name?”

 

She smiled, “Carmen.”

 

“Well, hey, Carmen. I’m Steve.” Damn, he was really laying it on thick. Hopefully this would be enough for Sammy to back off.

 

Carmen giggled and shook her head slightly, “Well, aren’t you overcompensating? You tryin’ to win a bet, or are you tryin’ to prove somethin’ to someone?”

 

That took Dean aback, not just because she hit the damn nail on the head, but usually his charming act was foolproof. “What do you mean?” he asked, trying to sound a lot cooler than he felt in that moment.

 

“Usually, when a guy comes on as strong as you just did, he’s tryin’ to prove somethin’ to himself or someone else. And that somethin’ is usually how masculine and tough he is...”

 

Dean laughed, a surprised sound. He shrugged, no point in lying or trying to save face, “Am I _that_ obvious?”

 

“Honey, when you look like me, in a job like this, you learn what people are really like…” Carmen fixed him with a curious stare before asking, “What’s his name?”

 

Was this chick psychic or something? Dean was downright shocked, unsure of how to respond. He started stammering, denying her implication when she raised her hand to stop him from further embarrassment.

 

“Baby, you’re pinin’, and the show you made of hitting on me… I think you’re hidin’ it, too. And you don’t seem the type to hide your feelings for a woman. Case in point...” She pointed to herself, accentuating the fact that he had been pretty damn obvious and over the top when he hit on her.

 

“Look, uh…” Dean started and she waved him off again.

 

“How ‘bout this? I’m off in ten minutes. Meet me out front and I’ll buy you a drink…”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

They’d ended up in this nice little dive bar called Mary’s. The sort of place Dean always felt comfortable. Salt of the earth type of folk, cheap drinks, dart boards. This was always his home away from home.

 

Interestingly enough, he didn’t realize it was a gay bar right away. Maybe because of some preconceived notion that smaller towns like this weren’t usually queer friendly. The rainbow flags decorating the walls didn’t even tip him off. It wasn’t until a six foot six drag queen took his order, that he started to suspect they were in a gay bar.

 

He knew for certain they were when he noticed the few pairs of couples on the dance floor were all same sex. Dean instantly felt on edge. Did she just assume he was gay? He never told Carmen that her assumption he was pining after a guy was correct. Did he come off as gay? Dean looked down at his attire, he _was_ in a suit…

 

“What are you worried about?” Carmen grinned as she noticed his fidgeting.

 

Dean brushed her off, “Not worried…”

 

She looked around the bar and then back at him, eyebrow quirked in question, “Figured you’d be more comfortable here…”

 

“I’m not gay…” He hated how much his voice cracked as he said it.

 

She laughed, but it wasn’t malicious, “Maybe not, but what’re the odds of your partner finding you in a place like this?”

 

Dean shrugged, he couldn’t argue that. This would be the last place Sammy would look for him, other than maybe in a church. But churches don’t serve liquor. He acquiesced, “Point.”

 

“So, Steve, what’s your story?” Carmen tilted her head and gave him a charming smile, holding up her fruity drink to clink against his beer.

 

He chuckled, “We don’t have that kinda time…”

 

"So, cliffs notes version. You're in love or maybe even in a relationship with a man and you want to keep it a secret from your partner at work? That about right?"

 

“You a psychic, Carmen?” he teased, but a part of him was genuinely curious. She seemed to know more than she should.

 

She chuckled, “Oh, man, I wish I had a dollar for a every time someone said that to me.” Carmen turned on her chair to face Dean, “You would be amazed how many people I’ve met in the same or similar situation as you are.”

 

Dean scoffed, “That I highly doubt…” He took a swig of his beer and fixed her with an almost exhausted half-hearted smile, “My boyfriend went off on a job and I haven’t heard from him in weeks. And I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one knows I even _have_ a boyfriend…” Dean was surprised at how good it felt to say that out loud.

 

Carmen put her glass down, her expression worried, “Fuck, you must go crazy with worry. Is he an FBI agent, too?”

 

Dean nodded, “You have no idea. And then my partner pointed out I wasn't as, uh… active as I used to be, hence my… what did you call it? Overcompensating?”

 

She nodded, sipping her drink thoughtfully, “So why can’t you tell him?”

 

“Uh, work policy. No fraternizing among agents…” he lied flawlessly.

 

“I see… I get why you wanna hide it, but at some point, you’re gonna need to face it. I mean, what if something has happened to him… and I seriously hope everything turns out to be okay for you.” She touched Dean‘s hand in a comforting gesture.

 

Dean nodded, “You may be right… But today ain’t that day.”

 

They proceeded to have a couple more drinks, talking about random things. Carmen turned out to be a pretty great sound board. She also was able to tell him more stuff about the town urban legend. It turned out to be a pretty nice way to spend the evening.

 

Because the town was a dry county after eleven, they ended up having to cut out after their third drink. Dean moved to grab his jacket from the back of the chair, giving her a grateful smile, “Thanks for listening to me, Carmen.”

 

She returned the smile as she shrugged on her jacket, “Good luck with everything, Steve.”

 

Dean shrugged noncommittally and walked out of the bar, holding the door open for her. As Carmen started to walk the other direction, he called out, “Hey, Carmen? Would you, uh… would you mind doing me a favor?”

 

She tentatively nodded, “What?”

 

“I’m meeting my partner in the morning at your diner, would it be… uh… would it be too much to ask you to meet me before I meet him… Make it look like, uh…”

 

She laughed, “No problem. I’ll even let you get handsy if you want...” Carmen departed with a wink.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean handed Sam the knife after he finished carving his initials in the table. It had been part of their way of making a home out of where they were. Carving their initials as a way to mark that a particular place was significant, important, because it was the home of the Winchesters. As two kids who had never lived in a place for longer than a couple of months, anywhere they could count as home was practically momentous.

 

That’s why their initials only existed in three places now. Baby, because she was the only constant they had growing up. Shit, not even their dad was there for them as much as his car was.

 

Bobby’s place. The only time they had a semblance of a normal kid-experience growing up was when they were dumped on Bobby’s doorstep for a month or two when Dad had to go on a hunt that was too dangerous for a couple of kids. They’d carved their initials in a parapet in Bobby’s kitchen. He caught them and instead of getting pissed for causing damage, he handed Dean a better knife. Damn, he missed that man.

 

And now, the bunker. The only place that had been an almost real home for them as adults. Hell, he felt more at home in the bunker than he did in the house with Lisa for that year. Which was pretty fucked up when he thought about it.

 

When Sam was finished with his own initials, Dean looked down at it. It was weird, for some reason it didn’t sit right with him. It was almost like something was missing. Which was pretty crazy. It had always been Sam and Dean against the world for as long as he could remember. Nothing was missing.

 

That’s when it hit him. The last few years their little family had expanded, to include a grumpy, socially inept angel of the lord. An angel that Dean had somehow earned the love of. An angel that he was pretty stupid for. An angel he missed terribly in that moment. If… When. _When_ Cas came back, because he had to believe Cas would come back to him, he was gonna make him carve his initials right next to theirs. Because this was his home, too.

 

Castiel’s home was wherever Dean was and maybe the guy needed a reminder of that. When he saw him again, Dean was gonna make sure he knew that. After he decked him for pulling his disappearing act again. Damn, he really fucking missed him.

  
After Sam left to go to bed, Dean leaned against the table and sighed. For the first time in a long time, he prayed, “Wherever you are, Cas… I hope you’re okay.”


	11. The Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: A MOTHERFUCKING MIXTAPE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????? Motherfuckers spouting that Destiel isn’t real and then they pull shit like this? They’re intentionally trying to fuck with us aren’t they? FUCK YOU. OH MY GOD. Also, let us preemptively apologize. We have to go where the show leads us. <3
> 
> Also, fuck all of you, I want some three men and a baby shit happening with TFW and the nephilim in s13 and I DON’T CARE WHAT ANY OF YOU THINK. Also, this episode was a motherfucking gift. UGH. Okay, fangirl OUT.
> 
> That was a fucking lie cuz: Also also: I fucking CALLED IT. The pattern of Dean hooking up with a rando right before a super heavy destiel episode. It's like they're trying to appease us.
> 
> Any here: I’m still trying to process this episode, but oh man… fuck that was a good one! Fun fact, when I watched it I totally had this fic as head canon in my mind and I was seriously blown away how much the episode played into it. I mean, the whole exchange with Dean and Cas and the tape…. (guhguhguh, it’s so real it hurts). Also I’m in Cas Heaven right now, cuz there was sooooooo much of him and his thoughts and I seriously needed that.
> 
> Frankie one more time: Oh, and in case you’re curious, the “Then” part of the chapter is set sometime between The Raid and Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell.

**Chapter 11: The Future**

 

**Then**

 

Dean had been rifling through one of the old crates in the archives when he heard the door to the main bunker entrance slam open. Sammy had gone off with Mom on some sort of milk run that didn’t require a third wheel; and since Dean had sprained his ankle, he got the damn boot on this one. Instantly on guard, he grabbed his .45 and cocked it, carefully stepping through the library. 

 

The sight that met him made him instantly relax. Cas was descending the staircase, looking a little rough around the edges, but in tact, so that was a win. Dean smiled and slotted the gun through his belt behind him, “Cas? What’re you doin’ here? Not that I’m not happy to see you…”

 

Cas returned the smile for a moment, tilting his head just slightly with an amused sparkle in his eyes, “I was in the area… Two states over, actually.”

 

“Two states over is in the area, huh?” he teased as he closed the gap between them and pulled Cas into a hug. When he remembered they were totally alone, he leaned in to press a soft kiss to Cas's lips. “Hey, Handsome.”

 

“Hello, Dean.” The corner of Cas’s eyes crinkled with the happy smile he was giving him, before he appeared to be confused, looking around, “Where is Sam?”

 

“Out on a hunt with Mom,” he stated with an eyebrow waggle. “Got the place to ourselves…”

 

For a moment Cas looked even more confused before he leaned back, “You’re hurt.”

 

Dean waved his concern off, “Just a sprain. I'll live.”

 

Cas knelt down and let his hands slide tenderly over his leg, a concentrated frown on his face. Dean felt a warmth spreading through his leg, the dull pain slowly ebbing away. “Better?” Cas asked gently when he looked up at Dean.

 

He moved to crouch and murmured a soft, “Much…” before he yanked him forward into a kiss. The sort of kiss you see a pair of lovers share in an airport after finally being reunited. When Dean drew back, he chuckled, “Missed ya’.”

 

“I’ve missed you, too… Very much. I just had to see you.” Cas stood up again, pulling Dean up with him.

 

Dean grinned, “Now that you see me, what’re you gonna do with me?”

 

Cas slid his fingers along the back of Dean’s neck, pulling him closer. “A bit more of this,” he whispered before he leaned in for another soft kiss.

 

He kind of loved being able to kiss Cas so openly. Not that he was much for PDA, but having to hide their relationship... It made Dean realize what a luxury being open really was. When his hands trailed down Cas’s torso, they reached his belt buckle. Dean drew back, breath slightly ragged as he started undoing Cas’s belt. He looked up, lips tilted in a smirk, “Always wanted to have sex on the table in the war room…”

 

Cas licked over his own lips, hesitating for a moment, “Here… now?”

 

“Nah, I was thinking next Tuesday…” Dean leaned forward, ghosting his lips against the shell of Cas’s ear. “Scared?” he challenged.

 

Cas looked in the direction of the door, “No.” It didn’t sound very convinced, but at least Cas was back on track when he suddenly pushed Dean against the table and pulled him into a deep, open mouthed kiss.

 

Untucking Cas’s shirt, he snaked his hands underneath the fabric and gripped onto the most insane hip bones he’d ever had the pleasure to touch. Dean groaned into Cas’s mouth, before he found his way back to the angel’s belt. When he slipped the leather through Cas’s belt loops, Dean drew back, folding the belt in half before placing it between his teeth. Though slightly muffled, he was pretty sure Cas caught when he said, “Show me what you got.”

 

Cas shook his head and gently took the belt from Dean's mouth, before he kissed him with an agonizing softness. "I'm not going to hurt you." He kissed him again, his teeth grazing Dean's lower lip. "But I'm going to take you apart."

 

Dean groaned outright, “Please…”

 

Cas let his lips trail down Dean's throat, his fingers quickly working open the buttons of Dean's shirt, pushing it gently from his shoulders before he unbuckled Dean's belt, opening the button and zipper on his jeans shortly after. He took his time, letting his fingers dance over Dean’s pecs, his nipples, teasing him with light touches. "You have no idea how often I’ve thought about doing this," he breathed heavily against Dean's throat, before he latched his lips to the sensitive skin and sucked a bruise there. 

 

His fingers rubbed softly over the fabric of Dean's jeans, teasing his cock, before Cas pulled them down along with his boxer briefs. He gently pushed Dean back onto the table.

 

Cas removed the rest of Dean's clothes with one hand, letting the palm of his other slide over Dean's body, in an almost possessive way. Or maybe he just wanted to internalize every inch of Dean’s body. 

 

His angel looked a little dazed, eyes half-lidded and mouth agape, breathing heavily as he let his gaze rake over Dean's bare skin. Dean had never felt so naked before. The staring seemed unending, as though he was trying to memorize every placement of each tiny freckle, scar, or other slight imperfection.

 

As Cas began his torturously slow exploration of Dean’s body, using his fingers and lips to trace feather light patterns into him, he arched up. He’d never felt so aroused in his entire life. It was like his skin was on fire. Dean practically whined a breathy, “Cas…”

 

Cas wrapped his fingers around Dean's legs and massaged into them with strong fingers before he pushed them apart, spreading them so he could kiss and lick down Dean's cock, unhindered. His fingers slipped to his ass, pulling him to the edge of the table before he spread his cheeks and started to lick him open.

 

“Oh, fuck…” Dean moaned. He'd never been rimmed before and while he always thought he'd be weirded out by it, whatever the hell Cas was doing with his tongue was making him see stars. Tangling his hands into his own hair, Dean cried out as he slammed his eyes shut with the onslaught of pleasure.

 

He could feel Cas slowly pushing in one finger. A finger that felt wet, like it had been pre-lubed, and for a split second Dean wondered where Cas got the lube before all rational thought left his mind. Cas’s finger grazed over his sweet spot and everything was suddenly muted and intensified all at once. 

 

Dean arched up into the touch, vision whiting out as Cas made good on his promise to take him apart. He was meticulous with his ministrations, slowly circling Dean’s rim to stretch the ring of muscle out as he periodically delved in, deeper and deeper. “Cas… Baby, please…”

 

Cas groaned, his low voice reverberating against Dean's skin. He pushed in a second finger, his tongue lapping teasingly at the underside of Dean's balls.

 

As he scissored Dean open further, in that moment Dean swore he'd never had better sex. Maybe it was Cas. Maybe it was because he was stupid for his best friend in a way he'd never been for anyone else. Whatever the reason, Dean knew then he'd never find anything remotely close to this ever again. When a third finger started stretching him, Dean cried out, “Cas!”

 

Cas licked over the complete length of Dean's cock, his lust filled eyes meeting Dean's when he looked up and asked, "Are you okay?"

 

“Fuck yes…” he groaned out, scooting himself a little more off of the edge of the table.

 

Cas gasped, pulling his own pants down roughly with his free hand and kicking his clothes out of the way. His voice sounded broken with lust and as he leaned over Dean, he let out a deep, possessive growl, "I'm going to take you now."

 

“Good,” Dean murmured as he grabbed the tie, still haphazardly slung around Cas’s neck, to pull him into another kiss. Getting lost in the debauched and intensely erotic action.

 

Cas gripped Dean's hip and pushed his cock into him without hesitation, panting against Dean's lips before he wrapped his arms around him and lifted him up from the table. Before Dean could process what was happening, Cas pressed him against the nearest wall, deepening their kiss.

 

With the new and delicious angle, Dean was impaled on an impossibly perfect cock, wrapping his legs around Cas’s waist in an effort to get closer, to never lose this sensation. Dean panted against Cas’s lips, soft and throaty moans escaping as Cas started to fuck into him. Faster. Harder. Utterly perfect. When Cas’s dick made contact with his prostate, Dean whined out his lover’s name. “Fuck… Oh, fuck, Cas…”

 

“Dean..." Only Cas could say his name like it meant a million different things, like something precious, something to be worshipped. He still had no idea how he deserved someone like Cas. Not that he was going to complain.

 

"I missed you so much..." Cas gasped before he licked over Dean's upper lip, his teeth grazing it gently. He looked up into Dean's eyes, gaze fiery and intense, like he was looking directly into his soul... maybe he was. "I love you," he whispered so quietly, it was barely audible.

 

He wanted to say it back. Fuck, did he want to say it back. Instead, he cupped Cas’s cheek and nodded. Nodded his understanding. Nodded his reciprocation. He fucking loved the angel more than he could possibly imagine. One day he’d tell him. But not like this. Not where it could be mistaken for a heat of the moment type deal. Dean kissed Cas, this time a gentle and heartfelt action, as opposed to the animalistic ferocity in which they were accustomed.

 

Cas cupped Dean’s face with one hand, the other still holding him in place, slowing down his thrusts for a moment to look at him. He rubbed his thumb over his eyebrow, breathing ragged and open mouthed as he searched Dean’s eyes for something. A warm smile told Dean he must have found an answer before he nodded, “I know.”

 

Something in him snapped in that moment and he couldn’t get close enough. Colliding against Cas, Dean lost himself in another kiss, clinging to him as though he were a lifejacket. Saving Dean from drowning. Well… He kind of was. 

 

Their movement grew frantic, Cas thrusting up into Dean at a frenetic and stuttered pace. When Cas grasped Dean’s dick, it was almost embarrassing how damn close he was. Three strokes and Dean was coming against both of their stomachs.

 

Cas followed right after, gasping out his name in broken pants as he pushed Dean against the wall again, biting into his shoulder to muffle his moans. 

 

As they slowly gained back their momentum, breathing heavily against each other, Cas gently carried Dean back to the table, sitting him on the edge as he slowly pulled out. Dean winced a little at the loss of contact, before leaning over to grab his shirt. As he shrugged it on, he smiled a little dopily at Cas. “Damn…”

 

Cas returned the smile, rubbing his hand over his neck, “That was very enjoyable.”

 

Dean barked out a laugh. Talk about understatement of the damn century. As he grabbed his jeans and pulled them back on, he regarded his boyfriend for a moment. Content to just kind of stare at him. After a beat he nodded at Cas to follow him, “Come on, let’s grab a couple beers and go fucking cuddle…”

 

He grabbed Cas’s hand and they continued to hold hands until they reached Dean’s room, apart from when they got a little lost in an impromptu makeout session in the kitchen for a few minutes while grabbing the beers. Dean crawled into the bed, clad only in boxer briefs and after some puppy eyed pleading, he got Cas to strip down to his boxers, too.

 

Dean pulled the blanket up over them and curled into Cas’s chest. He loved cuddling more than any adult man probably should, but there was something comforting in it. He’d missed Cas the past few weeks. With all of the drama with his mom working with the British bastards, killing the Alpha vampire… It was nice to have a bit of a break.

 

He started tracing the lettering of Cas’s tattoo, smiling against his boyfriend’s skin at the sickeningly domestic feel of it all. “You ever think about the future, Cas?”

 

“On occasion. Why?” Cas kissed the top of his head, leaning into Dean’s touch like a cat.

 

“It’s just… I’ve been thinking a lot about the future… Like, if I reach old age, get to be a cranky old bastard yelling at neighborhood kids to stay off my lawn and…” Dean shook his head, he felt weirdly vulnerable in that moment and wasn’t sure if being completely honest with Cas was a good idea.

 

Cas gave him a quick, lopsided smile before he intertwined their fingers and kissed the back of Dean’s hand, “I think this is the first time I’ve heard you say that you believe you will reach such an age.”

 

Dean let out a soft sigh, “I mean… I’m not delusional. I know the odds of me reaching that point are like, a million to one… But I guess, lately, I’ve been actually hoping I reach the finish line.”

 

Cas’s expression turned soft. “Because of me?”

 

“Yeah, actually…” It was weird how much more naked and vulnerable he felt having this sort of discussion, than when Cas was fucking him up against the wall. Dean leaned up a little to look at him, “Can you imagine? Being gross and domestic? Me throttling a neighborhood kid for ruining your flowers. The flowers you spent all summer planting?” While he was teasing Cas, Dean’s heart still seemed to swell at the idea. 

 

A barely there smile graced Cas's lips as he looked down at the sheet, obviously trying to imagine what Dean was describing. "I'd like that... Not the part where you kill children over our lawn... but the rest." He looked up at Dean, "You want to stop hunting?"

 

“Eventually, I mean… I’m not getting any younger. Can’t be chasing down ghouls into my late seventies…” Dean grinned, “And I wouldn’t kill them. Just scare the fuck out of them for ruining your flower garden. You know… the one you planted for the bees.”

 

Cas squeezed his hand, “It seems you’ve thought a lot about this.”

 

He nodded, “Yeah. Man, I’m looking forward to it. Getting to IHOP for the early bird specials, senior discounts, bitching about the music kids listen to nowadays… Although, I guess I kinda do that now. They don’t make music like they used to…”

 

“They don’t?” Cas asked, sounding surprised. “I like the music on the radio.”

 

Dean let out a groan and flicked Cas’s nose as he chastised, “Bad angel. No.” 

 

Cas chuckled and held Dean’s hands in his to kiss them again, “Okay, so enlighten me, Dean. What is good music?”

 

He feigned a gasp and clutched at his chest, “That you even have to ask…” Shifting to lay next to Cas on the bed, sharing the same pillow as they looked into each other’s eyes, Dean’s expression grew more serious as he continued, “Good music is the kind of stuff you hear and you can actually  _ feel  _ it, in every part of your body. It speaks to your heart, your mind, and invokes all kinds of emotion. And music like that comes from raw and magnetic talent, like Page and Plant. Led Zeppelin is probably the greatest band to have ever lived and to even try to compare their sound to shit like Bieber? Yeah, no.”

 

“What made you like them?” Cas asked thoughtfully.

 

“Shit… That’s a little hard to explain. There’s so much about them… Their lyrics, their insane level of skill, the way they challenged the music industry… Here…” Dean moved to grab his phone off of the nightstand, pulling up his Zeppelin pandora station. Thankfully, it started with a Zepp song. Black Dog. Definitely one of his favorites. He held the phone and curled into Cas again, “Just listen.”

 

Cas listened to the song with a thoughtful expression, confusion flitting over his face as he squinted his eyes at Dean’s phone, “Why is the song called, ‘Black Dog’ when it’s about… meeting the wrong woman?” He sounded unsure whether that interpretation was correct.

 

Dean chuckled, “Actually, they couldn’t come up with a name for the song, so they called it Black Dog for a stray black lab they used to feed. See what I mean? Awesome.”

 

“Do you like the song because it’s about longing to find the right person in your life?” Cas propped his chin on his hand, tilting his head as he listened to the music, “It has inarguably more depth to the lyrics than more recent songs about touching someone’s ass.”

 

“How do you know for sure it isn’t about wanting to touch someone’s ass?” Dean smirked before taking Cas’s question seriously. “Honestly, it’s just… When you listen to Zeppelin, you’re listening to fifty years of blues music driven into a frenzy by Jimmy Page. You’re listening to Robert Plant’s hauntingly folkish vocals. You’re listening to the melodical genius of John Paul Jones. You’re listening to the drumming of John Bonham, a drummer even Hendrix was in awe of. You’re listening to the four most talented musicians who ever lived. And we, mere mortals, get to listen to the lifeforce of these men and that’s fucking magical.”

 

Dean noticed that Cas looked at him with an awed expression, his smile growing more pronounced the longer he had talked. Cas shook his head and looked down at the sheet again, "It's nice to hear you talk about something with so much passion."

 

He flicked Cas in the chest, “Shut up.”

 

Cas squinted his eyes, “Make me.”

 

Dean quirked his brow and gently shoved Cas onto his back, quickly moving to straddle his hips. He managed to grab Cas’s wrists, pinning his hands above his head as he leaned down. “Gladly,” he murmured before pressing forward, capturing Cas’s lips in a surprisingly gentle kiss. Dean drew back, smirk firmly in place, “What’re you gonna do now, tough guy? You’re trapped.”

 

“I’m exactly where I want to be,” Cas countered with his own smirk.

 

“Good,” he mumbled against Cas’s lips.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas was somewhere in the library doing as much research as he could on nephilims and whatever else he could possibly use before he was going to head out again, so Dean holed himself up in his room, old boombox and a blank cassette in hand.

 

It was pretty damn lame, but Cas wouldn’t know that making a mixtape was lame. And after their discussion the night before, he knew a proper music education was essential for his boyfriend. Zeppelin was the only band he made any sort of exception for when it came to getting their music in all possible forms. Which meant he had most of their albums on CD, as well as downloaded on his phone.

 

Dean spent a good hour or so picking out his favorite songs, which was a hell of a lot considering they recorded eighty seven of them. Ramble On was a given, not only was it Dean’s favorite Zepp song, but it was one of the first mystic-storytelling songs Plant created. Stairway to Heaven, an absolute must. Black Dog, definitely. Especially since it was what sort of spurred this idea. When he finally picked them out, he got to work on copying them to the blank cassette.

 

It was only logical to use a cassette. Cas’s shitty truck only had a tape deck and there was something particularly meaningful in the work that goes into making an actual mixtape. When he was finally finished, Dean grabbed a sharpie and contemplated what to write on it. He debated on labeling it: “Necessary Education to Date a Winchester”. But he scratched that off the list. If someone found the tape…

 

In the end, he went with short and simple. “Deans Top 13 Zepp Traxx”. Boring and platonic enough that most people wouldn’t think twice looking at it. He grinned and made his way out to the library. Cas wasn’t there. He padded through the bunker, calling out for Cas, when he found him in the war room, looking like he was getting ready to leave.

 

“Heading out already?” he asked as he approached, wrapping his arms around Cas’s waist from behind as he pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. 

 

Cas sighed deeply, “I have to.” He sounded growly and frustrated. 

 

Dean spun him around, now face to face, and gave his boyfriend a soft smile, cupping the side of his face, “Keep me in the loop, okay?”

 

“Of course.” Cas closed his eyes for a moment, leaning into Dean’s touch, “I’ll miss you.”

 

“Ditto,” he murmured as he kissed Cas. When he drew back, he held up the mixtape, “Made somethin’ for you.”

 

Cas let his fingers slide over Dean’s when he took the tape, “A tape?”

 

“Yeah,” he sidled next to Cas to look at the tape with him, tapping the front of it. “You can play it in your truck. These are my favorite Zepp songs, figured you could get a proper education and, uh… you know...” 

 

“Have something with me that reminds me of you,” Cas finished his sentence.

 

Dean grinned, “Yeah. Somethin’ like that.”

  
  


**Now**

 

His heart was beating erratically and he had paced in front of the bunker's door for several minutes before he actually felt brave enough to go through with his mission. 

 

It took him weeks to come to terms with Joshua’s plan and when Dean had left him a message, telling him that they got the Colt back, that plan changed in a direction he hadn't wanted it go.

 

Heaven's priority was to stop the Nephilim from being born. But Dagon was a player that had to be removed from the field. He didn't need long to be convinced that he had to do something about it, what took longer was to justify in his mind that he had to lie to his family and steal the Colt from them.

 

He was telling himself that he was doing this for Dean. He knew if Sam or Dean had to kill Kelly, it would break them. They couldn't do it. He wasn’t sure he could do it either. Doubt was something he grew accustomed to over the past few years. But he needed to do this for his own sake.

 

And he believed in the mission. The offspring of Lucifer wasn’t allowed to be born. The death of Kelly would be tragic, but it was necessary. He told himself that Kelly wouldn’t survive the birth anyway, so what difference did it make if she died sooner than anticipated? At least he would save her from the excruciating pain of a slow death that waited for her at the end of the line.

 

But all of this, stealing the Colt from them, lying to them… it was nothing compared to what he felt when he thought about facing Dean again. He tried to not think about those things, the conclusions he had come to, because he knew that if he started to think of it, he couldn’t go through with the plan. He needed to be in control of his emotions. 

 

He took a deep breath before he opened the door, already hearing the familiar sound of Sam's voice down in the war room.  

 

Both Winchesters stared up in shock at him, a shock that he felt too when his eyes fell on Dean. His heart stumbled as Sam breathed out his name.

 

He hated how breathless his own voice sounded when he greeted them carefully.

 

“Hey,” Sam greeted him back and Cas could hear his relief before he continued, “You’re alright. Um… Where have you been?”

 

He could feel Dean’s eyes on him when he descended the stairs. Dean’s expression suddenly changed from stunned to angry, just like he had expected, “Let me rephrase that for Sam. Where the  _ hell  _ have you been? And why have you ignored our phone calls?”

 

“Where I was, the–the reception was, uh… poor.”  It was a lie. He had felt Dean's longing for him every second he had stayed in Heaven. He had listened to all of the messages shortly after he had received them. But he couldn’t go back. Not without a win, not without a result. Not without telling Dean what was really going on with him, because he knew he couldn’t lie to Dean forever. He knew the sooner he would get back, the more influence Dean would have on him, convincing him to choose another path. So he stayed away.

 

Every second of listening to Dean's voice had been torture for him, making his heart grow heavier with the guilt he was feeling. But he listened to them anyway, repeatedly. He needed it to hurt because he was losing Dean. 

 

Dean regarded him with an incredulous expression, “No bars?” He turned to his brother and repeated, “No bars. That’s his excuse.” When he faced Cas again he responded with an obviously sarcastic, “Wow.”

 

Cas tried to tell them as much of the truth as he could, “I was in Heaven. I was working with the angels.”

 

It was such a minute, barely noticeable action, but Cas was instantly drawn to the way Dean was chewing the inside of his cheek. He was clearly on the verge of either screaming, or punching Cas. It was difficult to maintain eye contact with Dean the way he stared. And then there was Sam. Kind, understanding, supportive Sam, who merely gave Cas a gentle nod in response.

 

“When I saw Dagon had captured Kelly, “ He had to look away, still feeling uncomfortable lying, “I–I thought they could help.”

 

Sam asked, “And?”

 

Cas shook his head, he couldn’t tell them. He had to do this on his own, he had to keep them out of it. They just wanted to help and he couldn’t let them, “Nothing.”

 

And unsurprisingly that was met with Sam simply saying, “Well, at least you’re back. We’re glad you’re back.”

 

Dean, on the other hand, was perceivably livid and turned to look at his brother, tone incredulous as he asked, “Really?”

 

Sam’s smile instantly vanished with his brother’s look and tone. Dean shook his head at him, “No, I’m sorry.” Apparently done with Sam, he turned to Cas, “Okay, ‘cause while you were striking out in Heaven, we had a shot at Dagon, and we lost.” 

 

Cas’s heart ached as he nodded, he couldn’t look at Dean, “I know. I…” For a moment he looked up, the sadness and anger, the disappointment in Dean’s eyes, it felt like a punch to his chest, “Received your messages.”

 

He could practically feel the sarcasm coming off of Dean as the man feigned being surprised, his tone very much as sarcastic as his body language, “Oh, you did –you did receive the messages? Okay…” Dean returned his attention to Sam, “That’s good.”

 

Sam was unable to make eye contact with Dean, he appeared incredibly uncomfortable at, once again, being caught in the middle of yet another fight between him and Dean. It didn’t stop him from gently trying to calm his brother with a soft, “Dean.”

 

Dean ignored his brother and turned to face Cas again, “So, not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us? That’s great.”

 

Cas looked away again, trying to concentrate on a million other things in that moment, just so the emotions inside of him, the guilt that was threatening to overwhelm him, wouldn’t lead him to do something stupid. He tried to remind himself that he was doing this for the right reasons.

 

“‘Cause we really could’ve used the backup.” Before Cas could even respond, Dean continued, sardonic tone in place, “But, uh, you were too busy with…” Dean snapped his fingers and rubbed his brow, “Um…” It was quite the performance as Dean then clicked his tongue before looking back to Sam briefly, “What was it?” When Dean looked back at Cas, his expression was unamused, any traces of feigned light-heartedness gone, “Nothing?”

 

“Dean, I–” He didn’t even know what to say, but it didn’t matter because Dean interrupted him anyway.

 

“What the hell’s wrong with you, man?”

 

Cas could hear the underlining question, the hurt and anger because Cas had left him. He couldn’t answer, especially not in front of Sam, so he helplessly shrugged. He just wanted this to be over.

 

“You know, whatever. That’s…” Dean let out a mirthless chuckle, “Yeah. Welcome back.” Without a second look, Dean stormed past Cas, leaving both him and his brother staring at each other in bemused helplessness. 

 

“Dean, y –” Sam tried to stop him, but Dean was already gone.

 

Cas looked after him with a deep sigh. He knew the rift between them would only get bigger after he did what he was about to do. And at that point, Cas didn’t care what happened to him on his mission. He knew his chances of surviving this weren’t high, but he tried to keep the hurt he would cause the Winchesters to a minimum. They wouldn’t take his death well, but it would be better, easier, if Dean hated him. 

 

It wouldn’t be the first time he would enter into a confrontation with a Prince of Hell, but considering both other times he had lost... The Colt gave him a slight advantage, a chance for him to kill the demon, but in a regular fight… he didn’t stand a chance. Even years ago, with all of the heavenly power at his disposal, Alistair had bested him without much effort. Sam had been the one who saved him. 

 

The younger Winchester had his hand now on Cas’s shoulder, “He’s just sick with worry. He’ll come around, Cas.”

 

Cas nodded slowly, “I know.” He turned around, giving Sam a grateful smile, “Thank you, Sam… I’ll… I’ll try to talk to him.”

 

Sam let his hand slide down his shoulder, giving Cas a long look, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Maybe you should wait until he’s calmed down.” 

 

No. He knew Dean, he needed him to be angry so his plan would work. He shook his head, “No, I have to apologize to him now. This can’t wait.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas didn’t go straight to Dean’s room. The first thing he did was run down towards the dungeon and the storeroom where the safe was. He opened it only to have his hopes crushed when the Colt wasn’t there. 

 

That only left one location where Dean could have put it. Under his pillow. Cas knew Dean slept better with a weapon nearby. He learned that the first time he had spent the night in his bed. Dean had pulled a weapon from under his pillow and put it in his nightstand drawer. After Cas’s questioning look, he had explained to him, with a smirk, that sleeping next to an angel basically equated to having an atomic bomb in his bed and since that was already “overkill,” the gun was unnecessary. 

 

A part of him had hoped he could have saved himself the trip to Dean’s room.  Another part wished he could tell Dean that he shouldn't wait for Cas. That he couldn't be with him because he was too weak. Cas didn’t feel equal to him, he knew Dean deserved better. And he needed to get his strength back to earn Dean’s love. If that was even something that was possible after this, not only because the chances of survival in his confrontation with Dagon were slim at best, but also because there was a limit to mistakes, betrayals, and forgiveness. And what he was about to do was overstepping the line.

 

His thoughts about his plan were contradicting. He knew what he was doing. This was him ruining his relationship with Dean. Because he was too afraid to say it openly. A part of him selfishly clung to the hope that if he didn’t say anything, they would somehow make it through this. That there was still hope he and Dean would be okay after this. The other part told him that it was all for the best. Wasn’t there a human saying that you can't love someone if you don't love yourself first? Cas had no idea how much truth was in that statement. He loved Dean, but he knew he shouldn't be with him as long as he felt like this. 

 

He could feel the mixtape in his inner pocket. Something Dean had given him so he would remember him. A gift he couldn’t keep because he didn’t deserve it. A gift he didn’t want to keep, because it  _ would  _ remind him of Dean. And yet, he desperately wanted to hold onto it.

 

He knocked on Dean’s door with a heavy heart, trying to steal himself for what he needed to do. Whatever Dean would say to him, he needed to be in control of the conversation. He needed to get Dean out of his room. Knowing his habits, his behavior when he was angry and frustrated, he hoped Dean would want to avoid further discussion with him and immediately leave to grab an alcoholic beverage. In fact, he was counting on it. 

 

When Dean didn’t answer, he carefully opened the door, finding Dean sitting at his laptop, obviously trying to distract himself with work. He looked tense, not once looking in his direction.

 

“Sorry, Dean,” Cas started quietly, but Dean still ignored him. “Um…” Cas reached into his trench coat pocket and pulled out the tape. It felt warm in his hand. “I just wanted to return this.” He walked up to Dean and placed the tape on the desk beside him, tapping his finger one last time on the surface to say goodbye. 

 

Dean, who’s eyes were not straying from the screen of his laptop, grabbed the tape and murmured, ”It’s a gift.” Without any fanfare or eye contact he extended his arm out, offering the tape back to Cas, “You keep those.”

 

Cas quickly took it back, careful not to touch Dean. He had hoped this would have triggered an angry reaction, something that would get Dean out of his room. “Oh.” He looked around, wondering what else he could do, if he should just wait for him to leave and come back later, his eyes already quickly searching the room for the possible location of the Colt. He couldn’t see it, so it was probably under Dean’s pillow like he had predicted. He turned around to leave, resigned over the fact he would have to come back later, when Dean suddenly stopped him by talking again.

 

“Cas. You can’t…” Dean paused momentarily before finally continuing, tone almost monotonous and unfeeling as his gaze never strayed from the screen, “With everything that’s going on, you can’t just go dark like that.”

 

Cas looked down for a moment. The hurt in Dean’s voice was almost too much to bear. But he had to. It was his fault and he wanted, he  _ needed  _ to feel it.

 

“We didn’t know what happened. We were worried. That’s not okay.” Dean managed to say all of that without his voice cracking, but he could feel the pain radiating off of him. Dean was clearly just trying to keep it together. He was being false, trying to be strong. He had hurt Dean and the man was reverting to his old, repressive habits.

 

“Well, I didn’t mean to add to your distress.” Cas growled, trying to get a grip on his emotions. 

 

Dean shook his head slightly, still staring at his laptop.

 

Cas felt his resolve breaking, he wanted Dean to understand why he was doing this. Not everything, of course, but he wanted him to understand  _ why  _ he was doing this, “I…” 

 

_ Never wanted to hurt you, but I don’t have a choice.  _

 

“Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn’t find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn’t find her. And I just wanted…”

 

_ For you to not lose your faith in me. But I was afraid you would only see my mistakes. _

 

“I  _ needed  _ to come back here with a win for you.”  

 

_ I just wanted to be an angel again. Your angel. _

 

“For myself.”

 

Finally Dean turned to face Cas, “You think you’re the only one rolling snake eyes here?” At Cas’s unsure expression, he continued, “Me and Sam, we had her. We had Kelly and we lost her.” 

 

Suddenly Cas realized that this was his chance. They were talking about this and now Cas could test Dean, could potentially have a reason to abandon his mission if Dean was able to give the right answer. “And if you find her again?”

 

“Sam’s working on it. Of course, he’s hell-bent on finding something that doesn’t mean killing her or her kid.” 

 

“Right. And if he doesn’t find something? If you run out of time,  _ could  _ either of you kill an innocent?” He looked at Dean expectantly, hoping to see the determination he would need to kill Kelly in Dean’s eyes. But Dean’s expression changed. He looked away for a moment and it was all the answer Cas needed  – even before Dean shrugged it off and said, 

 

“We will find a better way.” 

 

Cas felt surprised by Dean’s words. It almost felt like Dean was starting to forgive him. And he didn’t want that, “You mean, we?”

 

“Yes, dumbass.  _ We.”  _ Dean moved to stand and slowly approached Cas. His body language was still guarded as he pointed to Cas, then himself and said, “You, me, and Sam, we’re just better together. So now that you’re back, let’s go, ‘Team Free Will.’ Let’s get it done.” 

 

Cas couldn’t lie to Dean’s face, so he looked away, “I’d like that.“

 

Dean apparently had enough eye contact with him, too, and looked away as he mumbled, “Great. And I’d like a beer.”

 

Cas could feel the wall between them. A wall he had put up, but nevertheless it hurt. He waited a few more moments until Dean was out of earshot before he quickly went over to his bed and grabbed the Colt from under his pillow.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Thankfully, not only did they know where Cas and Kelly were going, but Cas hadn’t taken the app off of his phone yet. After Dean fixed the truck, they hopped in and sped down the highway, trying to reach them in time. While Baby could outrun the piece of shit Cas called a truck, Dean had a lead foot and had no intention of letting Cas take Kelly into Heaven.

 

They got there in the nick of time, Dagon already wailing on Cas. He felt his throat constrict, unable to even cry out for his angel, watching as she tried to choke the life out of him.

 

Without hesitation, Sam approached her, unloading every round he could into her back. It wouldn’t even cause a dent, but thankfully it did what they needed it to do. Successfully distracted, she threw Cas to the ground. The urge to dart over to him was overwhelming, but they had bigger fish to fry.

 

The bitch turned instantly, heading right for Sammy while he was trying to reload his gun. She reached Sam and struck him, the force strong enough to fling him into a bench.

 

Dean was fucking done. He cocked the Colt and aimed it straight for the bitch’s heart. Dagon disappeared, and as he frantically looked around for where she went, she reappeared right behind him. When he felt his arm break, he hunched over, cradling his arm. That’s when he realized she’d taken the Colt.

 

Dagon casually held it in her hand and said, “Yeah. Time to take this off the board.” 

 

He felt frozen, helpless, as he watched the Colt light up, basically melting. He’d never really considered the shelf life of the gun, but he’d mistakenly thought the damn thing was unbreakable. Dean cried out, “No!”

 

As the gun basically crumbled, she dropped it to the ground and turned to Kelly and Cas. “Okay. Who wants ice cream?”

 

Cas, beaten and bloody, moved to stand before he stumbled towards Kelly.

 

Dagon started sauntering up to them, scoffing at Cas, “Kid, come on. It’s just getting sad.” 

 

Dean could hear Cas’s pleading, breathless command to Kelly, “Run.”

 

Dean watched helplessly, trying so damn hard to ignore the pain of his broken arm. When Kelly shook her head and took Cas’s hand, he wanted nothing more than to dart in front of them. To protect Cas. The bitch would disintegrate him and while they weren’t on the best of terms, Dean knew he wouldn’t be able to handle watching as his boyfriend was killed. Especially if he never got the chance to...

 

Dagon practically cooed, “Aww! Adorbs!”

 

He could have sworn that Kelly’s eyes flashed when a bright trail of light seemed to be transferred from her to Cas.

 

The Prince of Hell was clearly done with their shit and approached, heading right for Cas. This was it. This was going to be the thing he’d witnessed and dreaded so many times throughout his life. Watching the people he loved die.

 

“Cas!” Sam cried out.

 

Dean’s voice wavered as he basically plead with everything in the universe to protect the creature he loved more than anything or anyone. “No!”

 

Cas grabbed Dagon’s wrist, stopping her attack.

 

He couldn’t see her face, but Dean could imagine the bitch looked terrified. Whatever the fuck was happening with Cas, it was making him strong enough to shut down her powers. Dagon sounded amazed when she asked, “How…”

 

“Call it a miracle,” Cas growled before he shoved Dagon away as she burst into flames and burned to ash under her agonizing screams.

 

They just witnessed Cas light a damn Prince of Hell on fire with his hand. Or his mind. Either way it was fucking terrifying. He and Sammy managed to stumble towards Kelly and Cas, both a little wary of him. Was he possessed again? Was this the Leviathan or Lucifer deal all over again? 

 

Dean called for his boyfriend, hesitant, concerned, “Cas?”

 

Sam asked what Dean couldn’t bring himself to ask, “What was that?”

 

Cas looked like he was still trying to come to terms with what just happened himself before he answered, “It was, um… It was me. But it was also…” He looked down at Kelly’s belly, before he faced Dean again, “You’re hurt.” He walked up to Dean, gently grasping his arm, his fingers gracing Dean’s as he healed him, “Thank you for coming to fight for us.”

 

Us?  _ Us?  _ Cas was thanking them like they were a couple of strangers who happened to try and stop a home invasion? Dean was confused, hurt, and a plethora of other goddamn emotions. What the hell was  _ wrong  _ with Cas? 

 

Pain in his arm now gone, seeing as Cas healed his fracture, he was able to really focus on what was happening. The urge to reach out and hold him, to shake him out of whatever spell he was under, was overwhelming. Unable to hide the concern from his voice, Dean asked, “Are you okay?”

 

“I am,” Cas nodded slowly. “I’ve been so lost. I’m not lost anymore. And I know now that this child must be born with all of his power.“

 

“You can’t actually mean that,” Sam sounded just as dumbstruck as Dean felt.

 

“Yes. I do. I have faith.” He smiled and looked at Kelly, who returned the smile, like they just had a silent conversation of their own. “We have to go.” 

 

As Cas moved to walk past them, Dean swore his heart stopped beating. He was frozen, probably in shock, and all he could think of was this couldn’t be happening. Not again. This wasn’t Cas. This wasn’t the angel he’d fallen in love with.

 

Sam tried to halt them both, “Hey, Cas, wait a second. Wait, hold on. Just…”

 

Cas smiled. A smile he knew too well, “You have to just trust me.“

 

Dean was fucking done with this. His boyfriend was acting all brainwashed again, and now was asking them to trust him? After all the shit he just pulled, and whatever the hell happened with the nephilim? Not happening. “No, no, no, wait. Okay. Whatever that thing did to you, we’re not just gonna let you walk away.” 

 

“Yeah. That’s not gonna happen.” He could have kissed his brother for backing him up in that moment. 

 

“Yes, it is.” 

 

Dean hardly had time to process what he just saw. Cas did his stupid forehead knockout thing to his brother and was moving in for him. He barely managed a pleading, “Don’t,” before everything went black.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean and Sam came to a few hours after Cas had pulled that stunt. When Sam tried to ask him how he was doing, he waved him off. He needed to be numb. He desperately needed to get home, take a fucking shower, drink every drop of alcohol in the bunker, then pass out for a day or two.

 

The worst part was he couldn’t talk to Sam about it. All he wanted to do was unload on him. Every single damn fear he was feeling. Like how he was pretty sure that Cas was under some sort of spell or something from the power of the nephilim. A creature that was strong enough to give Cas the power to destroy a Prince of Hell with just a touch. 

 

That was all kinds of bad and Cas was acting all space-age, kool-aid drinking, cult member about everything. Thinking this creature was going to be something good? 

 

And on top of all of that, he’d come to find out that his boyfriend had been purposely ignoring all of his damn phone calls. He’d tried to give back the mixtape. Cas didn’t have to say it. Clearly whatever there was between them was over.

 

It had been over when Cas chose to go to Heaven, then play him to get the Colt for their asinine plan that got a few more angels killed in the process. Cas chose them over his family, his real family. Cas chose them over Dean. Well, those fucks should finally be happy with him. Choosing Heaven over the Winchesters.

 

Dean just hadn’t expected it to hurt so much. It wasn’t just because of the betrayal. His heart was fucking breaking and there was dick he could do to stop it. He couldn’t even unload on his brother, because no one could know. Not that that really mattered anymore. 

 

When they finally reached the bunker, Dean rushed past his brother and went straight for the bottle of scotch on the drink cart. He grabbed it and high-tailed it to his room. Dean would be damned if he was going to cry over Castiel, but if he did, he sure as hell didn’t want to do it in front of his brother. 

 

He’d downed half the bottle when he thought to pull his cell phone out. First, he went through his pictures, trying to not lose it over the shots he had of Cas. Of them together. It fucking hurt. Christ, did it hurt. But he couldn’t bring himself to delete any of them. It was all too fresh. Too new. And just because Cas didn’t love him any more…

 

Dean shook his head. Another swig of scotch and he knew what he had to do. Not just for himself, but for a closure that was needed. With a deep breath, Dean tapped out a text message. He stared at it for several minutes, debating on whether or not he should send it. He closed his eyes for a moment and finally hit send:

 

_ I know it’s shitty to do this through text, but you don’t know what is and isn’t acceptable with human customs and seeing as I’m not gonna find you to do it in person and the last thing I want is to hear your voice, you’re getting a text.  _

 

_ We're done. Don’t get me wrong you're always gonna be family. You can always come back here. Back home. But you and I? We're done. We were done when you tried to give me back the mixtape. That’s what that was, wasn’t it? You were breaking up with me. You just couldn’t man up and say it to me in person. Well, let me make it easy for you. I can't do this anymore. And you obviously don't love me the way you say you do. Not that that matters anymore. So we’re done Cas.  _

 

After wiping away the solitary tear that managed to escape, Dean stared at his phone and shot him one more text.

  
_ Keep the mixtape. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: Okay, so woof. What a chapter. What a fucking episode. Sorry we broke them up, but it was the only logical step. I mean, I’m not ACTUALLY sorry. There’s a sick, twisted part of me that really really hopes we made you fuckers cry. (*cough* I’m looking at you [steeleye1](http://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye1/pseuds/steeleye1) *cough*). Anyway, I’m not even sure how to feel anymore.
> 
> Any here: I just sit here in the corner, quietly… hoping that Dean will be there for Cas in the end, when this turns out to be the mistakes that finally breaks Cas.
> 
> Frankie again: And if that isn’t the case, I don’t care what it takes, if Any and I end up having to make the last chapter its own fucking fic to fix it, we will fucking fix whatever happens. That much I can promise.
> 
> Any: Yeah :D


	12. Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: Okay, so, this episode made me fucking sob. Partially from the fact that I may or may not be an emotionally unstable fuckwit. But also Kendrick Sampson’s performance. Fuck. Beautiful.
> 
> Alright, so we’re going a slightly different direction with this chapter. We wanted to focus on Dean’s overall emotional state as opposed to progressing in actual story development. Which was pretty much what we did while Cas was in Heaven, but yeah… Instead of incorporating actual scenes from the episode; or character interaction; this chapter is STRICTLY narrative; Dean’s overall thought processes while driving Baby after leaving Max. 
> 
> Which, after the last chapter, I’m sure is so fucking unsatisfying; but too bad! Shit’s about to go down in the last few episodes and we’re going to have a lot to work with. So, sorry not sorry for the short, unsatisfying chapter. Blame me, not Any. <3
> 
> Any here: (Meanwhile Cas)   
> _Kelly: Castiel, what are you doing? Why have you been staring at my belly for two days now? It's a bit creepy._
> 
> _Cas: The Nephilim and I are playing mind chess. Bishop to F3. [Cas squints his eyes at Kelly's belly]_
> 
> _Cas: And he's cheating. [His eyes glow golden] But it’s totally okay._
> 
> Frankie here: CAN’T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING.

**Chapter 12: Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes**

 

Dean and Sam made their way to Baby, feeling pretty goddamn useless. Max just lost his entire family in one fucking day. How do you justify that? What words existed to make that okay? They don’t fucking exist. Dean knew that better than most people. How do you come to terms with a concept that neither Sam nor Dean had ever been able to process, to accept? Dean wasn’t delusional or stupid. He knew that the codependency of his and Sam’s relationship was pretty fucking destructive sometimes.

 

They’d come a long way. A  _ long  _ way from selling their souls for each other. Making deals, taking on curses, starting goddamn apocalypses, all to bring the other back from death. Hell, Dean even tried pulling that shit as recently as last year, when Sammy got shot. But they were trying to stop pulling that shit for each other. Trying to be better about coming to terms with their own mortality as well as each other’s.

 

But seeing the grief of Max Banes, was both familiar and jarring. He took for granted how often they found their way around something as supposedly final as death. Dean really wasn’t stupid. He knew damn well what Max was going to do. And honestly? He couldn’t blame the guy. Forty years in Hell was worth bringing Sammy back as far as he was concerned. Granted he wouldn’t do it again, he’d learned his damn lesson; but Max needed to learn the lesson for himself. And you never know... Maybe Max would surprise him and actually give his mom and sister a hunter’s funeral. Although, the desperate desolation he saw in the guy’s eyes? He’d seen that before, in his own reflection. Max wasn’t leaving there without bringing Alicia back.

 

That’s why Dean didn’t say anything to Sam. If he knew, he would have tried to stop Max. Sam was a lot better about getting his shit together regarding toxic, co-dependent behavior. Maybe it was because he was the little brother. Maybe because it wasn’t ingrained into his entire belief system that first, and foremost, family is what’s most important. Hell, Dad had often used that exact belief system against Dean throughout his childhood and adolescence. So much so Dean was surprised the man didn’t tattoo it on his forehead.  _ Gotta protect Sammy, gotta keep Sammy safe. _

 

That’s what fucked him up so much about his mom, how easily and readily she was able to disappear on them. Dean spent the first four years of his life seeing Mary as not only a mother-figure, but  _ the  _ caretaker. The woman who comforted him when he cried, sang him to sleep when he had a nightmare, made him his favorite foods when he wasn’t feeling well. His mom was everything his dad wasn’t. He loved John, the guy did the best he could with him and Sam. Whatever issues the man had, wherever he’d fucked up; Dean had forgiven him years ago.

 

Maybe that’s why Dean still felt this need to seek comfort from his mom. Despite her recent behavior, Dean still saw Mary as that comfort-giving superhero, the one who came to a four-year-old’s rescue time and time again. That’s why, even though he couldn’t talk to Sam about it, he still wanted to talk to his mom about what was happening with Cas. How fucked up and spun out he was over it.

 

Thanks to being raised by John Winchester and living the life of an emotionally repressed fuckwit; Dean was more than capable of keeping his heartbreak to himself. But it was getting to a point where he didn’t  _ want  _ to do that anymore. He was tired. He was too old to go seeking comfort in the arms of a stranger and a bottle of Jack. He wanted to be a normal thirty-something, with the ability to ask friends and family for advice on what to do with his relationship. Or, rather, ended relationship. To seek comfort, because  _ goddamnit…  _ After playing the part of the good soldier for almost all of his life, he was kind of  _ done. _

 

Dean was in love with an angel of the lord. One who was presently under the control of Lucifer’s goddamn offspring; having run off to fuck knows where with Rosemary. One who didn’t even give him the satisfaction of replying to his breakup text! Not even a shitty, passive-aggressive, “K”.  _ Nothing.  _ And instead of bitching about it with the few other people he gave a damn about, he had to let his bitterness and sadness fester. Acting all happy go-lucky when all he wanted to do was hunt the bastard down and shake him out of his devil-baby trance.

 

It wasn’t fair. But then, when had life ever been fucking fair for the Winchesters? 

 

Dean looked over at Sammy. He was knocked out, head pressed against the window. Much like when they were younger. Driving hours and hours from state to state, from hunt to hunt. Hell, when Sammy was younger, if he struggled with falling asleep in whatever shitty motel they were holed up in; Dean would get him in the backseat of Baby, cover him with a blanket, and go for a long drive until the kid fell asleep. 

 

Dean sighed. Back when things were simpler.

  
Baby’s clock radio had been out for a week now, he knew he needed to fix it, but they’d had so many other things coming down on them, he hadn’t even thought about it. Dean pulled out his cellphone to check the time and saw there were two voicemails from Mom. He smiled and pressed the device to his ear as he listened, hoping against hope for something good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you fuckers were hoping we'd hook Dean and Max up, amiright? Honestly, if the guy didn't lose his entire fucking family? You could bet your fucking ass that would have went down.


	13. There's Something About Mary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: So, I’m not okay. I’m really really not okay with what happened this episode. I’m fucking sick and goddamn tired of the writers killing off the strong female characters. And the whole Mary thing. And everything overall had me in tears pretty much nonstop. 
> 
> One plus side; I’m excited for rat!Crowley. Downside, Lucifer cannot possibly be that fucking stupid, but apparently, BuckLemming care as much about character accuracy as they do about women. No puff of smoke with his death, I mean; come on! Crowley could have timed it just right, escaping his meatsuit just as the strike happened and filtered away, secretly; then they could have shown the rat following the body later, to give us the same indication or assumption that he’s not actually dead without making any of the demons or Lucifer look utterly stupid and therefore, insulting the rest of us as viewers.
> 
> Fuck them, if they don’t plan on letting any of the female characters live, then just make Destiel canon already. UGH. I’m just… Fuck it all. I hate it all. I’m over it. Here’s your stupid fix it.
> 
> Any here: I don't even know what to say. Bobby, Charlie, Mick, Eileen... And what the fuck is up with the Rat!Crowley? I mean when Luci stabbed the empty corpse, I was like, "Um Luci? You are aware you just stabbed an empty fleshbag, right?"
> 
> On the Destiel front: So when Cas was brainwashed by Naomi to kill Dean, Dean could reach him CUZ THE LOVE IS STRONG IN THEM. When Mary is brainwashed, nothing works.... 
> 
> On the Mary & Ketch side. I wonder if the same thing that happened with Mary, happened with Ketch too. That he wasn't always like that, but the BMOl made him that way. My prediction for next episode is that Lady B will help the Winchesters and shows them a secret way out of the bunker. And that Cas will kill Lucifer, cuz Cas + Nephilim power = more power than an archangel. (Finger's crossed for Cas to come out of this. I miss him so much. And also if they kill him, I rage quit the show.)

**Chapter 13: There's Something About Mary**

 

Dean woke up in a strange place. He looked around, trying to focus his sleep hazed brain on what he was seeing. It was a pretty cozy and expansive bedroom, contemporarily decorated, bland, boring, and pretty grown up. He was in an enormous, king sized bed. Dean bolted upright, looking around now a little more frantically. Maybe this was one of those Djinn situations? Or the fucked up Zachariah-fake-world type of deal? He reached under the bed for a gun, feeling a little anxious that there wasn’t one.

 

There was no one in the bed with him, but the covers were skewed in a way that spoke of there having been more than one person in it at some point. Carefully, he crawled out of the bed. He checked the nightstand drawers for a gun. All he found was a collar, some Astroglide, and a couple of sex toys; but no gun.

 

Something wasn’t right. In that moment, he pinched his arm. No pain.  _ Ah.  _ So he was dreaming. Well, at least he didn’t need to worry about people fucking with him, other than his own subconscious.

 

Dean grabbed a robe and wrapped it around himself as he stepped out of the bedroom. He was instantly greeted with the sound of shuffling from what looked like a kitchen, and the hauntingly folksy voice of Robert Plant. Before he could step further into the room, he was struck dumb by the view from the living room window. They were in a high-rise building, overlooking a skyline of… Was he in Chicago?

 

How the fuck did he dream himself in Chicago? He had no particular love for the place. Hell, they’d only been there that one time, and seeing as it was for a case…

 

When he heard a, “Shit!” and some dishes crashing, he darted straight for the sound of the trouble. As he rounded the counter into the kitchen, Dean was frozen. Cas was dressed in a t-shirt and boxers, hunched over as he picked up pieces of broken glass, muttering to himself about clumsiness.

 

“Cas?” Dean tried to not wince at himself. He hated that the shock caused his voice to crack like a prepubescent boy.

 

Cas looked up at him, face breaking out in a kind and appreciative smile. “Mornin’, handsome. Breakfast’s almost ready…”

 

“Cas, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck happened?”

 

Placing the last of the ceramic fragments into a paper towel in his hand, Cas stood up, looking at Dean in concern. “You okay, baby? What was the last thing you remember?”

 

Dean eyed him warily, unsure of how to approach this.  _ Fuck it.  _ Honesty would have to be his go-to. “You fucked off with Rosemary and her baby after dropping me and Sam.”

 

Cas’s eyes widened as he approached. He raised his hand to Dean’s forehead and Dean automatically ducked it. Last time that shit happened, Cas knocked him out. Dean’s reaction just made Cas’s concern seem even more pronounced. He stepped closer, hands raised in a surrendering gesture. “I just wanted to see if you’re febrile.”

 

Unable to stop himself, Dean scoffed and backed away from him. “Nice try. I’m not buyin’ it.”

 

“Dean?” Cas looked very worried and confused for a moment, “Should I cancel our brunch with Sam and Eileen? Do you need more sleep?”

 

_ Fuck. Dreamland, remember?  _ Dean shook his head, hoping he could play it off, “Uh, no. Sorry. I think I was… I didn’t sleep well.”

 

Cas walked up to him and wrapped his arms around his waist before he could do anything, “You had a bad dream, baby? I’ll make you some coffee, okay? Just sit down and let me clean up this mess.” He kissed Dean’s cheek before he let go of him, going back to grab a dustpan and brush. 

 

Dean moved slowly towards the table, taking a seat, kind of dazedly watching Cas be all domestic. It was fucking weird, considering the same guy presently sweeping up broken glass had also been the same guy who had thrown people through glass. Man, his subconscious was on one tonight. Dean couldn’t believe of all of the things he could dream… Driving a fucking ferrari along the narrow roads of Italy, having sex with  _ all  _ of the playboy bunnies, literally anything else; and this was what his brain came up with?

 

Dean and Cas living in a fucking apartment, playing house? Being a normal couple? Having fucking brunch? He shook his head, he wanted to find out more about dreamland, but he had to be careful. If it was apparent he knew he was dreaming, he might get booted and he was more curious than not. 

 

“I, uh… I kinda forgot, Cas, but why are we having brunch with Sammy and Eileen? Are we celebrating something?”

 

Cas chuckled, “Are you sure you’re awake? It was your idea to celebrate our first month of marriage.”

 

Thank fuck he wasn’t drinking anything yet, because Dean would have taken a legitimate spit-take. Not only were they a couple, they were a  _ married  _ couple? Dean feigned a chuckle, hoping it didn’t sound as nervous as he felt. “Shit. Sorry. It must have slipped my mind.”

 

Cas threw away the pieces of glass and grabbed Dean a coffee, putting it in front of him on the table with a worried look, “You sure you’re alright?”

 

Dean nodded, “Yeah. Sorry, I’m fucked up over the nightmare I had…”

 

“You wanna talk about it?” Cas asked as he sat down across from him. Before he could answer, they were distracted by a soft meowing next to him. Cas stood up again and scooped up a tiny black and white cat. “Hey, baby. Want to help Daddy get over his nightmare?”

 

As Cas walked over and handed him the kitten, Dean instantly softened, staring down at her with a smile. He didn’t care how gay it made him, small fluffy creatures would always make Dean happy. As she started purring, Dean pushed her into the crook of his elbow as he started scratching her head. He chuckled and looked up at Cas, “She’s beautiful.”

 

Cas rubbed the pad of his thumb over Dean’s cheek as he leaned over with a smile, “You’re beautiful.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes, “No chick flick moments…”  _ Shit.  _ Hopefully Dream Dean hated mushy stuff, too.

 

The confused look he was getting in return told a different story, “You love chick flicks.”

 

Dean chuckled and shrugged in acquiescence. While that line of his was a default response, it actually was pretty damn true.  “You're right, I do.” To distract Dream Cas, he twisted his free hand in the guy’s shirt and pulled him into a kiss. Nothing pornographic, just a gentle press of the lips.

 

A paw softly hit against his chin and Cas pulled away with a chuckle, "Someone’s jealous. But she's right. We shouldn't get distracted. Go take a shower and get dressed. Your brother and Eileen should be here soon."

 

Dean nodded and put the kitten on the ground. He was about to make his way to the bedroom when something stopped him. Cas was humming along to ‘Ramble On’ as he was preparing a plate of different fruits. Unable to stop himself, he grabbed Cas by the elbow and pulled him into another kiss. Deeper, longer, more passionate than their first. He swore his heart actually fucking sighed. Dean drew back and at the sort of dazed expression on Cas’s face, he couldn't stop himself before saying, “Fuck, I really do love you.”

 

Cas chuckled, “I know. I love you, too.” He softly slapped Dean’s ass with a grin. “I’ll show you just how much when we’re alone again.” 

 

Dean waggled his eyebrows, “Better. We're still technically in our honeymoon phase, right?”

 

Cas leaned in and lowered his voice, his lips brushing over Dean’s ear, “I think we’ll always be in our honeymoon phase.” 

 

_ Fuck dreaming.  _ Clearly Dean had died and somehow ended up in Heaven. He pressed a kiss to Cas’s cheek and made his way to the bedroom, taking a moment to look at some of the pictures in the hallway. Quite a few of them as teenagers. So, in dreamland he and Cas had been together for a long time...

 

Dean saw one of him and Cas with Mary and John and that made his heart hurt. Also in dreamland, there were a lot of wrongs that had been righted. He shook off the wave of sadness and proceeded to get changed. He'd shower later. He had every intention of spending as much time with Dream Cas he could.

 

His timing was perfect, there was a knock at the door as he exited the bedroom. Dean smiled and called out, “I got it!” When he opened the door to reveal his baby brother, holding hands with Eileen, twin smiles greeting him, he couldn’t help himself. Dean yanked them both into an awkward three person hug, “Fuck, I’m so happy to see you two.”

 

Sam drew back, a bemused expression on his face, “Dude, we saw each other two days ago…”

 

He let out a nervous chuckle and stammered, “I know, I… I’m just… Everything is great, right? I’m married…” Dean took note of the matching wedding bands on their left hands, “You’re married! Life is great!”

 

Eileen laughed and called out to Cas, “Is he drunk?”

 

Cas appeared out of nowhere as he wrapped his arms around Dean from behind and pulled him back a little so Sam and Eileen could come in. “He’s been a little weird since he woke up. Don’t worry. Nothing a few cups of coffee can’t fix.”

 

Eileen signed something to Sam and he laughed.

 

Dean narrowed his eyes at them, “What’s so funny?”

 

Sam quirked his brow and grinned, “She said Cas probably fucked you stupid…”

 

Cas chuckled. “At some point, Eileen, you  _ have  _ to tell me how you’re able to pull off that mind reading thing.”

 

That was met with a broad grin and she signed as she said, “Didn’t I tell you? Being deaf gives me superpowers…”

 

“I knew it!” Cas sighed exaggeratedly. “Come on in and sit down. Coffee is ready and the fruit salad is getting cold.”

 

“You made my favorite salad?” Sam asked in a girly, excited tone.

 

Dean groaned outright, “Is it too late to give you up for adoption?”

 

Sam gave him a bitch face before he turned to look at Cas, “Why did you marry him again?”

 

“The sex is epic,” Cas answered dryly.

 

At that, Dean gave his brother a cocky grin and nod. “See? Who needs to be smart when I’m good in the sack?”

 

“You can be both,” Eileen quipped with a smirk.

 

Dean nodded at her. “Touche.”

 

As they made their way to the table, each of them poking fun at each other, Dean couldn’t help but marvel at the simplistic domesticity of it all.  _ Fuck.  _ He would kill to have his real life be like this dream. Everyone he cared about happy, functioning adults. Not having to live in smelly motels, constantly on guard for whatever thing that goes bump in the night on their fucking heels. Just sitting around a table, eating great food, sharing stories, laughter. Shy glances at Cas, holding his hand under the table because he fucking  _ could.  _

 

Dean kind of hoped he never woke up.

 

When it came time for Eileen and Sam to say their goodbyes, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean from behind and rested his chin on his shoulder. “I always get the feeling you don’t get enough salad at home when you take the leftovers with you, Sam.”

 

Eileen shrugged, “If I had my way, we’d live on burgers and beer.”

 

Dean chuckled, “That’s my girl!”

 

“And that’s why you have Cas and I have Eileen. You both would have died of a heart attack if it wasn’t for us.”

 

Eileen cupped Sam’s face and kissed the tip of his nose before she chastised, “But we would have died  _ happy…” _

 

“But Sam and I would be heartbroken,” Cas added, tightening his grip around Dean. “So you have to deal with the salads.”

 

“Fine…” Dean and Eileen whined at the same time. They looked at each other and laughed. 

 

Sam wrapped his arm around Eileen’s shoulder, “So, we’ll see you next week at Charlie’s gamer night?”

 

The pang of pain that hit him then was substantial. Charlie was alive? They had gamer nights? Whatever the fuck that was? Dean bit his bottom lip and forced a smile. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

 

“Cool, see you then.” Sam smiled and pointed at Cas, “You know you have to – ”

 

“Yes, I know,” Cas sighed deeply. “I’ll bring your salad. You have an addiction, Sam.”

 

Dean regarded his brother for a moment before flicking his ear. “My husband. Not yours.”  _ Damn, did that feel fucking great to say outloud. _

 

Eileen flicked Sam’s other ear, “Damn right.” 

 

They shared a nod of solidarity and Dean reached out for a high five. Eileen grabbed his hand instead of high-fiving it and yanked him forward into a hug. When she drew back, she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Happy one month anniversary.”

 

“Take care of this dumbass, okay?” Dean asked, trying to not feel jealous of his dream life. It wasn’t fucking working.

 

Eileen nodded and yanked Sam forward into a soft kiss. As she drew back, she chuckled and murmured, “Let’s go home.”

 

Just like a stupid, gross, chick flick; they waved at his brother and sister-in-law as they walked down the stairs. As soon as they were out of sight, Cas closed the door and pushed Dean against it, drawing him into a deep kiss. “I’ve wanted to do this for hours now,” he murmured against Dean’s lips.

 

“What was stoppin’ ya’?” he teased as he pulled Cas back for another kiss.

 

Cas chuckled against his lips, pulling him away from the door in the direction of the kitchen, “Because, when I start kissing you, I can’t stop. And it would have been awkward, fucking you on the breakfast table with guests present.”

 

Dean groaned as he yanked his shirt up and off.  _ Please don’t wake up. Please don’t wake up.  _ He repeated in a mantra in his head as he went straight for Cas’s belt buckle. “I’m pretty sure Sam woulda been heartbroken if you messed up the fruit salad by fucking me on it…”

 

Cas pulled off his own shirt before he grabbed Dean and lifted him up in his arms, carrying him to the kitchen table. “And we really didn’t need to see his broken hearted, puppy eyed expression,” Cas murmured as he sat Dean down on the table before he started kissing him again.

 

“Yeah, I vote for not talking about my brother anymore…” Dean growled as Cas trailed lower, biting down on his pulsepoint. 

 

Cas pushed Dean’s back against the table, his hands opening his jeans swiftly, pulling them down with his boxers, before he got rid of his own pants. He leaned over Dean, kissing him again, before his lips wandered down Dean's chest towards his stomach.

 

_ Fuck.  _ Dream Cas was just as aggressive and dominating as real life Cas. Was it possible to fall in love with two versions of the same person? Angel? Whatever. But, the huge plus side of dream sex? Shit like pain didn’t exist. Dean growled, “If you don’t get your dick in me soon, I’ll go fuck one of the toys in our room…”

 

Cas grinned up at him and murmured, “Someone’s impatient,” before he wrapped his lips around Dean’s erection.

 

_ And oh, fuck.  _ Those lips around his cock. It was beautifully sinful to watch as well as feel. And it hurt. Yeah, physical pain might not exist in this perfect little dream world, but his heart... The emotional hurt seemed to still reach him. The first thought that came to mind was how much he wanted his Cas back.  _ Fuck.  _ He had forbidden himself from thinking about Cas since the breakup. But he could only lie to himself for so long. 

 

When he felt two lubed fingers pushing into him, Dean let out a soft gasp. A stupid voice in his head wondered where Cas suddenly got the lube from, before he remembered that this was all a dream.

 

Dean arched into the touch, a needy moan escaped. Thank fuck pleasure still seemed to be a thing in dreams. He would have been pissed if he didn't get to come while Dream Cas fucked him. “Baby, fuck prep, just get on me already…”

 

Cas groaned, kissing the side of Dean's knee before he removed his fingers and lubed himself up. Without hesitation, he slowly pushed his dick inside, before he wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him up into a frenetic kiss. One hand fell to his hip as he started to fuck him. "I love you so much, Dean," he murmured against his lips.

 

“Fuck…” Dean moaned, undulating his hips into the amazing rocking motion. “I love you, too. Sorry I never said it…”

 

For a moment Cas looked confused before he started to fuck him harder, breathy moans escaping with each thrust.  _ Fuck.  _ He looked so beautiful losing himself to pleasure, moaning his name over and over, “Dean… Dean…”

 

_ Dean... Dean... _

 

“Dean!” 

 

Dean’s eyes shot open. Suddenly, he was back in his room in the bunker, his brother’s concerned face hovering over him. “Fuck!” He moved to sit up and shoved Sam away, “I’m awake, you dick.”

 

Sam was taken aback for a moment before he carefully said, “Alright, sorry. You sounded like you were having a nightmare.” 

He shook his head at Sam in confusion, “Why would you think that?”

 

“Because you were groaning and repeating Cas’s name.”

 

_ Fuck.  _ Well, he couldn’t really tell his brother he wasn’t groaning Cas’s name, he was moaning it. Dean waved his hand dismissively, “Yeah, well, it was just a dream. That why you woke me up?”

 

“No. I found the location of the motel Mom last stayed at. So get dressed.”

 

“Alright, alright.” Dean nodded, kicking the sheets off. He shook his head of the daze the dream had caused. He really hoped they had coffee left. 

 

The dream had really fucked him up. Not just because, even in sleep his brother was a cock block, but the whole reality of it. The possibilities. Sammy happily married to Eileen. Dean and Cas playing house. It was weird how badly he wanted that to be real. How badly he wanted both him and his brother to have a normal fucking life. They had spent so many years avoiding it because it just wasn’t likely in their line of work. But Dean was damn tired of not taking chances anymore.

 

Just as Sam was about to leave he grabbed him by the elbow to halt him. “Sammy. Promise me. After all this shit is over… Promise me you’ll man up and ask out Eileen.”

  
Sam gave him an almost shy smile before he rolled his eyes and looked away. “Maybe I’ll do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: Just FYI: since the final two episodes are back to back next week; we will do our best to finish chapter 14 within the week time frame as you have grown accustomed, but for the finale episode, we can’t make any promises. It just depends on how much we have to fucking fix. Fuck, here’s to hoping they don’t completely fuck everything up. But after this episode, I don’t know anymore.
> 
> Also, yeah, so we went with a copout for this chapter, because goddamn it, we both needed fluff after that. Motherfuckers. But also, uh. Sorry. We’re dicks. We know. But you fuckers watch Supernatural, so you pretty much do this shit to yourselves anyway. Gluttons for punishment and all that. So, sorry? If it makes you guys feel any better, it broke our hearts too writing this.
> 
> Any here:
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. GUYS. We ask you PLEASE PLEASE, do not comment on this fic with comments about the final two episodes until we've posted the chapters. I'm on the west coast, so I have a three hour delay; and Any is in fucking Europe and has a ten hour delay; we never mentioned it before, but we've gotten spoiled by your comments and we really really don't want to be spoiled for the last two episodes. 
> 
> LOVE YOU GUYS.


	14. Who We Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: Just no. Here's the fix it.
> 
> Any here: ...

**Chapter 14: Who We Are**

 

_ We're done. Don’t get me wrong you're always gonna be family. You can always come back here. Back home. But you and I? We're done. We were done when you tried to give me back the mixtape. That’s what that was, wasn’t it? You were breaking up with me. You just couldn’t man up and say it to me in person. Well, let me make it easy for you. I can't do this anymore. And you obviously don't love me the way you say you do. Not that that matters anymore. So we’re done Cas.  _

 

Cas leaned his head against the backdoor as he blinked against the sun, his cell phone in his hand. He had read Dean’s message over and over, but it hadn’t stopped hurting. Deep down, he knew it was all for the best. That their relationship never had a chance to go anywhere. Dean was better off without him.

 

And still there was this selfish, loud and thunderous voice inside of him, wanting to make things with Dean right again. The desire to kiss him, to be intimate with him again. He missed the way Dean made him feel, how close they became, how he had let him in.

 

He could practically see the walls around Dean’s heart being erected again when he read those pained words. Dean would  _ never  _ give him another chance. Cas was certain he had ruined what they shared forever.

 

He kept repeating the words, “It’s for the best,” in a mantra, over and over in his head, but it sounded hollow and empty. As though he didn’t really believe them. But he needed to do this for himself, to feel like an angel again. 

 

Kelly had faith in him, she trusted him with this important mission and he already felt so much better since having agreed to take care of her. To aid her in the birth of the Nephilim. 

 

The birds chirped around him and he followed their flight over the beautiful lake. It was so serene and peaceful here. Something he had seen in the Nephilim’s –  _ Jack’s  _ – vision. He felt the power from him, his intent, and it reminded him of something he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

 

It reminded him of the way he used to be. At peace in his heart, without any fear or doubt, believing in a higher purpose. Back then he never made mistakes, he had never disappointed someone or betrayed someone’s trust. That seemed so long ago now.

 

There was no going back to that time, but he remembered Mary’s words to him. That she would do anything for her boys, anything so they could live in a better world. And Cas wanted that, too. He wanted Dean to be happy and free from pain. After everything Dean and Sam had gone through in their short lives, they deserved all of the happiness in the world. Cas wanted to give that to them, no matter the consequences for his own life.

 

The door behind him opened and Kelly let out a deep sigh before she moved to sit down next to him. “There you are.”

 

Cas gave her a worried look. “Did you need anything? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you calling. I was distracted.”

 

She shook her head and gave him a soft smile. “Nothing important. I was feeling lonely.” Kelly turned to face him a little more. “Thank you, Castiel. In case I forget, I wanted you to know how grateful I…  _ we  _ are for you.”

 

Cas gave her a soft smile before he looked out at the lake again. "I wish I could do more for you... You're an incredibly strong and brave woman, Kelly."

 

Rubbing her hand over her bump, she smiled and rested her head against Cas’s shoulder. “I just want him safe. That’s all.”

 

Cas nodded slowly, his heart aching in solidarity. “I know that feeling.”

 

“The Winchesters?” she asked. Though it was likely a rhetorical question, he couldn’t be certain. Cas still struggled with intonation.

 

He looked down at his cell phone. “Dean.”

 

Kelly nodded her head, which was still pressed against his shoulder. “He’s special to you, isn’t he?”

 

Cas sighed deeply, before he squinted his eyes at the lake. "I love him."

 

“And what about him?”

 

Cas gave her a half shrug before he looked down at his phone again. Pulling open his texts to look at the message, it was fast becoming an anchor that gave him the strength he needed to stay away. "We broke up."

 

“I’m sorry, Castiel…” Kelly reached over to grasp his hand.

 

Cas squeezed it before he watched the birds again. "I miss him and I can't stop thinking about him, even though I should." He turned to face Kelly. "I’ve never been in a relationship before. Will this ever stop hurting?"

 

Kelly let out a soft, mirthless laugh. “No. It will never stop hurting as long as you live. But one day, maybe… It won’t hurt as much.”

 

Cas raised his eyebrows and tilted his head. “I was afraid you would say that.” He shook his head slightly. “But I deserve it. I hurt him so much. I shouldn’t complain.”

 

Kelly sat up then, regarding Cas for a moment. “What did  _ he  _ want, Castiel?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

She started rubbing a soothing circle over the top of his hand. “It sounds like you made the decision to end it, because you don’t think you’re good enough for him. But what did  _ he  _ think? Did he think you were good enough?”

 

Cas gave her a sad smile. "Yes. I believe so."

 

“Doesn’t what he thinks count?”

 

Cas looked down, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. A way to answer her question.  "There’s no easy answer to that, Kelly. There were things I needed to do, choices I had to make. And although I didn't mean to, I always ended up hurting him. I couldn't continue doing that to him."

 

Kelly gently cupped his chin to tilt his head back up. “Don’t you think he should have been given a choice?”

 

"I honestly don't know. But it doesn't matter anymore. He told me... that we're done." It hurt even more saying it out loud.

 

With a soft sigh, Kelly drew him into a sideways hug. “Damn. I’m sorry.”

 

“Thank you,” he whispered before he leaned back. “Do you want to take a walk around the lake? It’s a nice day.”

 

She nodded. “I’d like that.”

 

Cas held his hand out to her to help her up. It would do both of them good to take a walk. Hopefully it would distract him from thinking about Dean. He pocketed his phone with a deep sigh. The chances for that were slim though.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

After the emotional and fucked up day they’d all had, when Mary, Sam, and Dean finally let go of each other, they tentatively parted. Sam called dibs on the shower and Mom went to the kitchen to grab a beer. Dean was just tired. Emotionally and physically exhausted, from the fight. From cleaning up the dead bodies. From everything.

 

As he hobbled his way to his room, Dean stopped and looked down the hall. To where Cas’s room was. He hadn’t stepped inside of Cas’s room since the last time they were together. It was as though his body moved of its own free will, ignoring any protests from Dean. 

 

When he reached the door, the urge to knock was overwhelming. He scoffed at himself and pushed the door open. It was perfectly tidy. You wouldn’t believe anyone lived in this room apart from the few personal items. A framed picture. A television. And that’s when he noticed it. A small, black, rectangle shape on Cas’s pillow.

 

Dean shook his head, lip trembling with the threat of tears. “You asshole.” He made his way into the room, snatching up the mix tape from the pillow and breaking it in half, ripping out the wire before throwing it at the wall. The shattering of plastic was a satisfying sound, but not satisfying enough. 

 

He grabbed one of the lamps from the nightstand and threw it across the room, not even blinking at the loud and shattering sound of ceramic and glass practically exploding with the force of it. There was a framed picture on the chest of drawers. One of him and Sam. That was next. 

 

When every single breakable thing in Cas’s room had been destroyed, Dean collapsed against the bed, pulling the pillow to his chest as he tried to steady his breathing. He was so angry. But more than that, he was fucking heartbroken. Dean missed Cas. More than he ever thought possible. And not just Cas the angel, or Cas his best friend, but Cas… his boyfriend. 

 

There was a gentle clearing of a throat and he bolted upright. His mom was standing in the doorway, giving him one of those damnable pitying looks. Dean put the pillow back against the headboard and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. “This isn’t what it looks like…”

 

“What do you think it looks like?” Mary asked softly before she sat next to him on the bed.

 

Dean rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how to answer. He shrugged. “Like a temper tantrum?”

 

Mary bent forward and picked up the photo from the ground, almost lovingly wiping the dust from it. “Then you’re right. It didn’t look like that.” She held the photo towards him with a questioning look. “What happened?” 

 

“Cas eloped with Rosemary and her goddamn baby after dropping us…” he spat.  _ Fuck.  _ He was still so fucking angry.

 

She nodded slowly. “I heard. So why are you redecorating his–” She stopped mid-sentence, clearly distracted as her gaze fell on something on the ground. Mary stood up and picked it up. “Was this a mix-tape?”

 

“Was…” He affirmed, letting out a deep sigh.

 

She sat down next to him again after dropping what was left of the mixtape back on the floor, giving him a long, contemplative look. “Your Dad made me one of those once. All of my favorite Led Zeppelin songs.”

 

_ Damn.  _ Why did that make Dean want to cry? He took a deep breath, trying not to fucking do  _ exactly  _ that. With a shrug, he stared down at the brown wires crumpled up around pieces of black plastic. “Cas didn’t know what good music was, so I did the same thing…”

 

Mary gave him a soft smile as she quirked her brow. "You made it for him?"

 

Dean nodded and returned his attention back to the broken mixtape. “Yeah. My favorite Zepp songs. Tryin’ to make him see there was more to life than Beyonce.”

 

“You couldn’t put the songs on his phone thingy?” She asked with a slight grin.

 

_ Damnit.  _ Couldn’t put anything past his mom apparently. That’s what made her such a good hunter. Well, there was no point in trying to deny it. He was too tired for that anyway. Dean let out a mirthless chuckle. “No. He  _ deserved  _ a mixtape.”

 

She nodded with a smile before she quietly said, “Dean. I don't know if you know this... but when you were in that damn prison and we had no clue how to find you... Castiel... he was devastated. I didn't get a chance to spend much time with him. But I hope in the future I can get to know him better. Maybe it doesn't look like it at the moment, but I believe he really cares about you."

 

“He loves me,” he confessed. Saying the words out loud to someone… To someone he trusted and cared about. It was freeing and heart shattering, all at the same time. “He…  _ loved  _ me,” Dean corrected.

 

To his surprise, Mary didn’t even blink. “What happened?”

 

Maybe they weren’t as sneaky and subtle as they had originally thought. “He left and I…” Dean shook his head, biting his bottom lip to stop its trembling. “I ended it, because I wanted to do it before he broke up with me.”

 

Mary wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. "What made you think he wanted to break up with you?”

 

Dean grasped onto his mother, not realizing how much he had needed something like this. Comfort. A shoulder to cry on. His mom. “He tried to give it back. And when I refused, he left it here. Kind of why I went Incredible Hulk on his stuff.”

 

"I'm so sorry, Dean. Do you have any idea why he reacted like that? I somehow find it hard to believe that he just stopped having feelings for you."

 

He shrugged and shook his head. “No idea. He just stopped responding to my texts, calls. Shows up one day like he hadn’t ghosted us. Made me fucking think he was staying for good this time… And stole the Colt to kill, but then rescue Kelly and the nephilim. Before disappearing on us… On  _ me  _ again. I just… You don’t do that shit to people you love…”

 

Mary sighed deeply before she quietly said, "Sometimes people do a lot of shit out of love. Maybe you don't know the whole story? I mean, Castiel isn't really a big talker."

 

Dean scoffed. “That’s the understatement of the goddamn century.” After a beat of silence, he confessed, “But he was different when we were alone.  _ I  _ was different. We both could talk to each other.”

 

Mary leaned back a little. "But there was something in his heart he couldn't tell you. Otherwise you would know why he did what he did."

 

“Maybe. Fuck, Mom. I wish he was here. I wanna talk to him.” The tears he’d been holding back suddenly gave way. Dean wiped them away angrily with the sleeve of his shirt.

 

His mom drew him into another hug, soothingly rubbing over his back. "I'm sure you'll both work through this as soon as we find him… Do you want me to make you a hot chocolate? That always worked when you were a kid."

 

Dean chuckled and moved to rest his head in her lap. “Will you sing your favorite Beatles song instead?”

 

That was met with a soft chuckle as she carded her fingers through Dean’s hair and quietly started singing, ‘Hey, Jude’.

  
As his eyes fluttered closed, he lost himself in the comfort of his mom’s soft voice, lulling him into a calmness and sense of peace with the aid of the lyrics of John Lennon and Paul McCartney. He wouldn’t give up. They got their mom back. Dean wouldn’t rest until they got Cas back, too.


	15. All Along the Watchtower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankie here: I know a lot of you look forward to our notes. Maybe even more so than the fic, but I’ll let that shit slide. Anyway, here’s the fucking deal, we wrote the c14 fix it, heart broken, bereft, both a little done with SPN, but wanting to give you guys SOMETHING. We couldn’t even be bothered with notes or fleshed out comments.
> 
> Now, I’m not going to apologize for that or anything. We liked what we wrote for that chapter and I think we should all be allowed to cope however we need to. So, what you didn’t get in the last chapter? Oh, yeah. You’re getting it now. 
> 
> First and foremost: ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME, SPN WRITERS, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????? 12 hours, motherfuckers. I was still sobbing 12 hours later. And crazy attachment to fictional characters aside, I did not cope well.
> 
> And I’m sorry, considering a large portion of this fucking fandom (and probably safe to say fandom in general) is comprised of people who struggle with mental health issues, ON WHAT FUCKING PLANET WAS IT A GOOD IDEA TO KILL OFF TWO BELOVED MAIN CHARACTERS??? And in such a fucking shocking and heartbreaking way, too. Like, seriously. In my opinion, that was pretty goddamn irresponsible of them. You suffer from depression? Huh. Let’s kill half the main cast in the finale episode and see what happens! Yeah, fucking assholes.
> 
> Thank fuck for Jared Padalecki’s big mouth and JIBcon is all I have to say about that.
> 
> Honestly, I could rant and rave all day, but I’m not going to. I genuinely loved the final two episodes. Unnecessary deaths aside, there was amazingly powerful performances, some beautiful references, homages, throwbacks, you name it. Overall, it was incredibly well done and I feel like I’m saying that from my now safe bubble of CAS WILL BE BACK, so I feel more confident. But honestly, even if that was still up in the air, I could objectively say the episodes were amazing and SOMEBODY HAND JENSEN ACKLES A GODDAMN EMMY ALREADY. Ahem. Anyway. Here’s the fix it. Hope you like it!
> 
> Any here: All of the above.
> 
> Frankie to Any: You fucking cheat. :p 
> 
> Any: I write a monosyllabic character most of the time. He just rubs off on me.
> 
> Frankie: I call bullshit, I write an ineloquent, gruff, “feelings are dumb” character. :p I wish mine would rub off on me. And yes, that’s a double entendre.
> 
> Any: o.o
> 
> Frankie: 8=D~
> 
> Any: Did you just draw a penis with numbers and characters?
> 
> Frankie: I did. Apparently my character’s maturity level is the only thing that’s rubbed off on me.
> 
> Any: I think we wrote too much smut in the last few weeks.
> 
> Frankie: Is that a thing? Too much smut? 
> 
> Any: Yeah, mmmhh, no I don’t think so, but we should let our poor readers read the story now.
> 
> Frankie: Half these fuckers only read this fic for our notes. But you’re right. Enjoy the penis. I mean fic. Enjoy the fic.

**Chapter 15: All Along the Watchtower**

 

Everything was supposed to be okay. He got his mom back. They were going to seal Lucifer in another dimension. They were going to help Cas figure out what to do with the nephilim. Cas…

 

Dean collapsed to his knees, in front of the body of the angel he'd fallen in love with. Sure, he'd seen Cas die more times than he cared to count, but never like this. Never with the burned outline of his wings marring the ground beneath them.

 

Never with such a  _ finality  _ to it.

 

Never after he'd come to the realization he was in love with the guy. 

 

And in one swift move everything was yanked from Dean. His mom. Cas. Thank fuck Sammy made it through. Dean knew if his brother hadn't made it, he wouldn't have even hesitated to swallow the barrel of his sig. 

 

He chuckled mirthlessly and shook his head as he stared down at that lifeless face. Turning to look up at the sky for a moment, Dean scoffed. “Fuck you, Chuck. Fuck  _ you.” _

 

Returning his attention to the angel at his side, Dean leaned forward, cupping Cas’s face. “You can never stand down to save your own ass, can you?”

 

He angrily wiped away the tear that managed to escape with his free hand, not wanting to let Cas go. “You stupid son of a bitch. You weren't supposed to die on me. You weren't supposed to abandon me.”

 

Unable to stop them, Dean’s vision blurred with the welling of tears that overwhelmed him. He shook his head, a vain attempt at shaking off the grief that was slowly beginning to consume him. “I'm gonna get you back. If it's the last thing I fucking do. I promise you, Cas. I promise I'll bring you back and I'll fucking tell you I love you. Not this asshole ‘I trust you’ shit. But that I  _ love  _ you.”

 

Pressing a kiss to his angel’s lips, Dean drew back, taking a deep breath to hold in his sob. “You were the best friend I ever had, Castiel. The fucking best.” He took his jacket sleeve to wipe the wetness from Cas’s face, the wetness of his own tears being smeared by his trembling lips. 

 

Moving to sit back against his heels, Dean grasped Cas’s hand, finding it difficult to even breathe. If this was a fairy tale, Cas’s eyelids would flutter open after his kiss and they'd be reunited. Dean’s heart broke that much more when reality proved otherwise. Not that he was so naive to think true love’s kiss would wake the angel.

 

It sure would have been nice, though. He looked up to where the rift had been. Where his mother was now trapped. In a dystopian world with Lucifer.  _ Fuck.  _ So much awful shit in such a short fraction of time. At least she had Bobby. He hoped she'd be okay until they found a way to rescue her.

 

There had to be.  _ Had  _ to be a way to get his mom back. Had to be a way to bring Cas back. Dean was done with the universe fucking up his and Sammy’s shots at happiness. They deserved a chance. They  _ all  _ did.

 

Holding Cas’s lifeless hand, Dean pulled it to his lips, pressing a kiss to each knuckle. “I don't know what happens to angels when they die. But if you can hear me. If you can hear what I'm saying, hold on, okay? I'm gonna get you back. I promise and when I do we can do all the stupid human shit you wanted to try. Dates. The ocean. We'll fucking open a little B&B in Vermont where you can farm bees or whatever the fuck it is you do with bees; if that’s what you want. After we rescue Mom, I  _ promise  _ we'll do it all. I love you, Castiel.”

 

“Dean?”

 

He couldn't even bring himself to look at his brother. Refusing to let go of Cas’s hand, Dean sighed and murmured, “They’re gone, Sammy.”

 

Sam kneeled down next to him, “Dean… I… don’t even know what to say…” He pulled Dean into his arms. “I… I heard what you said.”

 

Numbness, he'd give anything for the numbness of grief to kick in already. “I never even fucking  _ told  _ him.” Dean bit his lip to stop its treacherous trembling. His eyes never strayed from Cas’s face even as he clung to his brother.

 

"I'm sure he knew, Dean. He..." Sam's voice just broke before he drew Dean into a tighter hug.

 

And like a dam crumbling, Dean couldn't hold back any longer. As the tears threatened to drown him in his misery, he buried his face in the crook of Sam’s neck. “Everything was finally going good for us!”

 

"I know... Mom... Cas... I..." Sam took in a deep breath before he continued, "But fuck. We have to keep it together, Dean. The nephilim, he's in his room and he's not a baby... And we need to do something, so we can work on how to get them back."

 

Dean drew back and shook his head. “I can’t… I can’t leave him, Sammy…”

 

“We’ll bring him with–” Sam looked back to the house when they heard the back door open. The nephilim, Jack, took a few tentative steps outside. He was completely nude and already looked like a young adult. Sam stood up slowly, shrugging off his shirt as he carefully approached him, holding up his hands in pseudo servility, like the kid was a potentially frightened or dangerous animal. “Hey, Jack…” 

 

Jack tilted his head and looked past him to where Dean was kneeling next to Cas. He frowned as he walked up to them, kneeling down on the other side of Cas’s body. 

 

As the kid, young adult, whatever the hell he was, reached out to touch Cas, Dean instinctively leaned forward to try and halt him, being held back by Sam. “Whoa, whoa. The hell do you think you’re doin’?” If that kid fucked with Cas’s body in any way, most powerful being in the universe or not, Dean wouldn’t even hesitate clocking him.

 

The nephilim looked up, a tear falling from bright, blue eyes as he quietly asked, “Castiel… Where?”

 

Dean was taken aback. He may have looked like an adult, but he seemed to be a frightened fucking child. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Jack as another tear slipped from his own eyes. Dean carded his hand through Cas’s hair and shook his head. “Castiel’s… Cas…” He couldn’t even bring himself to say it outloud.

 

Jack took Dean's hand and laid it over Cas's heart, tilting his head again as another tear fell from his eyes. "He's gone."

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Space. Time. Eternity. It was the first thing Castiel was aware of when he spread his wings into the light. He no longer had a vessel, just floating in a white nothingness as he wondered what had happened. 

 

That’s when he suddenly realized, he had been here before. How could he forget? This was where angels went in death. Limbo.

 

The last thing he remembered was seeing Dean’s and Sam’s faces, relieved at seeing him make it back through the rift. Which was shortly followed by pain and the faint echo of his name being screamed by the one human he loved more than anything else in the universe. 

 

He had died.

 

Logic dictated that Lucifer must have killed him, which meant that Sam and Dean were in danger. That their plan to trap him had failed and he was back on Earth. Desperation overwhelmed him. He  _ had  _ to find a way to save them. He needed to go back.

 

He suspected that the last two times he had been here, his father had resurrected him. But there had to be another way. Maybe an escape hatch. Like in Purgatory.  _ Something. _

 

That's when he could feel it. Dean calling out for him. He could feel the overwhelming shock, anger, desperation, and loss. The accusation, that turned into desperate longing when Dean told him that he loved him, that he would do  _ everything  _ to bring him back. Him and Mary.

 

It was too much all at once. Cas suddenly realized that Dean hadn't just lost him, he had also lost his mother. 

 

The pain he felt was overwhelming, a combination of Dean's and his own desperation that was on the verge of driving him mad. He  _ needed  _ to go back. 

 

Travelling through the expanse Cas could feel the thoughts and intent of other angels in the distance. So many voices that suddenly streamed into his consciousness. So many of them were dead because of him, and they knew he was here now.

 

He was taken aback when he could feel Inias's voice as the other angel approached him, wrapping his wings around him as he greeted Cas.

 

_ Inias, you died? _

 

He drew back, his voice soothing and calm as he answered,  _ I did. It's a long story. _

 

_ I’m sorry. _ Cas felt overwhelmed with all of the loss he felt in that moment. So many of his friends had died. The only ones left had been Sam and Dean… who were now in grave danger. Lucifer wouldn’t hesitate to kill them.

 

_ Inias, is there any way to get back to Earth? Lucifer is about to destroy it, bent on starting the apocalypse again.  _

 

He, first and foremost, cared about Dean’s life, but he didn’t know if Inias would understand. Although, he knew his friend could feel that he wasn’t telling him everything.

 

_ Yeah, baby bro. Just click your heels three times and say, “there’s no place like home.” _

 

_ Gabriel!  _ Cas felt overjoyed seeing the archangel again. His wings, shining in bright amber light, wrapping everything in a soothing warmth. Only then did he realize how much he had missed Heaven, how much he missed feeling his brothers like this again. Being connected to them on such a level.

 

He had been afraid of the other angels, having become acclimated and accepting of his exile, of his guilt, and the hatred from his former family… He really didn’t expect such a warm welcome. Hannah joined them soon afterwards and he embraced her with joy before he could feel the presence of another angel. One he believed he would never see again. 

 

Balthazar. Cas turned to him, slowly, tentatively speaking his name.

 

_ It's good to see you again, Cassie. _

 

Cas floated closer, unable to look at his friend. _ I don’t know how… I killed you. There are no words for how much I regret having betrayed you like that. _

 

_ Words aren't necessary. I still like you more than Titanic.  _ The way he chuckled echoed around them and suddenly he was awash in Balthazar’s embrace.

 

He clung to his friend, still in disbelief that Balthazar seemed to have forgiven him. As he drew back he looked at them all.  _ I missed all of you. _

 

_ Should've kept missing us. Earth needs you.  _ He'd never heard Gabriel sound so serious before.

 

There was a chorus of echoing of Gabriel’s sentiment. Not just from his immediate friends, but dozens of angels surrounding him. All affirming that Castiel was needed elsewhere.

 

It was overwhelming to feel the faith of so many of his brethren directed at him.  _ But Lucifer killed me… again. Is there any way for me to go back? _

 

Gabriel chuckled as he enveloped Castiel in his wings.  _ Been biding my time, waiting for the right moment. But I think this is better off in your wings. _

 

A warmth reached out to Cas then, circling and tying in with his grace. It was Gabriel’s own grace. Suddenly shockwaves of electricity collided with his wavelength, creating a buzzing noise that was almost deafening. Sensations of heat and cold tingled through his essence. They were connected in a way he’d never experienced. It was everything and nothing. Up and down. Everywhere. Cas would have gasped had he been capable of breathing. And just as suddenly as it happened, it was gone.

 

As Gabriel pulled away, he let out a satisfied hum.  _ You see, Castiel. Archangels only  _ **_choose_ ** _ to stay dead. We are all at peace here. We don't have to worry about grudges or confusion or whatever other shit we had to put up with in Heaven, or on Earth.   _

 

_ I still feel all of that. The pain, the confusion, the loss.  _ Cas admitted slowly, looking at Gabriel with a questioning expression.

 

_ That's because you don't belong here. You're needed on Earth.  _ It was Hannah then, affirming what they were all echoing.

 

_ How would I get back? I’m not an archangel. _

 

A wave of colors flashed as Gabriel laughed.  _ You are now, Castiel. I just transferred my grace to you. Think of it as a celestial STD. _

 

Cas tried to feel the new power within him before he tilted his head at Gabriel.  _ You're joking. Is that even possible? _

 

_ I hope to hell it is, otherwise we just bad touched each other for no reason.  _ Gabriel emanated a contentment, a wash of affection for Cas.  _ Get your ass back to where you belong. _

 

Cas didn’t know what to say. He just looked at all of them before he wrapped Gabriel in an embrace. _ Thank you.  _

 

He turned to look at all of his other friends.  _ Thank you, all of you.  _

 

Balthazar, Inias, and Hannah all moved to surround him, enveloping him in their wavelengths, emitting their hope and faith for Castiel. Wishing him luck, wishing him well, wishing him a good life. 

 

He would miss them and he would have loved to have spent more time with them, but at the same time, the need to go back was overwhelming.

 

Cas tried to get a handle on his new power, feeling it humming through his essence like an intense natural force. He could almost touch the fabric of time and space, experiencing how they were connected, all of the universes within reach, humming in a parallel harmony together.

 

_ Hey, Cas?  _ Gabriel called out.

 

Castiel turned around with a questioning expression.  _ Yes? _

 

_ Tell Sam and Dean I said “Hi.” _

 

Cas smiled at him.  _ Of course. _

 

He concentrated on the walls, where realities bled over because the veil there was thin and had cracks in it. A crack he could use to get home. Since time and space had no relevance in Limbo, it didn't matter at which point in time he jumped back into his vessel. He chose the moment before Lucifer killed him, so he could push him back through the rift. This way he could save Mary and Dean would never experience the loss, wouldn't have to feel the pain of both he and Mary being ripped from his life.

 

He extended his new wings outward, wings that weren't only just healed, but had grown in size with his additional powers. He had done jumps in time before, but now that he could feel time's flow, finally getting to feel it instead of just seeing it, how it's net weaved itself in every direction of space, he felt more than ready. With a final look back to the angels, Cas pushed his wings forcefully down, flying back to his family.

 

When Cas blinked physical, flesh eyelids, Dean’s look of relief was the first sight that met his gaze. In that moment he realized he’d been successful. He’d just come back through the rift. Which meant…

 

Cas sidestepped, anticipating the blade that unceremoniously pierced the air between himself and Lucifer. He scowled and charged the archangel; all of the fury, hatred, and loathing he felt for the creature before him fueling his strength. Cas grabbed the wrist that clung to the blade. He took the temporary shock and surprise to forcibly bend Lucifer’s wrist upwards, the cracking of his vessel’s radius and ulna bones fracturing from the force of it.

 

He walked them back towards the rift. “Stay away from my family!” Cas used his grip on Lucifer’s hand to thrust the blade up through his skull. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t garner a semblance of pleasure from the way red eyes flashed and dimmed.

 

The blow wouldn’t kill Lucifer. At this point, Cas doubted anything  _ could.  _ But it would put him in enough of an altered mental state that he likely wouldn’t realize what happened until it was too late. Cas grasped him by the collar of his shirt and shoved the archangel back through the rift, pulling back in just enough time to not get sucked in.

 

In an instant, he darted for Dean and Sam, shoving them back towards the house, taking a protective stance in front of them as they watched the rift start to thin. To flicker into nothingness.

 

Dean breathed out an amazed sounding, “Fuck... That was badass.”

 

He had done it. Cas took in a deep breath and asked, “Is Mary still with you?”

 

Sam and Dean gave him twin looks of confusion. Sam shrugged. “She’s with Kelly… You know that.”

 

“Nevermind,” Cas breathed out before he sank to his knees. He had really done it.

 

Dean knelt down in front of him and yanked him into a hug. “You’re a fucking dumbass. What if you got stuck in there with him?” He drew back, his shoulders sagging in legitimate relief dispelling any thought the hunter was upset with him.  

 

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him closer, burying his face between Dean’s shoulder and throat. “I’m sorry. I’m  _ so  _ sorry.”

 

“Hey, hey…” he soothed, carding his hand through Cas’s hair. “You got out of there. You came back… That’s all that matters.”

 

Cas closed his eyes and pulled him even tighter. Dean was right. It didn’t matter that Dean couldn’t remember those moments from when he thought he had lost Cas. When he had confessed that he loved him. Cas had been given a second chance now. They  _ both  _ had been given a second chance. He wouldn’t waste it. “I came back in more ways than you can imagine.”

 

Dean drew back, a confused smile on his face. Before he could respond, Sam draped himself over both of them in an embrace and proclaimed, “I can’t believe he’s finally gone!”

 

Cas drew back from Dean, remembering that his hug with the human had gone on for longer than was probably appropriate considering their situation. He distracted himself by looking back to the tear that was gone now. Gone to the visible eye, but he could sense rifts in the fabric of time and space. They weren’t big enough for anything to come through, but it didn’t mean they couldn’t get bigger over time. Especially if someone knew how to make them bigger. “Hopefully,” he breathed out.

 

He looked back at the house. “How’s Kelly?”

 

“Shit!” Dean and Sam yelled at the same time, making a move to dart back into the house.

 

As soon as Cas asked that question he could already feel it. Kelly was dead. Jack had been born. He could feel his raw power emanating from the house. Cas would miss her, she had become a friend over the course of the last few weeks and the only solace he had was that he knew she would now be at peace in Heaven.

 

When he reached the bedroom, shortly behind Dean and Sam, Mary was sitting next to her on the bed, gently palming her eyelids closed.

 

He sighed deeply, turning away from her to slowly walk in the direction of Jack’s bedroom. He could feel confusion and the quiet voice of a prayer in his direction.

 

“Jack?” He carefully asked when he moved to enter his room. 

 

Not realizing Dean was right behind him, he was surprised to feel a strong, sturdy hand brace against his chest. “Wait, Cas… Look.” He pointed in the direction of the corner of the room, next to the crib.

 

Golden eyes met his as the boy looked up. To his surprise Jack was already a young adult,  _ not  _ an infant. It appeared that a Nephilim fathered by an archangel adhered to different rules than a normal angel/human hybrid. He tried calling his name again, “Jack?”

 

Dean’s grip on him tightened as he gently tried to urge him back.

 

Jack slowly stood up, tilting his head at Cas. His voice quiet and unsure as he asked, “Castiel?”

 

Cas nodded, trying to step closer, but Dean was still holding him back. “Yes, it’s me.”

 

“You feel different.” Jack seemed thoroughly confused.

 

Cas turned back to Dean, giving him an imploring look. “Let me go to him. Don’t worry.”

 

“You’re kidding, right? Kid torched a Prince of Hell in the womb. You think I’m letting you anywhere near it…” Dean didn’t sound angry, he sounded terrified.

 

Before Cas could say anything, Jack slowly stepped forward, looking up at Dean with big blue eyes. “My  _ name  _ is Jack. Not ‘it’. My mother gave me that name.”

 

Dean looked at Cas in bewilderment. Darting a glance between Cas and Jack, he finally nodded and drew his arm back. Cas caught the way his hand hovered near his hip. Ready to grab his gun should there be a need.

 

Cas gave Dean a pointed look and shook his head slightly, even though he knew it wouldn’t change anything. He slowly walked towards Jack. “You will need different clothes.”

 

Jack squinted his eyes at him before he reached out and touched Cas’s shoulder. “Are you really Castiel?”

 

Cas smiled at Jack and covered his hand with his. “Yes. Just with more power than before. I’m still the one that promised to look after you, like your mother wanted.”

 

Jack nodded, looking down suddenly. “I feel sad.”

 

Cas sighed deeply before he decided to wrap his arms around the young man and draw him close. “I understand. Losing someone you love is a horrible feeling. But your mother loved you so much and I won't ever be able to replace her. But if you let me, I will become your family. And I will raise you, teach you everything you need to know." 

 

“Cas?” Dean asked, eyes widened in disbelief.

 

Jack drew back and looked at Dean with wide, questioning eyes. “Will you be my family, too?”

 

The look Dean gave Cas spoke of his utter confusion and fear. He clearly had no idea how to answer Jack’s question. Dean was obviously torn between wanting to comfort a scared human-like creature, while understanding that the boy before them was only half human.

 

Cas gave Dean a pointed look. "Dean, remember Jack is half human, too. He has choices. I remember you saw the same potential for good a few years back, in another child. Jesse."

 

As realization dawned on his face, Dean let out a soft chuckle, in kind of amazement. Dean looked to Jack and with a slight nod of the head finally answered, “Yeah, kid. Yeah.”

 

At that Jack smiled widely. Suddenly looking way more human than angel. Cas drew back to look at him. “This location isn’t safe anymore. We’ll take you with us if that’s okay with you?”

 

Jack looked over to the painting on the wall and Cas could practically hear his thoughts before he looked back at Cas. “Can I see her?”

 

There was a soft, “Sure,” that came from behind them. Mary was standing there, a gentle smile on her face. She held her hand out to Jack for him to take.

 

Dean pulled off his overshirt and wrapped it around Jack’s shoulders, likely attempting to give him a semblance of modesty.

 

Jack wrapped his arms around Cas’s arm tightly before he gave Dean a grateful, but confused smile. This whole situation must have been very confusing for him, which was likely the reason Jack clung to the only thing he knew.

 

“You can go with Mary, Jack. Everything will be fine,” he tried to reassure him. 

 

Jack nodded slowly and looked up at Mary again. “You’re a mother, too?”

 

She smiled and nodded. “Yup. I have two  _ amazing  _ sons.” Mary gave Dean a pointed look then.

 

Cas wondered what that was about and gave Dean a questioning look, who merely responded with a shy smile and a shrug.

 

When Jack followed Mary out of the room, Dean held Cas back. He gave Cas a bemused look, as though a realization just struck. “Dude. Did we just adopt a teenager together?”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas looked over at Jack’s sleeping form in his new bedroom in the bunker. It still lacked a personal touch, though they had grabbed everything from his room and loaded it on the truck. Most of it was useless now, like the crib, but it was all Jack had of his mother. Of course they brought everything with them. He was looking forward to giving Jack a new home, building something for him, giving him the chance he deserved to have a great future.

 

He smiled before he closed the door. Not completely, but leaving it slightly ajar so if Jack woke up he wouldn’t be too confused.

 

When he walked back to the library, he found Dean and Sam sitting at the table, each holding a beer. “He’s sleeping,” Cas informed them.

 

“Think he’ll only  _ half  _ sleep since he’s  _ half  _ angel?” Dean waggled his eyebrows, grinning from ear to ear. Sam rolled his eyes at him.

 

Cas sat down next to Dean and tilted his head. “He’s human in many ways, but… I don’t know. This is all new to me. There has never been a child like him.”

 

Dean laughed and looked at Sam. “He went from Spock to Dr. Spock…”

 

Cas raised his eyebrow before he shot Sam a help seeking look. Sam simply pushed a beer towards him. “Just have a beer, Cas.”

 

When Cas reached for it, his eyes fell to the table. He tilted his head and let his fingers slide over the carved in letters of Dean’s initials. 

 

He was jarred from his appreciative reverie when a small switchblade was slammed on the table next to him. Cas looked up at Dean, who merely smirked. “Your turn.”

 

Cas gave them a confused look. “You want me to carve my initials into the table?”

 

Sam nodded and answered, “Yeah, man. Your initials belong with ours.”

 

He swallowed dryly, exchanging a long look with Dean before he slowly took the knife. There were no words to describe what he felt in that moment, being entirely overwhelmed by gratitude and a sense of belonging. But also a glimpse of hope there could be a chance for Dean and him to become closer again. He carefully carved in the C, close under Dean’s initials, before he looked up, stating, “I don’t have a last name.”

 

Dean let out a surprised huff of laughter, shaking his head at Cas. “Yes, you do. It’s Winchester.”

 

Cas smiled at Dean, having difficulty looking away once he felt himself getting lost in bottle green eyes. He had missed Dean so much, his heart physically hurt. He took in a deep breath before he carved the W next to his C with a wide, happy smile.

 

The look Dean gave him in that moment, the way his eyes sparkled with outright affection… Cas knew he would imprint that image into his brain to keep with him for all of eternity. Dean cleared his throat and raised his beer to the center of the table. “To family.”

 

Sam grabbed his beer and clinked the neck against Dean’s. “To family.”

 

Cas smiled at them and let his bottle join theirs before he nodded. “To family. And to those who can’t be with us.”

 

Dean nodded. “Here’s to Crowley, who turned out to be a stand up guy in the end.” He took his beer and poured a small amount onto the ground next to him.

 

“To Eileen, who was one of the best damn hunters I’ve ever worked with and an even better friend.” Sam’s lip trembled slightly as he poured some of his beer on the ground, just like Dean.

 

Cas sighed deeply and looked up to the ceiling. “To all of the men, women, and angels that helped us, that fought at our side. Fought for what was right.”

 

Sam and Dean shared a solemn nod and both poured the rest of their beers onto the ground at the same time.

 

After a long moment of silence, Cas looked up, suddenly remembering something as he looked at Sam. “Gabriel says ‘Hi’.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait! What?” Sam asked, shock evident from his expression. Dean just appeared incredibly confused.

 

Cas nodded and smiled softly. “He told me to say ‘hi’ to both of you.”

 

“Cas…” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “He wasn’t asking you to repeat yourself. Background story. Now.”

 

Cas chewed his lower lip. How could he have forgotten that Sam and Dean couldn’t remember what happened because he had altered the timeline? “Lucifer killed me and I went to Limbo. I met all of my dead brethren again and Gabriel gave me his grace to make me into an archangel. I jumped back in time to seal Lucifer before he could kill me again.”

 

The silence in the room was deafening. Cas quirked his brow. “And Gabriel told me to say ‘hi’ to you.”

 

Dean leaned forward and grabbed another beer, sitting back against his chair as he popped off the cap and shrugged. “Huh.” His tone was utterly unimpressed.

 

Sam looked at his brother as though he’d grown another head. “‘Huh’? All the information he just unloaded on us and that’s all you’ve got to say?”

 

Taking a swig of his beer, Dean pursed his lips in nonchalance. “What? What’re we going to  _ not  _ believe him? All the shit we’ve seen? We’ve experienced? The amount of times we’ve  _ both  _ died? Yeah. My response is, ‘huh’. Because, clearly, it’s just another fucking Thursday for the goddamn Winchesters.”

 

Cas tilted his head. “I’ve also got my wings back. Well, technically, they’re new and much bigger now.” 

 

“And in the end, it all comes down to size…” Dean quipped with a smirk.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

It was around two in the morning when they all called it quits to hit the sack. It had been one hell of a day. Finding Kelly and Cas. The rift. Seeing Bobby again in a parallel friggin’ universe where they were never born. A Bobby that didn’t know them. Lucifer showing up. And apparently finding out there was a version of the events where he lost Cas and Mom. Dean was more than grateful he had no recollection of the last part.

 

But for once. For once shit seemed to go right. While he was still a little wary of Jack, overall the kid just seemed so innocent and childlike, despite being grown. And Cas had been right. They were willing to extend a chance to Jesse, because he was half human. It would be damn hypocritical to not do the same for Jack.

 

And while they hadn’t talked about everything. Hadn’t talked about the elephant in the room regarding Dean and Cas’s relationship, he still felt weirdly hopeful. It had been a wake up call, everything that happened. Knowing there was a timeline where he actually lost Cas again. Dean didn’t even  _ want  _ to think about that.

 

Years. Years upon years, Dean put off any chance at personal happiness. Put off even trying for it, because there was always something. An apocalypse. Some sort of world ending event looming on the horizon. A big bad ready to take them, and all of humanity, out with a flick of the wrist. So, Dean put it off. Put it off until things were calm. Until there was no chance at getting fucked over, like they had been time and time again.

 

It took years but Dean finally realized, there was  _ always  _ going to be  _ something.  _ There was always going to be some kind of big bad after them. If he tried to wait until the dust cleared, Dean would be long dead before he got that chance. He was tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being too fucking scared to take the leap. 

 

The three of them made their way to the hallway that led to their rooms. Sam called out a goodnight and headed right, disappearing into his room. Cas moved to head left and Dean caught him by the elbow. “Cas, wait…”

 

Cas turned to face him, giving him a soft yet shy smile before he stepped a bit closer. “Yes?”

 

Dean stared down into bright blue eyes. He’d never noticed the way the skin around those eyes crinkled when he smiled. Dean wanted more of it. He wanted  _ all  _ of it. As they held each other’s gaze, Dean thought of all the things he wanted to say. How much he had missed him. How it killed him to send that fucking break up text. How much he loved him. 

 

As Dean stepped in a little closer, all of the unspoken words, the apologies, the heartfelt declarations came out in a yielding, “Fuck it.” He closed the gap between them, cupping Cas’s face in both of his hands as he drew him into a kiss. A kiss that uttered every unspoken apology, every unspoken declaration of love.

 

Cas's breathing hitched and Dean could feel him wrap his arms around him to draw closer before he deepened the kiss. When he pulled back, Cas gave him a long look before he whispered, "I'm so sorry for hurting you and everything I put you through. I..." He looked down for moment, his voice breaking. "I missed you so much."

 

Dean swiped the pad of his thumb over Cas’s bottom lip and smiled. “It doesn’t matter. None of it does. You’re here now. But if you  _ ever  _ abandon me again…” The unsaid threat lingered, but for the first time in a long time, he felt fairly confident there was no need to worry about that.

 

Cas shook his head, his eyes mirrored the determination in his voice. “I won’t. I promise.”

 

“Can’t die on me either…” he added.

 

There was a hint of a smile playing around Cas’s lips. “It has certainly become much more difficult to kill me now. You would need an archangel blade and you have to go to Hell to get one or–”

 

“Cas, baby…” Dean interrupted, carding his hand through Cas’s hair. “Just promise you won’t die, even if it’s a lie, so I can tell you I love you.”

 

There was that little hitch in Cas’s breath again. The one Dean liked so much. He swallowed, looking nervous. “I promise I won’t die.”

 

Dean pressed in close, his lips ghosting the shell of Cas’s ear as he whispered, “I love you, Castiel.”

 

When Dean leaned back he could see Cas's eyes were closed, his lips slightly parted before he slowly turned to look at him, blue eyes almost glazed over with awe. "I love you too, Dean Winchester. More than anything."

 

Whatever happened, whatever shit hit him over the course of the rest of his life, Dean would find solace in the memory of this exchange. Because now it was his favorite. 

 

Dean twisted his hand into Cas’s tie and started pushing him back towards Cas’s room. As he continued to walk them, Dean rushed Cas, frantically capturing his lips in a kiss. They ended up bumping into the wall from the lack of coordination and Dean drew back with a breathy laugh. 

 

Cas bit his lower lip, smiling at Dean but looking slightly confused, before he asked, "Dean, Does this mean you...." He squinted his eyes thoughtfully before he slowly finished, "Un-break up with me?"

 

Dean chuckled. “I unbroke up with you when I gave you my last name.”

 

The smile Cas gave Dean lit up the whole hallway. Cas breathed out a, "Thank you," before he dived in for another passionate kiss.

 

Dean practically dragged Cas to his room, making out for a couple of minutes against the door before they finally opened it. They were chuckling as they stepped inside and Dean winced when he saw the state of the room. He'd forgotten he trashed the place.

 

Cas looked around with a surprised expression before he turned to Dean with a sheepish expression. "I'm so sorry, Dean."

 

“Why are  _ you  _ apologizing? I'm the one who went apeshit on your stuff.”

 

“Because I hurt you.” Cas shook his head slowly. “There’s no excuse.”

 

Dean smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Don't need one. I just need you.” He pulled away and started unbuttoning his shirt as he walked backwards to the bed.

 

"We’ll just fix everything that got broken," Cas mumbled, between kissing Dean and unbuttoning his own shirt, before shrugging it off. “Starting here,” Cas whispered before he kissed Dean’s now bare chest, right over his heart.

 

With a contented sigh, Dean gently grasped Cas’s chin to bring his attention back up. He stepped away from Cas and slowly unbuttoned his jeans, enjoying the way his angel’s eyes automatically roamed downward. Pulling down his fly, Dean chuckled at the gasp Cas let out.

 

Cas nearly blushed before he looked up at him with a grin. “I did  _ not  _ expect that.” His hands fell to his own pants, opening and pulling them down. 

 

Dean barked out a laugh. “Why the fuck do you own orange underwear?”

 

Cas looked down at himself as if he had forgotten he was wearing them. “I was told they’re lucky. Seems to be the truth.”

 

Pulling Cas forward, Dean wrapped his arms around his neck as he pressed their foreheads together. “Yeah, you’re definitely gonna get lucky.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

It had been almost a month since that night. The best month of Dean Winchester’s life. Mom was living with them full time now, helping them with Jack. Sam was in nerd heaven, getting to teach the kid everything. And Jack soaked that shit up. By the end of the first week he’d read half the books in the library. 

 

Cas would help Jack with his powers, training him on how to harness them. Real Mr. Miyagi stuff. It was kind of cool to watch. Dean fondly recalled a day when Jack was trying to fabricate a desk, to see where his skills were as far as creating something out of nothing. He apparently fucked up and fabricated a dog. A black lab puppy, to be exact.

 

While Jack had claimed that it was an accident, the way his and Sam’s eyes lit up over the damn dog made Dean think otherwise. 

 

And that was their little family. Mom, Sammy, his boyfriend Cas, their adopted kid, Jack, and a rambunctious pup that Jack insisted on naming Moose for some reason. Dean almost couldn’t believe his luck when he thought about his life. They really  _ did  _ have it made.

 

As he made his way into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, he heard Sam having an argument with someone. When he saw his brother, his back was to him. He was on the phone, barking out an annoyed, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll wire you the money tomorrow, Claire!” before he hung up.

 

When Sam turned around, Dean was regarding him with an amused smirk. “Okay. Explain.”

 

Sam had the audacity to look sheepish before he did exactly that. “Uh, Claire and I may or may not have had a bet on when you and Cas would finally nut up and realize you’re in love with each other… She fucking won.”

 

Dean couldn’t even bring himself to be pissed. He chuckled and continued towards the coffee pot. “How much was the bet?”

 

“Two hundred dollars and a gift certificate to her favorite burger joint.”

 

That brought a genuine smile to his face. “That’s my girl.”

 

“Who’s your girl?” Cas asked, suddenly appearing behind him. Dean shook off the slight shock. He still wasn’t used to the fact that his boyfriend could teleport again.

 

Dean leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Claire. She duped Sammy out of two bills and a gift certificate.”

 

“How?” Cas tilted his head, looking confused.

 

“Apparently, they had a bet going on when you and I would finally get our shit together and make out.” Dean poured some milk in his coffee and turned to Cas. “You want some?”

 

Cas nodded before he leaned against the table. “Is she coming to visit us soon?”

 

Dean grabbed another mug and poured Cas a cup, pouring in half the contents of their sugar container in with it. “Don’t know. What she say, Sammy?”

 

“That she’s looking forward to seeing Jack again… and of course you two, but she mentioned you two more as an afterthought.”

 

Flipping his brother off as he turned around, Dean handed Cas his coffee. That was when Moose came barrelling into the kitchen, darting straight for Cas. 

 

“Wherever there’s a flying furball, there should be a nephilim not far behind…” Dean quipped as Jack walked into the kitchen.

 

The otherworldly Nephilim part of Jack had vastly shifted in the background of his personality, whereas his human teenager side was flourishing and not always in a fun way. Mostly he was seen skulking throughout the bunker, listening to music with his earbuds in, nose stuck in a book, and munching on something, usually chocolate.

 

Which is how he entered the kitchen in that moment, minus the chocolate. He pulled one of his earbuds out and looked up from, what didn’t look like a lorebook but a comic, and asked, “When do we eat again?”

 

“You’re hungry again?” Cas asked, sounding flabbergasted. “Didn’t you eat a whole pizza just an hour ago?”

 

Jack squinted his eyes at Cas. “Did I, Dad? Are you sure?”

 

Dean flicked Jack’s ear. “Cut that out. Or I’ll tell Mom  _ not  _ to bring home that pie you like.” 

 

Jack held up his hands. “What did I do? It’s not my fault I’m hungry all the time.”

 

Cas tilted his head thoughtfully. “Maybe you’re growing.”

 

“Maybe I’ll end up being as tall as uncle Sam.”

 

Dean let out a groan. “That’s the last thing we need.”

 

Sam grinned at him. “Your jealousy is showing.”

 

“Can I at least eat an apple or something like that?” He looked at Sam when he asked that.

 

“Yeah, maybe we can put some miracle-grow on it…” Sam teased as he grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl before tossing it to Jack. And when the hell did they get a fruit bowl?  _ Friggin’ Mom. _

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Sam,” Cas added thoughtfully before Jack nudged his elbow.

 

“Dad, he’s joking,” he explained to Cas before he took a huge bite from the apple and asked with a full mouth, “Whaf are we doing funight?”

 

Sam’s eyes lit up. “I was thinking we could go through all of the books in Enochian in the library. See how fast you can learn the language.”

 

Dean held his hand up, halting his nerdy brother. “No. Uh, uh. No fifth elementing tonight. You guys gave me Wednesdays and we’re gonna watch TV. Like normal families.”

 

Jack made a triumphant fist pump. “Yes!”

 

He playfully ruffled Jack’s hair, a huge grin on his face. Talk about being proud. Dean turned to Sam, who had a disappointed look on his face. “Aww, don’t be mad just ‘cause Jack likes TV more than books. Kid after my own heart.”

 

“You corrupted him.” Sam pouted, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

 

Cas shook his head. “I think it’s important he learns from both worlds.”

 

“You’re only agreeing with him ‘cause you guys have sex,” Sam countered, pout now having morphed into a challenging eyebrow quirk.

 

Cas cleared his throat and turned around, murmuring, “Um, no. That’s not at all the reason.”

 

“Nice save, Babe…” Dean responded sarcastically, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

 

Cas gave Dean a bright smile, clearly not getting the sarcasm. Or choosing to ignore it. Dean wasn’t sure because he started to suspect that Cas sometimes was obtuse on purpose. Usually when he wanted to make Dean smile.

 

“You two are gross.” Jack grinned before he left the kitchen, putting his earbud back in, closely followed by a panting ball of fur.

 

Dean grabbed Cas by his tie and pulled him in for a kiss. “Hey, you,” he murmured against his lips.

 

He could hear Sam groan in the background. “Never thought I’d agree with a teenager.”

 

Dean just ignored him because Cas was smiling happily at him. Cas leaned forward into another soft kiss, whispering, “Hello, Dean.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

A while back they had converted one of the rooms into a TV room. Complete with a couch, a cozy, soft rug where Jack was usually sprawled out on when he watched TV with them, and an armchair that Sam claimed as his.

 

Cas and Dean had the couch most of the time to themselves, which was nice because Dean often used Cas’s lap as a pillow to rest his head on. Giving Cas a lot of time to card his fingers through his hair.

 

Since Mary had joined them tonight, she claimed the armchair and Sam was with Jack on the rug. Moose lay in between them, getting his fur scratched from both sides, probably feeling like he was in dog heaven. 

 

At Dean’s insistence they were watching an animated series, about four friends and a dog who solved mystery cases together. Interestingly enough, the cases always ended up having a logical explanation, instead of being related to the supernatural.

 

Cas felt incredibly relaxed leaning against the couch. He was wearing one of Dean’s t-shirts, his fingers buried in Dean’s hair. Dean had gotten a different cut a few weeks back, the sides very short, yet longer on the top of his head. He liked the feeling of it under his fingertips.

 

This was how happiness felt and it was still a little surreal to him. Cas initially worried it was too good to be true, but he was slowly getting used to it.

 

Jack suddenly sat up, looking at Sam. “I think Shaggy and Dean would get along really well up until the point they would fight over food.”

 

Dean chuckled. “Whatever, Scrappy Doo.”

 

“You think I’m Scrappy Doo?” Jack asked as he turned around to Dean.

 

“Of course. Short, excitable, and annoying? You're definitely Scrappy.” Dean chuckled at the blank look on Jack’s face.

 

Jack licked over his own lips and grinned up at him. “I only heard: funny, intelligent, and super cool. So, thanks for the compliment.” He appeared contemplative for a moment before he asked, “Who do you think Sam is, because it’s pretty obvious who you are.”

 

Dean looked up at Cas with a smirk before turning his head back to Jack. “Sam’s Velma.”

 

Cas mirrored Dean’s grin and nodded. “Obviously.”

 

Sam shrugged it off. “Not like that's an insult.

 

Dean moved to sit up and looked at Mary. “Mom’s clearly Freddie.”

 

She arched her brow at Dean. “How do you figure that?”

 

“A go-getter, tough, and tends to take on being the leader of the group. Sound familiar?”

 

Mary rolled her eyes, but the grin on her face belied her true feelings over the comparison.

 

“Who would Dad be?” Jack asked with a big grin on his face, clearly amused by the conversation.

 

Dean and Sam shared a pointed look, both of them turning to look at Cas with huge grins on their faces. At the same time they said, “Scooby!”

  
**THE END**

 

* * *

 

 

 **OKAY.** Apparently our end notes exceeded the 5000 character limit for ao3. So, we're posting our end notes in the body of the fic. LOL.

Frankie here: You fuckers wanted a motherfucking fix it? You got a MOTHERFUCKING FIX IT. First, we’re gonna thank our habitual commenters, cuz that’s what we fucking do. So, in no particular order: A HUGE DESTIEL THANK YOU TO: [tfw_cas](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tfw_cas/pseuds/tfw_cas), PawneePorpoise, Hannah_ruth_990, Patricia1974, Awesomelypathetic, HeatherLuvsDestiel, LoverAwakened, Kelzebub, Hairi_Esh_Mooncake, steeleye1, Tank Winchester, sam661187, anya123456, Azrah39, kaerfemina, CarasaurusWrex, aksnuggling, NienorWinchester, and last but not least, Tink.

Seriously guys: 

Second, and more importantly (no offense to the rest of you, btw), I’d like to thank Jared Padalecki for having a big mouth and relieving an entire fandom with his fuck up. Also a shout out to Jensen Ackles and his outrageously blatant flirting with Misha at JIBcon. We all fucking needed that after Thursday.

 

Any and I really struggled with this part of the fix it. We were determined to fix it, but our hearts weren’t in it like they usually are because, well, we were in fucking mourning. As she states below, we had every intention of going the logical route, and having the Nephilim bring Cas back. Which, we’re both like 75% sure will happen that way in canon, unless the writers decide to embrace the whole Bizarro universe concept. So, who fucking knows? 

 

So, yeah. Because we could, we went a completely different route and hopefully you guys liked it. Hopefully you overall enjoyed what we did here with this entire fic. And NO, we will NOT be doing this for season 13. As much fun as it was, it was a rough go of things there for a minute. Trying to adhere to canon, transcribing the dialogue, creating narrative for it, making a background established relationship tie in with canon. And weekly deadlines put pressure on us in a way nothing else has when we write. LOL. But anyway, it really was a fuckton of fun to do. To try something a little bit different. Because that’s our MO. We like to do the unexpected. Hence the destruction of the beloved mixtape.

 

Third, I’m thanking my schwibbel for everything she is and everything she has helped me with. Any, you are and always will be my unicorn, my schwibbel, and one of my absolute favorite human beings in existence. Thank you for giving me back my mojo. <3

 

And yeah, thank you to all of our readers, commenters, etc. You guys are amazing. Thank you to goofle, the actors of Supernatural (without whom none of this would be possible), thesaurus.com, and closed captioning for making the transcribing easier.

 

I’m not fucking thanking the writers of SPN though. Fuck those cunts.

 

Any here: Oh man, guys what a rollercoaster this has been! I'm so happy Misha is coming back and that Jared slipped up at JibCon and told us. I personally think the actor for Jack was typecast for his awesome performance in the CW show “the Arrow”, so that Jack will turn out as the bad guy for next season. But since my only worry is for Cas, I have a big of a backstory for this fic for you: When we started to write this fic, the original plan was to write something completely original. We had thought a lot about the cosmic consequences thing, the writers so conveniently have forgotten about or saved for s13, and we ended up having the idea of Cas becoming a reaper. You know cuz natural order shit to take Billie’s place. Since Cas is dead now I think he will get stuck again in whatever place angel go when they die (if it’s limbo I will laugh so hard) and that this will change him in a lot of ways. I’m afraid we don’t get Cas back by the obvious solution that Jack will resurrect him in the first episode. Although that would be awesome. Anyway I think we all earned some fluff and positivity after all of this so we went creative and just fixed everything with a big FUCK YOU CANON.

 

Because ultimately this was a fix it to the season. It was a challenge (read nightmare) but it was also tons of fun to write it and I want to thank all of you for using our story as a discussion place to every episode. Seriously, to know that there are more people pissed about certain character death, not being alone in feeling emotionally devastated by this season was a nice way to get through this. 

 

Last but not least my unending gratitude goes to that certain person above who calls me schwibbel (don’t ask). We wrote like probably over 200k of words in a few different fics since the last few months. Like some of you know we even take part in DCBB and CanonBang this year and we have a fuck ton of other treats ready for you guys at the end of the year. So stay tuned. Frankie, this wouldn't happen without you. Writing with you is like the easiest and best thing in the world and you know how much I need this in my life. <3

 

Cu you all *hopefully* in our next fic :D

 

Oh and FUCK YOU SPN WRITERS. (it had to be said again) 

 

P.S. On the fuck you SPN writers front: Dear SPN Writers. If any of you actually read this. Any and myself give full permission to steal any and all of the ideas from this chapter for season 13. 

 

P.P.S. If any of you fuckers bitch about the lack of smut in this chapter, may I direct you to LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE WE HAVE WRITTEN. Oh. And half the chapters in this fic. <3<3<3<3 (also Any called me rude for this)

 

P.P.P.S. I remember the day fondly when I called you “bitch” for the first time and you were so proud of me.

 

P.P.P.P.S. Now I just gotta get you to call me a cunt. :D

 

P.P.P.P.P.S. Not going to happen. I still feel bad about “Bitch”

 

(fuck the ps’s) Frankie here: Hmmm. I wonder if I could get you to call me a cunt now? Okay, so readers: I tried desperately to convince Any to agree to writing a crack sequel to this fic, in which Castiel the archangel knocks up Dean, and we use all the ridiculous pregnancy cliches and just go super fucking goofy with it, cuz I think that shit would be hilarious and she brutally rebuffed me! Go on. Tell her how much you want to see a fucking ridiculous crack fic like that from us. And go!

 

(fuck the p.p.s) I think our readers have stopped reading this by now to turn their eyes on some other quality fics out there.

 

Frankie again: DOES THAT MEAN WE CAN SAY ANYTHING? There are no repercussions??? Trump is a fucking bigoted obscene cunt! T&S was overrated! I actually didn’t like Kevin as a character all that much! MWAHAHAHA so much freedom!!

  
Any here : Um…… yeah… well. Bye.


End file.
